Thoughts From Years Past.13

Another documented ‘Thoughts From Years Past’ that reflects what was going on in my life at a particular time.  My post ‘I want to write a book’ describes my desire to write a book and several times in the past started this process, without proceeding very far. In my post ‘Thoughts From Years Past.12’, I ended with ‘They bring a sense of peace and focus in my life that at one time was hectic and confusing.’

The following documentation is a continuation of those pages.

Thoughts I wrote from September, 2004 – (unedited from original writing)

These men were born back during the eighties when I was married to my wife.  She and I created precious babies that were prefect creations.  I remember clearly when each one was born; we actually selected the days, as they were all to be born by caesarian section.  I remember their tiny helpless bodies needing the care of a parent.  They brought great joy to my life and I knew at that time the dad I wanted to be.  I would be there for everything in their lives; all their sporting events, their concerts, the first day of school and the graduations.  I would be there for all of it.  They would know their dad loved them not only because I would tell them honestly, but I would show them through my actions.  Little did I know at that time the turn my life would take resulting in the shattering of my hopes and dreams of being that dad I so desperately wanted to be.  My relationships with these men today are honest, wholesome, loving and fulfilling.  But once upon a time in my mind I was unhappy with the relationship I had with these three boys.  I hated the father I was, for the not being there, the mistakes I made and the missing out of so many important events in their lives.  So I carried guilt and shame as a father and blamed myself for ruining my relationship with my kids.  I added to my list of failures me being a worthless lousy father.

….to be continued….

(more about my sons in this post: My 3 Sons)

5 thoughts on “Thoughts From Years Past.13

  1. sounds you have to peace with the past, and the future you have with your boys sounds full of hope and love….that’s what is important now….glad you were able to make relationships with your boys….I love my 2 kids beyond anything I can imagine…its painful at times…

    Liked by 1 person

    • I do have a good relationship with my boys – but not what I thought I wanted. This is an area I continue to work through. I am realizing with my writing that today my disappointments with the type of relationship I wanted is the expectations I set for myself and not the expectations I have set for them. I hope this makes some sense – I have additional future posts to expand on this. Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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