I mentioned in several of my posts I feel I failed as a father. In previous posts I write about the ‘mistakes’ I have made throughout my life, the struggle in my marriage, my major depression and my absence in my 3 sons lives. The struggles I have with myself and my mind created a failed marriage when my sons were very young. Therefore I was not there for them during the important years of growth, learning, understanding and father relations. I missed many soccer games, school events, protecting them, teaching them; I should have been there but I was absent. And though the presence in their lives was limited, the relationship with my 3 sons is good, but not what I envisioned when I was younger when I became married and became a parent.
What do I base my failure on? What father did I want to be? My idea of me as a father was not being the father my father was to me. In my post ‘My Dad Taught Me Plenty’, I explain those things I did not want to be when I was a father because my father failed in these areas. My father did not tell me ‘I Love You’ until well late into life, within the past 10 years. From a young age, I told my boys ‘I Love You’ and still do today and easily give them a hug and a kiss on the cheek. This is not a failure, so what is?
It is my belief; the failure is the circumstances and situations that prevented me from being there for them, my 3 sons. The circumstances of my learning disorders, my OCD, my ADD, my divorce, my mental illness, my depression, my attempted suicides and my separated living location all created a situation where the envisioned father I wanted to be was a failure.
How do I know it was a failure and I am a failure as a father? My sons do not seem to be interested in me or my life. My sons rarely call me, even on my birthday and father’s day.
So it may be that I did not fail as a father to them, but I failed to be the father to me. I had no book to read about being a good father; I tried to be a good father, but I was busy with the troubles of my mind and this took time away from what is important to me – my 3 sons.
Whether I failed as a father to them or failed to be the father I wanted to be – the simple truth is that I had and still have good intentions and love and I aspire to be the best possible father to my 3 sons.
(This is the first of additional pictures to appear of me – a hand of me, a hand of my son #1 and a hand of my grandson #1)