I have to admit something.
Past posts I have described my personality to you: ‘Patience Please – The Is No Reason to Hurry!’ – describes my lack of patience. ‘Now I Feel Rushed!’ – describes my feeling of always feeling rushed. ‘Control Freak’ – describes me being a controlling person. ‘The Evil Person Inside‘– describes me being an evil person. ‘Chaos in the mind’ – describes my mind in chaos. ‘– the unsocial me’ – describes me an unsocial person. ‘Criticism – just words’ – describes my difficulty to accept criticism.
Then there are posts about my OCD, ADD, my trouble concentrating, my forgetfulness, my impulsivity, my emotional difficulties and my habits (smoking and drinking). Okay, you get the idea!
I have issues with my brain; I guess I always have and I am working slowly to overcome as many of these as possible. It will take a life time, but that is why I am still here.
It is not easy to live with someone like me; my personality can be a roller coaster on somedays with the ups and downs moving fast, it can be difficult to keep up with. My partner is a good man, a person that in my mind does not deserve someone like me. We were brought together for a reason, this I truly believe. With both of us retired and not working and spending 24 hours a day together on most days, it can be difficult. He has his ways, I have my ways, he has his personality and I have my personality.
We are meant for each other, this I know – but sometimes we argue, usually about insignificant stuff and many times my temper shows up and I behave very badly. On our recent trip to that different state to look for the next home in the next chapter of our lives, several times I lost my temper and behaved badly. At one point, it looked like the trip was going to be a waste of time because there seemed to be no reason for us to continue. But we both realize we are meant for each other.
But this particular argument and an argument a couple of days earlier were different and my partner responded in a different way. He indicated there is an evil person inside of me, another personality. I can be kind and warm one minute and then cold and cruel the next minute. I know this and I am trying to keep a stable personality – but it is difficult at times.
So this last argument with the temporary solution to no longer continue, I responded with “I need you in my life.” I also responded with admittance and acceptance; I admit I have issues, I admit I am a manipulator, I admit I am an abuser, I admit I am controlling. I accept and take responsibility for my actions. I will continue to work on me each and every day to be kind, considerate, understanding and have patience to the one person who shows me kindness, consideration, understanding and patience.