Another documented ‘Thoughts From Years Past’ that reflects what was going on in my life at a particular time. My post ‘I want to write a book’ describes my desire to write a book and several times in the past started this process, without proceeding very far. In my post ‘Thoughts From Years Past.6’, I ended with ‘I felt like an outcast or the black sheep of the family. I was different somehow and never really felt like I fit into the family. I also felt my dad did not love me. He seemed closer to the other kids and I felt left out of his attention.’
The following documentation is a continuation of those pages.
Thoughts I wrote from September, 2004 – (unedited from original writing)
So at age 10 I am working in my dad’s business. Now is the time to gain my dad’s attention and approval. I worked hard, learned the business and over the years gained a great work ethic. But, never did I feel I gained my dad’s approval or that he was proud of me. I do not blame him; looking back I see this insecure boy who could not in my mind receive anyone’s approval, not even my own. Those first several years I worked hours that children that age should not have worked. Both in the amount of hours and the times during the day were abnormal. At a young age I was exposed to many things my parents never knew about. They left me in the hands of capable employees they trusted to look after me while at work. These young adults took care of me at work and sometimes after work. I remember seeing drugs and alcohol and drank my first beer at a very young age. There was a manager at that time, a nice friendly guy who ran the restaurant where I worked. We worked together often and he would give me a ride home when my shift was over. Sometimes this was late at night. He made inappropriate sexual advances and we ultimately had sex in his car on many occasions. I was young and not sure how to feel about it. I was scared but also felt some comfort in it. Maybe the comfort was coming from getting attention and having feelings of approval. This went on for some time and I remember doing different sexual acts with him. But then one night he kissed me on the lips and it all changed. I was really scared and insisted he take me home immediately! Why did that kiss affect me so dramatically and the other sex acts not? I am not sure why, but it stopped after that. I guess he was concerned I might tell someone. I never did, not until I was an adult. From this experience I felt ashamed and that somehow I was to blame. These added feelings increased my low self-esteem and enhanced my insecurity.
….to be continued….