Another documented ‘Thoughts From Years Past’ that reflects what was going on in my life at a particular time. My post ‘I want to write a book’ describes my desire to write a book and several times in the past started this process, without proceeding very far. In my post ‘Thoughts From Years Past.12’, I ended with ‘They bring a sense of peace and focus in my life that at one time was hectic and confusing.’
The following documentation is a continuation of those pages.
Thoughts I wrote from September, 2004 – (unedited from original writing)
These men were born back during the eighties when I was married to my wife. She and I created precious babies that were prefect creations. I remember clearly when each one was born; we actually selected the days, as they were all to be born by caesarian section. I remember their tiny helpless bodies needing the care of a parent. They brought great joy to my life and I knew at that time the dad I wanted to be. I would be there for everything in their lives; all their sporting events, their concerts, the first day of school and the graduations. I would be there for all of it. They would know their dad loved them not only because I would tell them honestly, but I would show them through my actions. Little did I know at that time the turn my life would take resulting in the shattering of my hopes and dreams of being that dad I so desperately wanted to be. My relationships with these men today are honest, wholesome, loving and fulfilling. But once upon a time in my mind I was unhappy with the relationship I had with these three boys. I hated the father I was, for the not being there, the mistakes I made and the missing out of so many important events in their lives. So I carried guilt and shame as a father and blamed myself for ruining my relationship with my kids. I added to my list of failures me being a worthless lousy father.
….to be continued….
(more about my sons in this post: My 3 Sons)