Thoughts From Years Past.6

Another documented ‘Thoughts From Years Past’ that reflects what was going on in my life at a particular time. My post ‘I want to write a book’ describes my desire to write a book and several times in the past started this process, without proceeding very far. In my post ‘Thoughts From Years Past.5’, I ended with ‘Okay, so you ask what does this have to do with suicide?’ In the whole scheme of things not much, it just adds more stress to an already insecure little boy. How can a boy that young be insecure? See my post ‘2nd Grade & 2nd Grade’ for the answer.

The following documentation is a continuation of those pages.

Thoughts I wrote from September, 2004 – (unedited from original writing)

As the years passed I struggled in school. I had a speech problem and attended speech therapy. I was a slow learner and had to have a tutor. I could not see very well and had to have glasses. I also felt different in other ways and was not sure why. In grade school I can remember having fights with other boys. I am not completely sure what the fights were about, but I think they had something to do with the feeling of being different. This feeling would eventually materialize into thoughts and behaviors then move to a stage of coming to terms with who I was and ultimately having to make the most difficult decision of my life. So here are all these events, these changes, these thoughts early in my childhood that are influencing my personality. I have at this time started putting negative self-defeating thoughts in my head. I put into my head the idea that I was a mistake. After all my mom and dad were not planning on twins and I was the second one born, so therefore I must be a mistake. I felt like an outcast or the black sheep of the family. I was different somehow and never really felt like I fit into the family. I also felt my dad did not love me. He seemed closer to the other kids and I felt left out of his attention.

….to be continued….

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