In my post ‘Anger Towards My Dad’, I wrote the following –
So I wrote and mailed a letter to my dad. I do not remember everything I wrote in that letter, but it did have an impact on my dad. I know this because I received a letter back from him; I will share portions of this letter in an upcoming post.
In today’s post, I write the following –
August, 1993 – Excerpts from a letter from dad – (edited by replacing sibling’s names with a letter)
I received your letter and I really wasn’t surprised about anything you said. I realize more than anyone that I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, I made a lot of wrong decisions, I’ve done a lot of things I should not have done, I didn’t do a lot of things I should have done. I wish I could change a lot of my past decisions but I can’t and I guarantee I have been harder on myself than anyone knows these last 15 or 20 years.
It never was a fact that I loved L & S more than you and M. Of course S the only girl and she always will be daddy’s little girl. It seems that I could always communicate easier with L but that is my fault not being able to communicate with all my children equally.
I have never told anyone this but I had a miserable childhood myself. I never remember anyone telling me they loved me. I don’t ever remember my father or my mother ever telling me they loved me in their entire life. I hope and think they did. I was very lonely and never had anyone I could go to for anything.
I don’t feel like I ever really knew my dad. I will always have a void there. How I wish that I could have known him more. There was never any affection in my family and to this day it is very difficult for me to show affection. I guess I always craved love and affection but it’s hard for me to show it.
You and I really have a lot in common, childhood and I until I was 40 years old and learned better, I thought the same as you, “Why couldn’t everyone do a good as job as I could.” But I learned through the years that everyone and everything would not be as perfect as I wanted them to be and when I realized it, things began to come into perspective.
A summary of this whole deal is, I can’t change the past and I can’t undo the things I’ve done or said. All I can do is to try to be more of a dad a better person but I can’t change to be a different person, just me.
…..I hope things go really well for you and I am still proud of you and I still love you very much.