Thoughts From Years Past.9

Another documented ‘Thoughts From Years Past’ that reflects what was going on in my life at a particular time. My post ‘I want to write a book’ describes my desire to write a book and several times in the past started this process, without proceeding very far. In my post ‘Thoughts From Years Past.8’, I ended with ‘I felt humiliated in front of my classmates with feelings it was somehow my fault. I do not remember the circumstances surrounding the incident, but was humiliated as a result of it.

The following documentation is a continuation of those pages.

Thoughts I wrote from September, 2004 – (edited from original writing to not disclose specific location)

Now do not get me wrong, school had its good times also. Junior high was the start of my interest in music. I joined the school band playing saxophone and really enjoyed this part of my school years until graduation. I have fond memories of concerts, marching contests, band trips and having great friends. I felt like I belonged to something where I fitted in. This was my outlet from other areas of school where I could shine and feel good about me. I excelled in band; becoming drum major of the high school marching band. This was an honor to hold this position and I felt respected and appreciated for my efforts. I received many medals for solo and ensemble contests in local and state competitions. I took the initiative to learn other instruments and had decided to make music my career. I wanted to be a band director and teach kids how to play music and feel special about their accomplishments. Music was going to be my life; my way to fit into this miserable world that I felt was unfair and cruel. Well, that never materialized. My dream changed due to life throwing an unexpected curve along the way.

….to be continued….

(more about my high school band years in this post: My High School Band Director)

The Evil Person Inside

There is an evil person inside of me, or so I thought! The majority of the time I am an ordinary person doing ordinary things. But then there are times the evil person appears. When the evil person appears, I am destructive, abusive and my physical body is consumed with uncontrollable rage and anger. These episodes do not occur on a routine basis and will come out of nowhere, unexpected at times and I am unable to find the strength to control this part of me during these episodes. After these episodes, I hate myself and feel ashamed of my behavior and the usual destructive results. Why is there an evil person inside, or is it really an evil person to begin with?

The following is an excerpt from psychologytoday.com –

Most of us have our lists of people whom we regard as profoundly evil. And a number of us also think that the people on our lists are mentally ill, deranged, insane, or crazy. But is being evil really a mark of mental illness? Can moral character determine mental health? Without a clear understanding of what it means to be evil, it is difficult to answer this question. So what, in the first place, does it mean to be evil?

People are not evil because they have done bad things or else we’d all be evil. As Aristotle maintained, being evil portends a persistent habit of doing bad things. Moreover, evil people know that what they are doing is bad but choose to do so anyway. They therefore act with malicious intent. Moreover, evil people typically care little or not at all that what they are doing is or may be harmful to others; and some evil people even derive sadistic pleasure from it. Moreover, some evil people are very cunning and can disguise their evil intentions and lack of regard for others. z93gxke4hdevgvn8mhufThese individuals may be con artists or even charming rapists or murderers. Of course, there are degrees of evil and some evil people are not as evil as others. For example, it is arguable that a person willing to kill you and be amused by it is more evil than a person who is only willing to steal your money.

Is there really an evil person inside of me? Maybe there is not an evil person inside; maybe I am just losing control. Losing control of what? Maybe I just have an anger issue or I am easy to lose my temper.

Per the above excerpt, I am not an evil person and therefore there is something I can and should do to control my outbursts even when I do not know when they are going to occur. For me I think there are triggers that cause the uncontrollable episodes of rage and angry. I am trying to change my thinking so the triggers are no longer valid and therefore nothing occurs. The changes include my mindfulness meditation, exercising, working on having more patience and I am really trying not to be a control freak.

I think my episodes are occurring with less frequency because of the changes I am incorporating into my daily life – and I now know there is no evil person inside.

I’m So Glad We Had THAT Time Together!

untitled1A couple of weeks ago I was channel surfing the television looking for something to watch. I usually watch the same shows week after week without straying too far from the familiar but that night when surfing only reruns of my usual shows were on. So while channel surfing I came across PBS (Public Broadcasting Service) and it was showing a documentary on Carol Burnett. I love this lady and had to watch the documentary about her. What a treat!

Who has every watched ‘The Carol Burnett Show’? If you have never seen this show, you need to watch it. This variety series ran from 1967 – 1978, won 25 prime-time Emmy awards, was ranked #16 on ‘TV Guide’s 50 Greatest TV Shows of All Time’ and was listed as one of Time Magazine’s ‘100 Best TV Shows of All Time’.

