– the ‘unsocial me’

I consider myself an unsocial person.  Most of my life I have desired to be a loner, a hermit and reclusive.  I think I became this way as a young child when I felt I did not fit in well with groups.  Whether it my family, at school or this world, I did not fit in because I felt I was different somehow than everyone else.  This caused me to want to be alone – I wanted to live on a deserted island away from everyone and everything.

As I grew into early adulthood, this desire to be unsocial became stronger and ultimately caused issues in my life and those close to me.  When my partners wanted to enjoy activities I declined, instead to stay behind in solitude.  This solitude became my comfort zone, a place of refuge from the fear of danger of others.  The danger I refer to is the feeling that others are talking negative about me, thinking I am not friendly and that I am unattractive, stupid and different.

images1Starting at a young age with a very low self-esteem and carrying this mindset in adulthood resulted in my major depression, attempted suicides and this desire to be unsocial.  It is difficult for me to overcome the desire to be unsocial as odd as it sounds, I like to be alone, I actually really like to be alone, really!  I fear getting close to anyone as this results in my guard being let down and then I am unprotected and open to attack.  These attacks have resulted in sexual violation as a child by an adult, bullying in school from other students, misuse of my money from other adults and being taking advantage of by friends.

I remember in my previous job, the job I really enjoyed and retired from, that I would tell fellow employees I was there to work and not for friendship.  Being at this job for almost 10 years, my fellow employees understood what I meant by this.  Sure I would have conversations that were not related to work and were on a personal level, but I tried to stay clear of others getting to know me too well.  I had no desire to be attached in any way.  There was a time during my term at my job the company decided to move offices and we located into a larger office space.  Being a small company there was a large portion of cubicles empty, so I had an opportunity to select my cube in a specific area of the office space.  Wanting to be unsocial and reclusive I choose a cubicle in a corner away from everyone else.  I was alone in my corner and I liked it very much.

Years have come and gone and I still very much like to be alone away from the dangers of the attacks.  The ‘unsocial me’ causes some issues with my partner and me; but I think he understands even though I know at times it frustrates him.  I make excuses to not do activities or attend events or to go on trips and I even avoid going out into our own front yard.  I know this is not a good life to live and I want to change my unsocial behavior into a social behavior.   Having friends to socialize with and meeting others and attending events are good for the mind and good for the soul.

This is just one of many characteristics of me I am working on, striving to change and wanting to let go of

images2the ‘unsocial me’.

6 thoughts on “– the ‘unsocial me’

  1. While I agree that having friends and connections to other people are healthy and positive things, I also really, really love being alone. I treasure silence and solitude, and prefer not to bare my soul to all comers. It’s interesting to read about how you use solitude as a protection against people, as I also have a belief that others are unsafe and could hurt me. I wonder how much of my love of being alone is really because that’s my preference, and how much is because I am avoiding the potential for being hurt by others. Thanks for sharing your thoughts about this.

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  2. thanks for sharing! It is good to give this perspective because then others can understand when they see this and know it is not them personally. It is a good insight and I am glad you are trying to be more social. I can understand in my older years after being through certain things yes I feel unsocial and you explained it in a great way!! Thanks for explaining this!

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  3. I am like you, I prefer my own company over that of anyone else. It has not always been so, and like you, partners and family and co-workers and that asshat who always has an opinion about everything – have eyed me strangely and wondered at my solitary nature. I have found it MOSTLY pleasing therefore at this late age to be granted my space and my solitude. I say MOSTLY because I’ve found a fly in the ointment about that way of life. One has the potential to become really really REALLY odd if one isn’t careful. For real. Because we of the solitary tribe don’t have other humans to talk to very often (or by choice only) and therefore we find ourselves speaking out loud to ourselves just to hear a voice. Watching TV of a dreadful nature just for there to be something else going on besides hearing the beating of our own hearts. Cherish your partner and hold him close. If/when he goes and it’s before you do (if that happens) it’ll leave a silence that even you, the solitary man, cannot listen to for long lest you go mad. I know what I’m talking about. Crazy Chihuahua Lady

    Liked by 1 person

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