Hyperactivity or Restlessness

Common adult symptoms of ADD – Hyperactivity or Restlessness

  • feelings of inner restlessness, agitation
  • tendency to take risks
  • getting bored easily
  • racing thoughts
  • trouble sitting still; constant fidgeting
  • craving for excitement
  • talking excessively
  • doing a million things at once

It is interesting to me that some of these ADD symptoms I experience and others I wish I did experience. The feelings of restlessness and agitation are not as strong as in my younger years. I believe with age these symptoms have subsided somewhat and do not cause much distraction now. I am not easily bored and I do not talk excessively and I no longer try to do a million things at once. When I was a child I certainly had trouble sitting still and undoubtedly was constantly fidgeting.

Racing thoughts are the most pronounced symptom as I have indicated in many of my posts. From the moment I wake in the morning my mind is racing and as indicated sometimes is chaotic with thoughts and not organized in anyway. I have learned to deal with these racing thoughts and do not let them control me to the point of frustration. This is one reason I exercise physically by going to the gym, gardening and other physical activities around the home. I also exercise my mind with my meditation (post: Mindfulness Medication) and writing this blog and reading others blogs have help with calming the racing thoughts.

The symptoms I do not experience and wish I did are a tendency to take risks and craving for excitement. I certainly do not take risks; I may have some risking behaviors (future posts), but do not usually take risks. When making decisions I generally do my homework before selecting a choice and the risks are minimal. I definitely do not crave excitement, quite the contrary. I lead a life that is really quite boring to some and when thinking about it, craving for excitement would be taking a risk. I like my routines (post: I like routines, do you?) and deviating from those routines creates stress for me and not excitement. This is one reason my life is a little boring at this time, I am hoping that will change with my life transition (post: Blog Site, Posts & Life Transitions).

The Pictures on the Wall

The last several days I have not physically felt well resulting in my body and mind becoming fatigued. Yesterday morning my partner left the home to run some errands and I sat in a recliner in our upstairs main room to relax some. At this point, I have had minimal sleep in the past couple of nights and very little to eat in the last couple of days. My body is exhausted and my mind is tired, lethargic along with feeling a little dizziness.

So while sitting in my recliner I stare at the pictures hanging on the opposite wall across from me. These pictures display my partner and me not so many years ago at a younger and more youthful age; also are pictures of my sons and then there is the picture of my grandson and me. As I continue to look at the pictures I think to myself about the relationship I would like to have with my sons. I reflect upon the feelings I have concerning my failure as a father and most likely the failure as a grandfather. And as the thoughts swirl through my mind concerning my partner dealing with my moods and my behaviors and that he still loves me and accepts me; I then start crying profusely. I start crying profusely not because of these thoughts; not because of the people in my life and not because of the labels of failure I place on myself, but because the pictures on the wall are not hanging straight. They are not hanging straight on the wall and this troubles me, damn it!

The anxiety and frustration of these pictures not hanging straight on the wall take me back to another time and another place. I am taken back to my 20s with the same thoughts and reactions; my wife and I are having issues related to me needing to straighten the pictures. As soon as I noticed a picture on the wall that was not hanging straight I would immediately have to correct it, it would drive me crazy if I did not. And still today I sit here crying because the pictures on the wall are not hanging straight. Forget my feelings of those important people in the pictures; what matters the most at this moment is the damn pictures are not hanging straight.

The end result is different today than in my 20s; even though I still struggle with the pictures on the walls not hanging straight, this time I did not attempt to straighten them, instead I wrote about it and left them as is!

The Great Depression of the 1980s

No, I am not writing about a great depression of economics in the 1980s, but the great depression of me. As mentioned in earlier posts, my mind with all its defects, disorders and dysfunctions manifested into a decade of depression, despair and disappointment. This decade of my life had some good happenings, the most important being my 3 sons were born in the 1980s.

This decade evolved into depression, attempted suicides, a stay in a psychiatric hospital, and years of therapy and medications that carried into the next decade. You see my ADD and OCD symptoms increased to a point there was trouble in my marriage (post: My Marriage) and I was having difficulties staying calm around my sons. As a result of these issues I became very depressed to the point that it was difficult for me to get out of bed on some days. I think I remember once staying in bed for up to 3 days with no desire to do anything. I also remember lying in bed and my young sons and their friends were playing in the backyard. The noise bothered me and I lost control and went to the backyard and yelled at them to be quiet. I seem to remember my wife’s friend whose kids were playing with my sons was there also. The result of my outburst did not set well with the friend and my wife and I believe this is the day my wife took the kids and left me. This event I believe was the beginning of the end of my marriage.

Now alone and dealing with additional stresses, the depression became so severe and I became so hopeless in everything; I lost my wife, lost my sons, eventually lost my job. I decided I no longer wanted to live and to end it all. After my first attempt to kill myself, this started me on the extremely long recovery that would finally result in a failed marriage and take up to 13 years of therapy. In a future post I will discuss my attempted suicides and how I feel about this subject today. I also will discuss my experience in a psychiatric hospital and the benefits I received from therapy.

