The last several days I have not physically felt well resulting in my body and mind becoming fatigued. Yesterday morning my partner left the home to run some errands and I sat in a recliner in our upstairs main room to relax some. At this point, I have had minimal sleep in the past couple of nights and very little to eat in the last couple of days. My body is exhausted and my mind is tired, lethargic along with feeling a little dizziness.
So while sitting in my recliner I stare at the pictures hanging on the opposite wall across from me. These pictures display my partner and me not so many years ago at a younger and more youthful age; also are pictures of my sons and then there is the picture of my grandson and me. As I continue to look at the pictures I think to myself about the relationship I would like to have with my sons. I reflect upon the feelings I have concerning my failure as a father and most likely the failure as a grandfather. And as the thoughts swirl through my mind concerning my partner dealing with my moods and my behaviors and that he still loves me and accepts me; I then start crying profusely. I start crying profusely not because of these thoughts; not because of the people in my life and not because of the labels of failure I place on myself, but because the pictures on the wall are not hanging straight. They are not hanging straight on the wall and this troubles me, damn it!
The anxiety and frustration of these pictures not hanging straight on the wall take me back to another time and another place. I am taken back to my 20s with the same thoughts and reactions; my wife and I are having issues related to me needing to straighten the pictures. As soon as I noticed a picture on the wall that was not hanging straight I would immediately have to correct it, it would drive me crazy if I did not. And still today I sit here crying because the pictures on the wall are not hanging straight. Forget my feelings of those important people in the pictures; what matters the most at this moment is the damn pictures are not hanging straight.
The end result is different today than in my 20s; even though I still struggle with the pictures on the walls not hanging straight, this time I did not attempt to straighten them, instead I wrote about it and left them as is!