It was time to end my life

The following posts I mention the word suicide –

ME and OCD, Emotional Difficulties, The Great Depression of the 1980s, Thoughts From Years Past.4, Thoughts From Years Past.5, Thoughts From Years Past.6, Thoughts From Years Past.11, Nothing Really Matters – until now, What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger, I am not afraid to die, Thoughts From Years Past.19

My posts titled ‘Thoughts From Years Past’ are based on words I wrote in 2004 and describe the journey from a young boy to the time I decided to kill myself.  These blog posts build upon each other and provide the experiences, events and difficulties dealing with life that eventually led to my attempted suicides.

I was in my 20s and decided it was time to end my life – the time had come to kill myself.  I had no gun to shoot myself and thought using a knife might just injure me and not kill me.  I drank alcohol at the time and decided to take bottles of pills.  This was more than 30 years ago and my memory is a little vague about what pills I took or where I got them.  I do not believe my wife and I had separated at that point, because she is the one that found me having a mental breakdown after the pills had been taken.  After that I remember the bright lights of the emergency room and have a memory of my mom and one brother standing over me; I do not know if they were speaking.  The next memory I have while still in the hospital is ingesting activated charcoal and having my stomach pumped.

That was it – the experience of my 1st attempted suicide.  I was scared and most likely was attempting suicide as a cry for help and not really wanting to end it all.  Some people say those that attempt or commit suicide are cowards and want an easy way out.  But when you feel out of control and thoughts of hurting others are in your mind and there seems no end to suffering and pain and people are telling you they do not understand you or you need help but they are not helping or supporting you and your weakness prevails – how do you keep going?

Sometime after this event, I would attempt another suicide using the same method but this time no hospital visit, just a mom who was there at the right time and determined to assist in eliminated the pills that were swallowed.

When I hear about people who attempted or have committed suicide, I understand and they are not cowards to me.

My heart fills with sadness and heaviness for those that suffer with pain that they feel a need to end it all.

There is help out there and my hope is people who are suffering finds the strength and the courage to find that help.

My hope is those people who are suffering find the strength and the courage inside of them to help themselves.

14 thoughts on “It was time to end my life

  1. first, I do not like to hit the Like because I don’t like the fact that you were so sad and moved to this in your life, but I do like that you are better and able to cope with life….thank you for sharing such an emotional post…very courage of you…..kat

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Kat, I understand the ‘Like’ button, I feel the same way. I click the ‘Like’ button to let the blogger know I read their post even though what they wrote may be a difficult post for them. I appreciate your honestly and comments. I will never go back to that time and do that act again – but life at times is still difficult for me. But taking my life is not the way for me to deal with it – there are other ways.

      Like

  2. Great post! It takes being down in that rabbit hole to fully comprehend what is going on with someone that attempts to end their life. It’s a scar all of us have to bear but someone else lecturing me on it that has no earthly idea of what led to it can just shut it!

    Liked by 2 people

    • I agree, it is easy to have an opinion when never experiencing what someone else has gone through. Attempting to understand someone else’s pain and action is enough – nothing else is needed. Thanks for reading, I always appreciate your comments.

      Liked by 1 person

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