Thoughts From Years Past

In my quest to write a book, I have documented thoughts, events and reflections about myself and my life. Some documentation is written while others are in the form of voice recordings waiting to be dictated to paper.

Of the written form, I have my ‘Book of Writing’ that is bounded by an old shabby green school binder and written by me in 4th grade. Yes me in 4th grade – about 46 years ago. My ‘Book of Writing’ is stored in a box in storage and with some effort in the coming months; I will retrieve it and share some of my stories. Stay tuned, more on this in the future.

Occasionally I will be sharing these thoughts, events and reflections about my life that I have documented over the years. At times I read my writings and found it interesting how I have changed over the years. My ideas, opinions have changed over time as well as my feelings and emotions. What was once an important segment of my life, today is absent from my life. As the documents of my life are revealed, there is a constant and consistent thread in me that reveals inner struggles. Though I feel as I write and as I reveal; the constant and consistent inner struggles in me are drifting away and giving away to a better understanding of me, an acceptance of me, an improved me, a changed me.

The following documentation was written at a time I needed help in my life that I felt nobody on earth could provide. I started going to church and found a sense of understanding that ultimately helped me during a difficult period in my life. As time moved forward the need for faith in a higher power has diminished and evolved into something else. I still believe in more than me, but realize that believing in me is extremely powerful.

Thoughts I wrote from April, 2003 – (unedited from original writing)

This morning it has occurred to me that this year of struggle is related to the struggle Jesus had during those 40 days before his death. I have and am still dealing with no income and my financial situation is nearing ruin. But, through it all I have not lost my faith in God. And I have come to realize that my situation; this year of things not working out is not a reflection of me being less of a person. I have just now realized that it is a reflection of me being more than I was. For the faith I have, has sustained me through this time and I have grown as a result of it. Life does not always work out the way we want it. That does not mean we give up believing or just give up! I know that life’s challenges benefit me by allowing me to tap into the strength, courage and confidence I have inside of me. God has blessed me with these qualities, now I just need to use them.

I relate this year as Lent, not just 40 days of struggle, but so far 98 days of struggle. Struggle for what?   Struggle to become a healthier, happier and stronger person. Not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well. I have wrestled with internal demons that have wanted to break me down and wanted me to give up. I may have come close to that, but I have kept my faith because I know I have God on my side and nothing will win over God.

I appreciate struggles in my life, not always glad to go through them at the time. It is difficult to deal with struggles, they are not fun. But, I have learned and grown as a person and I am stronger than ever before. And it is with the grace of God’s love and devotion to me that I am that person today. I think this Easter will be more significant than ever before. I feel this year of struggle will take me to new heights that I only imagined. I look forward to this and know that God is with me always.

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