I consider myself an unsocial person. Most of my life I have desired to be a loner, a hermit and reclusive. I think I became this way as a young child when I felt I did not fit in well with groups. Whether it my family, at school or this world, I did not fit in because I felt I was different somehow than everyone else. This caused me to want to be alone – I wanted to live on a deserted island away from everyone and everything.
As I grew into early adulthood, this desire to be unsocial became stronger and ultimately caused issues in my life and those close to me. When my partners wanted to enjoy activities I declined, instead to stay behind in solitude. This solitude became my comfort zone, a place of refuge from the fear of danger of others. The danger I refer to is the feeling that others are talking negative about me, thinking I am not friendly and that I am unattractive, stupid and different.
Starting at a young age with a very low self-esteem and carrying this mindset in adulthood resulted in my major depression, attempted suicides and this desire to be unsocial. It is difficult for me to overcome the desire to be unsocial as odd as it sounds, I like to be alone, I actually really like to be alone, really! I fear getting close to anyone as this results in my guard being let down and then I am unprotected and open to attack. These attacks have resulted in sexual violation as a child by an adult, bullying in school from other students, misuse of my money from other adults and being taking advantage of by friends.
I remember in my previous job, the job I really enjoyed and retired from, that I would tell fellow employees I was there to work and not for friendship. Being at this job for almost 10 years, my fellow employees understood what I meant by this. Sure I would have conversations that were not related to work and were on a personal level, but I tried to stay clear of others getting to know me too well. I had no desire to be attached in any way. There was a time during my term at my job the company decided to move offices and we located into a larger office space. Being a small company there was a large portion of cubicles empty, so I had an opportunity to select my cube in a specific area of the office space. Wanting to be unsocial and reclusive I choose a cubicle in a corner away from everyone else. I was alone in my corner and I liked it very much.
Years have come and gone and I still very much like to be alone away from the dangers of the attacks. The ‘unsocial me’ causes some issues with my partner and me; but I think he understands even though I know at times it frustrates him. I make excuses to not do activities or attend events or to go on trips and I even avoid going out into our own front yard. I know this is not a good life to live and I want to change my unsocial behavior into a social behavior. Having friends to socialize with and meeting others and attending events are good for the mind and good for the soul.
This is just one of many characteristics of me I am working on, striving to change and wanting to let go of