Watching the documentary and seeing the classic scenes from ‘The Carol Burnett Show’ brought laughter and wonderful memories to me. Carol Burnett and the rest of the cast of that show were funny and hilarious; they would crack each other up – and that was live television.

images3Carol Burnett would always end the show with the closing song ‘I’m So Glad We Had This Time Together’, and I believe she truly meant it.

Oh how I wish we still had these types of shows today – there are way too many reality shows, news programs and dramas; and don’t get me started on the situation comedies, they are nowhere close to bringing laughter as a variety series such as ‘The Carol Burnett Show’ can.

I guess those days are gone of the tongue-in-cheek comedy that was laughter, having fun and just taking life a little less seriously.

I miss those days, those shows and I miss you Carol Burnett – I’m so glad we had THAT time together!

Daily Dose of Vitamin D

I mentioned in my post ‘Addictions or Habits or Routines’ that I have an addiction, habit and routine of tanning. Many studies indicate overexposure to UV light is linked to skin cancer, especially tanning beds. Using a tanning bed for twenty minutes is comparable to being on a beach with no sun block for an entire day.

So why do I tan? It may be the addiction or the habit or the routine or that I like the images6way I look or I like myself better with a tan. Dr. Audrey Kunin, dermatologist and founder of DERMADoctor Inc. is quoted as saying “People think that tanned individuals are more attractive, healthier looking, and it’s incredibly difficult to get someone not to do something that perceive as providing them with a positive perception.”

Our sun provides many good things; wonderful sunrises, spectacular sunsets, warmth, light and vitamin D. Vitamin D is essential for our bodies.

Excerpts from Wikipedia.org –

Vitamin D refers to a group of fat-soluble secosteroids responsible for enhancing intestinal absorption of calcium, iron, magnesium, phosphate and zinc. In humans, the most important compounds in this group are vitamin D3 (also known as cholecalciferol) and vitamin D2 (ergocalciferol). Cholecalciferol and ergocalciferol can be ingested from the diet and from supplements. Very few foods contain vitamin D; synthesis of vitamin D (specifically cholecalciferol) in the skin is the major natural source of the vitamin. Dermal synthesis of vitamin D from cholesterol is dependent on sun exposure (specifically UVB radiation).images5

A diet deficient in vitamin D in conjunction with inadequate sun exposure causes osteomalacia (or rickets when it occurs in children), which is a softening of the bones. In the developed world, this is a rare disease. However, vitamin D deficiency has become a worldwide issue in the elderly and remains common in children and adults.

Researching more about tanning, I stumbled across the article ‘Tanning Can Cause Cancer, Not Tanning Could Cause a Lot Worst’ from the website gizmodo.com. Excerpts from this article –

Vitamin D, produced when skin is exposed to light, is essential for our bodies. Unfortunately, modern lifestyles have minimized our time we spend under the sun. The Sun’s Heartbeat explains why a tan isn’t as bad as previously thought.

Enter modern vitamin D researchers such as John Cannell, MD, executive director of the Vitamin D Council, a nonprofit educational corporation that believes that “many humans are needlessly suffering and dying from Vitamin D Deficiency.”

“We are the first society of cave people,” he lamented to me in 2010. “In the development process of creating the skin, nature never dreamed that we’d deliberately avoid the Sun so thoroughly.”

The implied answer, of course, is that we were designed to have a high and steady level of this vitamin in our bodies. Yet as more and more people are tested, researchers are finding serious vitamin D deficiencies in virtually all of the population of the United States, Canada, and northern Europe. The reason? According to Cannell and the other doctors on the Vitamin D Council, we have been hiding from the Sun for decades.

The skeptical might well wonder how, when cancer typically takes decades to develop, such a huge drop can be detected after just a few years. Heaney believes it’s because vitamin D prevents tiny predetectable tumors from growing or spreading. “That’s the kind of cancer I’d want to have – one that never grows,” he told me in June 2010.

I understand the risks of tanning and like many other people continue to tan anyway. During the colder months I spend about 15 minutes or less in our tanning bed we have at home. During the hotter months I spend about an hour tanning in the beautiful sun. I have olive skin color and my body is accustomed to tanning, so I never burn and I tan in moderation by my terms.

images7

So what is the point of this post?

The sun can be our friend.

I Know My Type

I know my type, do you know yours?

You read your type, but do you really read your type?

You think you know your type, but do you really know your type?

Do you see what your type is doing?

Do others know your type?

Do others see your type?

So why are you unable to see your type?

Do you think our brains see something else other than our type?

I know my type.

I read my type, but not always really read my type.

I think I know my type, but obviously I do not really know my type.

I do not always see what my type is doing.

I know others see my type.

I am not sure why I do not see my type; it is there in front of me.

