I wrote in my post ‘I understand the words I love you’ the following –
The relationship my dad and I have had has not always been easy – many years ago I was angry with him – this was due to me going through my own internal struggles – and to a certain degree blamed my dad. Many of us as adults with struggles seem to want to blame our parents for some of our life issues. I overcame my anger and as my dad and I grew older and wiser, we started understanding our relationship and it has grown.
I write in today’s post the following –
As indicated in the first sentence ‘and to a certain degree blamed my dad’, was a lingering thought in my mind for many years. Back in 1993, I moved from my current location to a different location for just a couple of months. From this new location I wrote and mailed a letter to my dad; what prompted me to write this letter is unclear to me today. I was 33 years old in 1993 and the path of my life changed in a way that my family did not see coming. I felt this change had affected my dad the most and caused a rift between us. If I remember correctly, I think it was the early 1990s that there was a period of time my dad and I did not speak to each other at all – I am thinking for at least a year. These were years of anger toward my dad – I am dealing with new internal struggles due to my life path change – I am blaming my dad for my early life issues.
So I wrote and mailed a letter to my dad. I do not remember everything I wrote in that letter, but it did have an impact on my dad. I know this because I received a letter back from him; I will share portions of this letter in an upcoming post.
The letter I wrote to my dad I do know I expressed my feelings about not feeling loved by him, not feeling he was proud of me, not feeling he accepted me. I also expressed to him the absence of him in my life when I was young and the feelings of my siblings being more important to him than me.
And I also believe that subconsciously he was at fault for the sexual violations of me by an adult male that worked for him in the businesses he owned. After all I was 10 years old when I started working and not long after this I was left with co-workers my dad trusted to take care of me. I know now, today this is in no way his fault, but as a young child going through this event; I had no one to turn to, not my mom and especially not my dad.
Today the anger has vanished, the relationship is good, but it did take time.