The following posts I mention the word suicide –
ME and OCD, Emotional Difficulties, The Great Depression of the 1980s, Thoughts From Years Past.4, Thoughts From Years Past.5, Thoughts From Years Past.6, Thoughts From Years Past.11, Nothing Really Matters – until now, What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger, I am not afraid to die, Thoughts From Years Past.19
My posts titled ‘Thoughts From Years Past’ are based on words I wrote in 2004 and describe the journey from a young boy to the time I decided to kill myself. These blog posts build upon each other and provide the experiences, events and difficulties dealing with life that eventually led to my attempted suicides.
I was in my 20s and decided it was time to end my life – the time had come to kill myself. I had no gun to shoot myself and thought using a knife might just injure me and not kill me. I drank alcohol at the time and decided to take bottles of pills. This was more than 30 years ago and my memory is a little vague about what pills I took or where I got them. I do not believe my wife and I had separated at that point, because she is the one that found me having a mental breakdown after the pills had been taken. After that I remember the bright lights of the emergency room and have a memory of my mom and one brother standing over me; I do not know if they were speaking. The next memory I have while still in the hospital is ingesting activated charcoal and having my stomach pumped.
That was it – the experience of my 1st attempted suicide. I was scared and most likely was attempting suicide as a cry for help and not really wanting to end it all. Some people say those that attempt or commit suicide are cowards and want an easy way out. But when you feel out of control and thoughts of hurting others are in your mind and there seems no end to suffering and pain and people are telling you they do not understand you or you need help but they are not helping or supporting you and your weakness prevails – how do you keep going?
Sometime after this event, I would attempt another suicide using the same method but this time no hospital visit, just a mom who was there at the right time and determined to assist in eliminated the pills that were swallowed.
When I hear about people who attempted or have committed suicide, I understand and they are not cowards to me.
My heart fills with sadness and heaviness for those that suffer with pain that they feel a need to end it all.
There is help out there and my hope is people who are suffering finds the strength and the courage to find that help.
My hope is those people who are suffering find the strength and the courage inside of them to help themselves.