The 1980s depression played a major role in my life and was a turning point. As with the great depression of the 1930s that was devastating to many countries, the world did recover and became stronger. I would also recover from my great depression of the 1980s and become stronger as a result of it.

Wow, here I am today writing about me, my life, my struggles, my failures, my strengths and my successes; and ‘The Great Depression of the 1980s’ played a major role in it.

Like Father Like Son: Elopement

My son #2 is getting married today; he and my future daughter in law will elope today. His mom and I eloped (post: My Marriage) when we were young about 37 years ago. There are some differences in my elopement and my son’s elopement. When his mom and I eloped, my future wife’s mom and my mom were told a short time prior to the event, while my son informed me and his mom over a week ago. I eloped when I was 18 and my son #2 is 31, he has had time to live a little and being in the army (post: Memorial Day), he has had a stable career and is much more responsible than I was when getting married.

I have not had the opportunity to meet my future daughter in law but have seen pictures on Facebook; I sent her a friend request and she accepted. They have been dating awhile long distance and I have complete confidence in my son’s decisions. When my son #2 told me of his intensions I replied with ‘follow your heart’. I am extremely proud of my son #2 and he has a good head on his shoulders.

I look forward to meeting my new daughter in law and welcoming her into our family. Coincidentally I will most likely meet her at the wedding of my son #3 in the coming months. Though I have not met her yet, I know she will be a great addition to our family and will bring my son joy, happiness and a good life.

Congratulations to both of them!

Thoughts From Years Past.4

Another documented ‘Thoughts From Years Past’ that reflects what was going on in my life at a particular time. My post ‘I want to write a book’ describes my desire to write a book and several times in the past started this process, without proceeding very far. In my post ‘Thoughts From Years Past.3’, this included the first few paragraphs of the ‘start’ of my book.

The following documentation is a continuation of those pages.

Thoughts I wrote from September, 2004 – (unedited from original writing)

You see many, many years ago, back in the late eighties, I attempted suicide. Many people feel suicide is a cowardly way out of difficult situations in one’s life. It could be, or it could be the only hope one has to relieve the pain, the struggles and battles some face every day. I struggle with these battles to this day and realize now my suicide attempts were cries for help. These battles I speak of are in my head; battles of low self-esteem, insecurity and fears. From these come depression which result in pessimism, anger, despair, worthlessness, jealousy, envy, guilt, sadness, craziness and the list goes on. You get the idea. I know all people at times feel depressed. Events happen in life with results of feeling sad and depressed. But what about feeling this way about life everyday year after year after year and not feeling anyway out? What if you could not find a way out of depression and freeing yourself from the feelings associated with it? I struggled with major depression for years and could not see any way out of it. I decided to kill myself as this would take me away from a miserable life and removing myself from other’s lives that I was hurting and causing pain. This was the answer, the cure, the conclusion to it all. Or so I thought!

….to be continued….

Now I Feel Rushed!

I wrote in my post ‘Patience Please – The Is No Reason to Hurry!’ about the signs of ‘Hurry Sickness’ and that I experience some of these signs currently in my daily life. The signs on the ‘Hurry Sickness’ list that I experience upon waking in the morning are a constant state of rush and worry and feeling like everything in life is urgent.

I have no reason to rush myself, after all I do not work a job and have plenty of time on my hands to accomplish the tasks, projects, errands and everyday activities I need to do. I have no reason to feel rushed, but I always try to rush myself – I always rush myself – this is frustrating for me. Why do I need to rush and get to the next activity?

I think one reason for feeling rushed is the comfort I find in my routines (post: I like routines, do you?), my ‘To Do Lists’ and schedules I place on myself (post: Lists, Table And Bullets Points – Oh My! ). These routines, lists and schedules bring me comfort but also will create some stress due to feelings of not meeting the expectations I set for myself, therefore not completing matters in a timely manner – Now I Feel Rushed!

Why do I need to rush to get to the next activity – I am always feeling like I am in a rush to do the next activity. With this mindset and attempting to mark a bullet point off my ‘To Do List’, I usually then get interrupted. I do not like to be interrupted – I hate being interrupted. The interruption puts me further behind – Now I Feel Rushed!

Upon rising in the morning the first hours are exercising, practicing my smile workout (post: Smile Workout) and meditating (post: Mindfulness Mediation), but I am already feeling rushed because I have many other things to accomplish for that day. Due to my rushed state of mind, my early mornings do not receive the amount of effort and time they deserve – Now I Feel Rushed!

I am trying to learn to relax and not feel rushed to get to the next item on my list. I am trying to learn to complete my ‘To Do List’ in a timely manner per my schedule. I am trying to learn to not let the interruptions disrupt my routine. With continued practice and patience I know I will overcome my feeling of a constant state of rush and worry and feeling like everything in life is urgent.

Happy Birthday Son #1

Today is my oldest son’s birthday!

