Another documented ‘Thoughts From Years Past’ that reflects what was going on in my life at a particular time. As with this written documentation, the constant and consistent thread is still there. The constant and consistent thread deals with inner struggles, emotions, feelings and my behavior.
The following documentation I wrote because I felt I had cycles or mood swings I would go through similar to bipolar disorder. I don’t have bipolar disorder and my mood swings do not occur as often. I feel I am over the wide mood swings I once experienced – but still continue to deal with some unacceptable outbursts.
Thoughts I wrote from July, 2011 – (edited from original writing by removing proper names)
I have these outbursts that are directed at my partner that seem to come in cycles. They are directed at my partner for several reasons. Reasons include jealousy of him and because he is the closest person to me. These cycles of behavior always start with me being good with life. I am dealing with life in a positive manner, realizing the important things and not letting the insignificant stresses of life get to me. Then it changes, my stress level will rise due to work or hunger or tiredness or daily life. These igniters cause me to become mentally weak and this is when my thinking will start changing. I become more irritable and begin thinking that life is bad and I am being punished for some reason. I forget about the good things in life and what is important and let the insignificant things become more important. Things I let get to me are feelings of failure, being less of a person to my partner and others, becoming insecure and allowing my self-esteem to lower. I feel left out because I am not important or my ideas are stupid and feel that my partner is better than I am. I start becoming controlling thinking this will make me feel more important. All these emotions and feelings start building and at this point I have lost perspective of my actions. My behavior is automatic and not based on conscience thinking. Than something will happen that causes me to feel left out and I explode. I lose all rational thinking and control and become violent in my mental and sometimes physical behavior. Once this outburst has occurred, I go through many emotions that include shame, anger, regret, confusion and depression. The shame is for what I have done to my partner, my behavior is unacceptable and my partner is not deserving of it. The anger is directed toward me for allowing the incident to happen and not controlling myself. The regret is toward my partner and knowing he is not the cause of my thinking and actions. My confusion comes from the thinking of my emotions. I feel confused because my mind is out of control and I have failed again at the attempt to control myself. I want to end my life and not feel all these emotions and feelings. I do not want to hurt others any longer and I am just tired of trying constantly to stay focus on what is important. I than become depressed because I have failed again in my attempt to be a good person and not let things get to me. During this time I have fear of my partner leaving me: that he will get tired of these cycles and move on. But my high level of faith in God reminds me that the struggles I go through help me become a better person. And I am reminded again of the important things in life and I will try harder next time. And life is good again.