My brain at times wants to see something else other than my type.

Sorry, I did it again – let’s start over –

I know my typo, do you know yours?

You read your typo, but do you really read your typo?

You think you know your typo, but do you really know your typo?

Do you see what your typo is doing?

Do others know your typo?

Do others see your typo?

So why are you unable to see your typo?

Do you think our brains see something else other than our typo?

I know my typo.

I read my typo, but not always really read my typo.

I think I know my typo, but obviously I do not really know my typo.

I do not always see what my typo is doing.

I know others see my typo.

I am not sure why I do not see my typo; it is there in front of me.

My brain at times wants to see something else other than my typo.

For those of you who read my posts and see my types, sorry I mean typos, I am sorry. I try to be prefect, sorry I mean perfect with my writing, but I make mistakes. Or is it the Word document program is autocorrecting my typing and thinks it knows what I am trying to rite, sorry I mean write. But then again I poof, sorry I mean proof read and still do not always sea, sorry I mean see my types, sorry I mean typos.

Thanks for reading and understanding and not commenting about my typos. 🙂

It Wasn’t Twiggy in the Pool!

I think we have all seen it – Twiggy the Water-Skiing Squirrel

untitled1

We have many squirrels in our neighborhood and in our backyard they are always running across the fence and jumping from tree to tree. Occasionally they will come to ground level and eat the grass in the yard, but this is rare since we have the dog in the backyard. Recently I noticed the squirrels starting drinking water from our swimming pool.

untitled2I had never seen them do this before, why would they start drinking from the pool? One day I was sitting outside enjoying the evening and a squirrel decided to venture around on the ground and decided to take a drink from the pool. It was a smaller squirrel – a kid squirrel I guess and probably had not learned all the lessons of a squirrel life. Anyway, the little squirrel starting drinking from the pool, and whoops, in the pool the squirrel goes.

He (could have been a she) struggled a few seconds and then managed to get out of the pool. For those animal lovers, no need to worry: I would have saved him if he was not able to get out on his own. So once out of the pool, to the tree he went and stayed about 4 feet off the ground on the truck of the tree. He was wet and in a bit of shock, not really knowing what just occurred. He stayed there for quite some time and I guess decided he was ok. Then he jumped on the fence and away he went – back to life as a squirrel.

untitled3I read an article about squirrels and it indicated squirrels are good swimmers, but usually do not like to. Not so sure if this is correct considering the squirrel I saw in our pool. When seeing this squirrel fall in the pool and frantically getting out and making it back to the safety of the tree made me think this happens to people at times. We think we are doing something harmless like the squirrel drinking the water from the pool and then as the squirrel did we fall in unexpectedly and for a moment or maybe for a lifetime we as the squirrel did frantically try to get out.

Once out of the pool, just like the squirrel, we may be in shook for a while and not knowing what occurred and may need some time to decide everything is ok. Once all is good, just like the squirrel, we jump back on the fence that is known as life.

 

Control Freak

Control Freak – I Admin It – That Is Me!image1

Wikipedia –

In psychology-related slang, control freak is a derogatory term for a person who attempts to dictate how everything around them is done. The phrase was first used in the late 1960s — an era when great stress was laid on the principle of ‘doing one’s own thing’ and letting others do the same.

I visited several web sites to learn the true meaning of the term ‘Control Freak’ and took several on-line quizzes to see if I am truly a control freak. Here are those results:

Quiz 1 Result: Full Blown Control Freak.

Quiz 2 Result: You probably have some control issues.

Quiz 3 Result: You are 58% control freak! That makes you Not a Control Freak! Like most people, you have a certain need for control, but you’re definitely no freak. Make sure the controlling urges don’t overtake you, so you remain an enjoyable person to be around.images3

I changed my mind: Control Freak – I Admin It – That May Be Me!

I really do not have a need to control everything and everyone. Yes, there are times I like to have things, situations, etc. my way.

lovepanky.com has the following –

A control freak is a person who wants to be in a position of control all the time. They want to be aware of everything that’s going on around them, and they want to have control over it in some way or the other.

I changed my mind again: Control Freak – I Admin It – This Is Not Me!

Ok, I feel better now.images2

Thoughts From Years Past.8

Another documented ‘Thoughts From Years Past’ that reflects what was going on in my life at a particular time. My post ‘I want to write a book’ describes my desire to write a book and several times in the past started this process, without proceeding very far. In my post ‘Thoughts From Years Past.7’, I ended with ‘From this experience I felt ashamed and that somehow I was to blame. These added feelings increased my low self-esteem and enhanced my insecurity.’

