I am not afraid to die

There are references in some of my posts about my suicide attempts and I will have a future post describing these specific events.  I also plan to write about how I view suicide today from my prospective; a person who attempted suicide and went through a decade of major depression.  My point to this post is I am not afraid to die.

I view death as the end of everyone’s life, inevitable, it is going to occur, just when?  There is a date on the calendar for all of us – our last day on this earth.  So, why be afraid to die?

In my post ‘My Life My Way’ I wrote that I am living my life my way and though some habits I have may shorten my life, I still am not afraid to die.  This may sound odd, but actually, in a way I look forward to death.  Besides my attempted suicides there have been many other times I thought about killing myself but did not.

Prior to today, many days had come and gone and I on occasion thought to myself; I wish I were dead.  Because although I have overcome my major depression, I still had some behavior issues, some low self-esteem and some defects in my brain that want me to be unstable.  I try every day to overcome these shortcomings and to live the rest of my days with a sense of purpose and happiness.

I will be totally honest with you my readers – today the thought of killing me still occasionally crosses my mind and there are times I wish I were dead.   But the act of me intentionally killing me will not take place.  No matter the struggles I still have in my life; I understand the taking of my own life is not the way for me to deal with these struggles.  I believe all of us are on this earth for a reason, and no matter the struggles we encounter; we all have strength within ourselves to overcome, to move forward and to survive.  Sometimes that strength can be buried under all the burdens of despair and anguish and finding it can be difficult.

I rarely think about death or dying or my life coming to an end; I want to think about birth, living, my life beginning, the here and now, today.  I am trying to live my life for today and let go of the past and look forward to the future, no matter how many days are left for me on the calendar.  Just because I will die someday, I am not going to stop living for today or planning for tomorrow.

One reason for my blog is to write about my past and let go of it.  I want to live like I am dying – with the rest of my days for living to be for today, and if I am allowed, for tomorrow.

9 thoughts on “I am not afraid to die

  1. I love that song. I’ve walked in your shoes and came to the same conclusion about it. And when I get to those moments where the pain comes back and I think those dark thoughts, I think about this song and one other … R.E.M’s “Everybody Hurts” and oddly the pain eases and I’m able to get to the next thing. I think you’re doing positive things in your present, and that’s something too. It’s hard to live like you’re dying. If you’ve learned how, well that’s great! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • The difficulty of life is sometimes amazedly helped by listening to music. I just try to live day to day and make the most of it. Not always easy, but I try. Thanks for reading and your comment. 🙂

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  2. I truly empathize as I have had anxiety and depression from childhood. Genetically inherited but reasonably manageable. I, too, have thought so often about death that I no longer fear it and often long for it. Life can be so hard. I, too, am glad that you are in a better place – as am I. Trying to live in the moment is wise advice if we can do it. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

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