Thoughts From Years Past.19

Another documented ‘Thoughts From Years Past’ that reflects what was going on in my life at a particular time.  My post ‘I want to write a book’ describes my desire to write a book and several times in the past started this process, without proceeding very far. In my post ‘Thoughts From Years Past.18’, I ended with ‘It was not creating a state of mind that took me away from the craziness I felt: instead it created an evil person that hated life and everything about it. ’

The following documentation is the conclusion of those pages.

Thoughts I wrote from September, 2004 – (unedited from original writing)

I became extremely depressed to the point of not being able to get out of bed for days.  I hated myself and everything about life.  I hated everything, yes maybe even my kids or at least the stress they brought to my life.  I could not cope with life any longer and decided it was time to end it.  I had these thoughts many years before as a young child during those growing up years.  There was a time as a young boy, I felt depressed and wanted to kill myself.  I recall going into the kitchen and grabbing a knife out the drawer and thinking about stabbing myself.  I wanted to so badly; I wanted to be dead, to not experience the pain I was feeling at that time.  But, something kept me from going through with it.  I was just as scared of killing myself as I was of living.  Now in my late twenties it was the time to go through with it, to end this miserable and disturbing life.  I was older now with more stresses and struggles in my mind.  I was older now to have the strength to carry it out this time.  The time had arrived.  It was time to end my life!

3 thoughts on “Thoughts From Years Past.19

  1. Thanks for writing this Spear! I am sure it is hard to look back and think about those times and then write them down. I have found inspiration in seeing how you have grown as a person and how you have overcome this struggle! I am sure you were in so much pain! A huge hug from me to you! Very brave!

    Liked by 1 person

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