There is an evil person inside of me, or so I thought! The majority of the time I am an ordinary person doing ordinary things. But then there are times the evil person appears. When the evil person appears, I am destructive, abusive and my physical body is consumed with uncontrollable rage and anger. These episodes do not occur on a routine basis and will come out of nowhere, unexpected at times and I am unable to find the strength to control this part of me during these episodes. After these episodes, I hate myself and feel ashamed of my behavior and the usual destructive results. Why is there an evil person inside, or is it really an evil person to begin with?
The following is an excerpt from psychologytoday.com –
Most of us have our lists of people whom we regard as profoundly evil. And a number of us also think that the people on our lists are mentally ill, deranged, insane, or crazy. But is being evil really a mark of mental illness? Can moral character determine mental health? Without a clear understanding of what it means to be evil, it is difficult to answer this question. So what, in the first place, does it mean to be evil?
People are not evil because they have done bad things or else we’d all be evil. As Aristotle maintained, being evil portends a persistent habit of doing bad things. Moreover, evil people know that what they are doing is bad but choose to do so anyway. They therefore act with malicious intent. Moreover, evil people typically care little or not at all that what they are doing is or may be harmful to others; and some evil people even derive sadistic pleasure from it. Moreover, some evil people are very cunning and can disguise their evil intentions and lack of regard for others. These individuals may be con artists or even charming rapists or murderers. Of course, there are degrees of evil and some evil people are not as evil as others. For example, it is arguable that a person willing to kill you and be amused by it is more evil than a person who is only willing to steal your money.
Is there really an evil person inside of me? Maybe there is not an evil person inside; maybe I am just losing control. Losing control of what? Maybe I just have an anger issue or I am easy to lose my temper.
Per the above excerpt, I am not an evil person and therefore there is something I can and should do to control my outbursts even when I do not know when they are going to occur. For me I think there are triggers that cause the uncontrollable episodes of rage and angry. I am trying to change my thinking so the triggers are no longer valid and therefore nothing occurs. The changes include my mindfulness meditation, exercising, working on having more patience and I am really trying not to be a control freak.
I think my episodes are occurring with less frequency because of the changes I am incorporating into my daily life – and I now know there is no evil person inside.