Another documented ‘Thoughts From Years Past’ that reflects what was going on in my life at a particular time. My post ‘I want to write a book’ describes my desire to write a book and several times in the past started this process, without proceeding very far. In my post ‘Thoughts From Years Past.17, I ended with ‘The confusion of my mind and the craziness I felt would lead to significant depression that would create a life changing event which would occur in the very near future.’
The following documentation is a continuation of those pages.
NOTE: This is the most difficult post I have written and published. This one event is a turning point in my life. It scares me to publish this, but when I started this blog I decided to disclose me and my life – the good, the bad, the ugly.
Thoughts I wrote from September, 2004 – (unedited from original writing)
There are certainly wonderful memories of my babies. I can recall them in my arms as I rocked them to sleep to my humming of Amazing Grace. This seemed to calm them even those days when they were teething or upset due to colic. I remember when they first starting sitting up on their own and then standing. On one occasion my first son standing in his baby bed and leaning over the rail too far, fell to the floor. There were no injuries and he was upset and cried for a while, but soon after was happy again. I also remembered the baths in the sink, the feedings, the changing of diapers and those nights without much sleep. I truly cherish these memories, but at that time grew impatient with the helplessness they possessed and the continued responsibilities that were involved in caring for them. My job as the manager of a fast food restaurant included working on Saturdays with a day off during the week. My mother-in-law kept the boys the days both mom and dad worked and I kept them the day I was off during the week. What added stress this was to me as I began handling my stress inappropriately with outbursts of anger and rage. It is difficult for me to admit this and I still carry shame and guilt with the pit of my stomach feeling sick when I think of these times. I remember thoughts of picking these precious creations up and throwing them against the wall in desperation to rid me of hearing their cries. That act never took place, but the thoughts at times were so strong I once called my mom pleading for her to leave work and come help me. Mom was there for me, helping me get through a tough time as I found in the years to follow she would do on a consistent selfless basis. I cried so hard that day, feeling my mind was out of control and thinking I could not handle my life and all it was giving me. I continued on and somehow restrained myself from putting into action those thoughts toward my kids that were so powerful in my mind. I knew it was wrong and just having these thoughts made me feel I was crazy. Life became tougher and tougher at work and home. With upper management changes at work, added stress became apparent and babies growing into toddlers increased the demand for attention and responsibility. I was feeling out of control and handled it by drinking everyday as much as I could. The alcohol changed my behavior from bad to evil. It was not creating a state of mind that took me away from the craziness I felt: instead it created an evil person that hated life and everything about it.
….to be continued….
(more about my sons in this post: My 3 Sons)
(more about my depression in this post: The Great Depression of the 1980s)