Another documented ‘Thoughts From Years Past’ that reflects what was going on in my life at a particular time. The constant and consistent inner struggles, emotions, feelings continue to be expressed.
The following documentation I wrote due to feeling depressed and feeling down about my life. As indicated in this documentation, someone new is introduced – future posts on this person.
Thoughts I wrote from July, 2010 – (edited from original writing by removing proper names)
I cried this morning for the first time in a long time – crying for feelings I have not had in many years. I felt depressed this morning with thinking, emotions and feelings I have not felt since my 20’s. I think this stems from my kids not calling in weeks and not calling me on Christmas or New Years. I called them and left messages to call me as I have done many times before – with them not returning my calls. I feel when they do not call me back or call me on special days (Holidays, birthday, etc) that I have not been a good father and that somehow I have failed. What have I done or not done to be a dad that does not get calls from his sons? Is it just me with my old thought patterns, wanting to put blame on myself? Is it just that my kids are busy and do not find the time to call? What about the rest of my family? I am always the one to call, nobody calls me. Why do I make this about myself? I am not going to put myself in a mood of sorry, depression and feel bad about life. I have many things to be happy about and I do my best to be a good person and do right.
I also feel this is my last year to live. Why do I feel this way, not sure? My partner thinks it has to be associated to his mom being here for the last 3 weeks. It is a feeling I have – maybe I should live this year as if it is the last year to live, to live it as though I will be dying. I am not too concerned about dying, it happens to everyone. I am not afraid of it and in some ways look forward to it. I truly believe there is something better than what we have today, in this life. I still have many things to learn, more lessons and tests to take. I grow to become a better person each and every day and feel I have more growing to do. Today will be a good day, I will make it a day as if it were last – at least I will try.
My partner’s mom is leaving tomorrow after being here for 3 weeks. I am glad to see here go, so I can get back into my regular routine. I am sad to see here go, though she may be time consuming and have her problems and moods, she does teach me things. Patience and understanding are few among others. I get set in my ways I guess as many people do and want my regular routine and ways of doing stuff my way without someone else getting in my way.