I woke this morning and did my usual morning routine of drinking coffee, exercising and attempting to meditate. My mind as usual was occupied with many thoughts and I had an extremely difficult time calming it down. Actually I did not calm it down at all – the thoughts were strong this morning. The thoughts of years past, mistakes I made, who I am, who I want to be, what I am doing , what I am not doing; thoughts of overcoming thoughts, thoughts, thoughts and more thoughts. It was overwhelming this morning and all these thoughts swirling in my head resulted in me becoming a little depressed this morning which ended with me crying. I have not cried in a long time about me and my struggles in this life of mine. I have in the past been depressed in my life, significantly depressed and will expand on this subject in an upcoming blog post.
But this morning the depression was brief, but a reminder of who I am and the struggles I deal with on a daily basis. I am a complex person as we all are and I know I am not the only one on earth that deals with inner struggles. My inner struggles are keeping me from living a life I want to live and preventing from doing things I want to do. As I was feeling depressed this morning and crying, I was sitting in my backyard. I live in the city and was listening to the cars passing by with people going to work and school, people going through their morning routines. I sat there in my depressed state with the noise of the city and the sun raising and gazed at a tree in the church property behind my home. The tree is big and has always been there and I have given little attention to it over the years. Mistletoe started growing in the tree many years ago and over the years has started to kill the tree. Mistletoe is a parasite that attaches itself to branches penetrating the tree and absorbs water and nutrients in order to survive, but eventually the tree and the parasite dies.
This morning as I gazed at that tree, I thought of myself and my life as that tree with part of it, part of me having mistletoe that has been absorbing water and nutrients for many years in order to survive. Unless the mistletoe is killed or removed from that tree and that part of me; that total tree and that total me will die. I do not want to be that tree that dies from mistletoe.
This morning as I gazed at that tree with mistletoe, I noticed birds in it. The birds were singing and playing in the part of the tree that was still alive. The live part of the tree with the birds playing reminded me that the part of me that is still alive can do that to. I can still play, I can still sing, I can still have fun, I can still live.
I will take those branches of me and my life and prune them and remove the wood invaded by the mistletoe – not doing so will kill the tree that is me.