He is now approaching his middle 30s and I am honored to say he is my son. Since he was a baby, I would always say “He is just like me, he has my personality”. Many times I have regretted saying that because I do not wish upon him or anyone else to be like me! He is his own man; working, having children of his own and has become a very responsible person. But he does have some of my genes; the genes that cause struggles and challenges. We have a good relationship; we talk on the phone and I provide him advice when he wants it and I provide him support when he needs it. In person we easily hug and say ‘I love you’. I have always tried to be there for him the best I can, but I have failed on occasion. I hope someday he really understands how truly important he is to me and that I really attempted to be the best dad I could to him. Really the main reason for this blog, the writing and the putting out there my life, my experiences, my struggles is to provide to him and my other 2 sons an insight into who I am and the reason for my failures, my actions, my personality, my life as it is. I have always felt I failed as a dad; I failed them all and specifically my son #1.

I know from experience it is not too late to be a better dad, because as I have grown older my relationship with my dad has developed for the better (post: Happy Dad’s Day). I believe with time my feelings of failure as a dad will change and I will grow out of this negative label I have given myself.

My hope is someday when reading this blog my son #1 will gain a better understanding of me. My hope is someday when reading this blog my son #1 will gain a better understanding of himself.

Happy Birthday Son #1 – I love you!

No Phone Call Received

 Is it difficult to pick up the phone and call?

Or what about the effort of a text instead,

The road of life is a very long haul and someday my sons I will be dead.

Why my sons was no phone called received,

For Father’s day was 2 days ago,

For I know you are busy, but I just cannot let go.

The divorce came at your tender young age,

And much of my time was spent off stage.

But I was there in more ways than you will ever know,

And tried to be a good dad,

So a simple phone call would make me glad.

Why do I make it all about me?

It is just I love you and I want you to see.

As a dad that feels a failure and wants to be a winner

Please call me to say ‘hi’, this will make me a grinner.

Sure there are times I receive the call and text,

But not received on my day, is perplex.

You call when you need to communicate something to me,

And I listen for I am excited with glee.

Why do I make it all about me?

It is because I love you and I want you to see.

I cried after my special day when no phone call was received,

And I think and I prey, the day that I die,

They could have called me on my special day,

For I am your father and not a bad guy.

Why do I make it all about me?

It is because I love you and I want you to see.

I hoped things had changed and really believed,

But instead I cried because No Phone Call Received.

Blog Site, Posts & Life Transitions

What do you think about my new blog site look? I am making transitions in my life and decided to also transition my blog site into something different and new. I was not totally unhappy with my previous blog site, but it did not appear to me what I thought it should reflect concerning what I am blogging about. When I started my blog site, I did so without putting much thought into the appearance of the site. Now that I have a good flow with my writing and am current with other activities in my life, I was able to take some time and find the theme that best fits me and my posts. My hope is as time goes by to add additional elements to this site besides the writing.

There are several transitions taking place with my blog and with my life. As described in my post ‘30 Days Blogging’, one transition is to forge forward beyond the past events that are holding me and keeping me from moving forward. I am allowing this transition 365 days total because I believe I have much to write about and document. Not every post will be about my past, but it is important for me to document my past experiences and events – the good and the bad. My blog will also include transitions into the future, what I have to look forward to and what I hope will be the next chapter in my life.

My life transition will be written and posted in the near future. My partner and I are retired and looking to move forward which includes a physical move from our current location. This idea of a move is not new and has always been in our future plans; the future came several years earlier than we expected which resulted in us living in limbo for some time now. We have in the past years visited other countries and other states within the US to investigate and seek out that next location for us. With many variables in play we may have ruled some locations as a ‘no-go’ and others as a possibility. The next 6 months several additional trips will take place in hopes for finding the location for us. The next location will take us into the next chapter of our lives, one that will be different from the current chapter. We are looking forward to moving on to this next chapter in our lives.

The transition of my blog site, posts and life will be a continuing transformation. As time passes, my hope is my blog site will transform into a better organized and nicer appearing, pleasing site to visit. My hope is my posts will transform into me becoming a better writer and help me overcome my past so I may move forward. My hope is my life transformation will take me to a new chapter; a chapter in a new location full of excitement, full of joyfulness, full of life.

Blog Site, Posts & Life Transitions to Blog Site, Posts & Life Transformations!

Happy Dad’s Day

Father – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia:

A father is the male parent of his and the mother’s offspring. There are multiple definitions for the word father in human-related terminology. A biological father is the male whose seed has been used in the creation of the baby, through sexual intercourse or sperm donation.

Dad – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia:

There is no search found for ‘Dad’, this site takes you to ‘Father’.

Dad – The Free Dictionary:

Noun 1. dad – an informal term for a father; probably derived from baby talk, Informal – A male parent

Me –

When I was a child growing up I always called my male parent ‘father’ and sometimes even by his first name. We greeted and departed with a handshake and our relationship felt more business like instead of family like. We never said to each other ‘I love you’; we had a business relationship, how could we? My father is much older and I am much older and now I call my male parent ‘dad’ and never by his first name. We greet with a hug and depart with a hug and sometimes even a kiss and our relationship is more like family. And now as a family, a son with a dad, we always say to each other ‘I love you’, it is easy!

I guess growing up I liked my father, but as an older adult, I love my dad. Happy Dad’s Day!