The following documentation is a continuation of those pages.

Thoughts I wrote from September, 2004 – (unedited from original writing)

My teen years overall were good years. I still continued to struggle in school with C and D grades. English was my worst subject and I was failing that class and needed to bring my grade up to a D to pass. I remember once in junior high taking an English exam. I did well on the exam and was proud of myself for what I accomplished. The teacher informed me, in front of the class, I had cheated. She said I could not have done well on the exam except by cheating. I told her I had studied and did not cheat. She did not believe me and gave me a zero on the exam. I was upset and felt insignificant. I tried to do my best and did well and was not commended for my efforts but punished because this teacher did not have faith in my abilities. There were other events that caused me to feel insignificant and embarrassed as a person. A student had put gum in my hair and when I brought it to the teacher’s attention she made a big deal about it in front of the class. She cut the gum out of my hair in front of my classmates with feelings it was somehow my fault. I felt humiliated in front of my classmates with feelings it was somehow my fault. I do not remember the circumstances surrounding the incident, but was humiliated as a result of it.

….to be continued….

Salt & Pepper

images1
From the website: http://hbmag.com/salt-pepper/

Added to nearly every savory, maybe some sweet, recipe one can think of, salt and pepper is the standard pair found on any dining table. Seemingly better suited for one another than Barbie and Ken, the two spices met during the 17th century and have been together since.

My salt & pepper have been together for about 20 years – but the salt is taking over the pepper.

I started getting some gray hair in my 30s, just a little and now in my 50s I have quite a bit of gray hair. I have more gray hair than my siblings and they are all older than me and one brother often comments on how much gray hair I have. I respond back ‘I earned every one of them!’ Early on I think I earned the gray hairs with much worrying, stress, anxiety, depression, self-defeating behavior and the negative list goes on.   Now the gray hair is increasing and before long I will be totally gray.

disabled-world.com has the following information about gray hair –

Brief Synopsis: Causes of gray hair is not always related to ones age as hair can turn gray as young as teens and range into our late 50s.

“Smokers are 4 times more likely to have gray hair than nonsmokers and smoking has been conclusively linked to accelerated hair loss.”

Ok there it is again, the smoking thing, it causes wrinkles (blog: Engraved Lines and Crevices) and gray hair! I like my gray hair and am fine with my wrinkles; after all they display to the world who I am – the good, the bad and the ugly. The choices I have made with regards to smoking and other unhealthy behaviors have obviously affected me internally and externally. But they were my choices to make and with no regrets; I will not live with regrets or doubts about decisions.

Currently my hair is what you call ‘Salt & Pepper’ and I think it looks good. Men look good with ‘Salt & Pepper’ hair; look at George Clooney, Richard Gere and Matt LaBlanc. And there are some beautiful women with ‘Salt & Pepper’ hair; look at Jamie Lee Curtis, Roseanne Barr and Nichelle Nichols.

imagesIJQTLF4U

Here’s to salt & pepper, they may be better suited for one another; but they are also suited well with me.

I have to have some secrets

People are complicated. People have secrets. It doesn’t make them good people or bad people.      – David Zayasuntitled1

By Evan Imber-Black, published on July 1, 1998 – last reviewed on April 26, 2013

The Power of Secrets

We live in a culture whose messages about secrecy are truly confounding. If cultural norms once made shameful secrets out of too many events in human life, we are now struggling with the reverse: the assumption that telling secrets–no matter how, when, or to whom–is morally superior to keeping them and that it is automatically healing. My own experience, however, has shown me that telling secrets in the wrong way or at the wrong time can be remarkably painful–and destructive.

By spearfruit, published today

Nobody Should Share Everything – We Have To Have Some Secrets

My personal believe for me is that some activities, behaviors and past experiences; some of those characteristics of me should be kept secret and only revealed to those closest to me or no one at all. My blog is a step to reveal some of me to whoever is interested in reading about me and my life. When starting this blog I accepted the challenge to myself to reveal the true me; my faults, my struggles, my bad behavior and my short comings. I was afraid of this as I was uncertain of the response, but would anyone really care? This feeling is intensified when I eventually provide my blog site to my friends and especially to my family.

There are some past experiences I believe I should keep secret and to myself and I am going against the norm; for me I do not believe telling my secrets is morally superior. I do not believe me telling my secrets would bring automatic healing, but instead would serve no purpose. Over the course of the next several months I will expose some of me, my thoughts, my behaviors, occasional opinions and some characterizes of me that were once a secret but no longer a secret.

untitled2

For me I should not share everything –

I have to have some secrets.