In My Room of Depression

I do not have depression today in my life, but there was a time I was severely depressed to the point of suicide.  If you have kept up with my posts; there is a progression taking place with my writing as I bounce back and forth from present to past.  My posts ‘Thoughts From Years Past’ were a continuation of what I believe led me to the severe depression I experienced as a young man.  I also posted on specific events in ‘My Marriage’, ‘2nd Grade & 2nd Grade’, ‘The Great Depression of the 1980s‘ and written posts about ADD and OCD and the various symptoms of these disorders.

The events of my life and these disorders all led to severe depression.  The Wikipedia.org website has this description –

Depression is a state of low mood and aversion to activity that can affect a person’s thoughts, behavior, feelings and sense of well-being. People with depressed mood can feel sad, anxious, empty, hopeless, helpless, worthless, guilty, irritable, ashamed or restless. They may lose interest in activities that were once pleasurable, experience overeating or loss of appetite, have problems concentrating, remembering details or making decisions, and may contemplate, attempt or commit suicide. Insomnia, excessive sleeping, fatigue, aches, pains, digestive problems or reduced energy may also be present.

This Wikipedia description completely describes me as a young man with depression.  I went through about 13 years of therapy, many years of prescribed medication and great support from the person that means the most to me; my mom.  Today when I think back to that time of depression, all the years of struggles, pain, self-abuse and lack of desire to live; tears are brought to my eyes – that was a very different person.  At times I feel it was not me, but someone else that I barely know, a person that is distant and now dead to me.  I won the battle over depression with many years of hard work by changing my thinking, my behaviors and learning about me and the way my brain works.

I was lucky in that my major depression all those years were a result of the feelings I had about me and who I thought I was.  I know there are many people in this world who suffer from psychiatric disorders that must be controlled with medications, therapy and other treatments for the rest of their lives.

I applaud you for fighting the battle every day and I pray that you have a happy and healthy life!  You are not alone and there are others that understand you.

Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys with Gary Usher wrote a song ‘In My Room’ that was released in 1963.  Brian was quoted as saying “I had a room, and I thought of it as my kingdom. And I wrote that song, very definitely, that you’re not afraid when you’re in your room. It’s absolutely true.”

When I went through depression I also had a room that was my kingdom and I was the only one there because no one else could understand my kingdom which was my depression.

16 thoughts on “In My Room of Depression

  1. Sometimes you remind me of Andrew Elliott from The Class (by Erich Segal). He is the narrator of the story of the Harvard batch of ’55. Always undermines himself, has a pretty low opinion of himself, looks in awe at his contemporaries and admires them for their fame, their talent, their achievements and always has a kind word to say about each. He considers himself a failure. But at the end of the book, you come to realize that he might not be famous, might not be the most brilliant of the lot – but he certainly is the best human being of the lot. I read this book 25-30 years ago, but I still remember it. Each time I read your blog, I remember the unassuming Mr. Elliott. 🙂
    What matters is that you are a nice guy. Now, stop protesting, you are 🙂 In the end, that is all that matters.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are correct, I am a nice guy and that is all that matters. These writings of me in the past as a different person are for those important people in my life who will one day read this and have a better understanding of me.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Depression..isn’t a phenomenon it is an ongoing process and that process has brought out the best in you! You did not fight the battle alone! You were guided by your zealous mom..that is inspirational and admirable. You are the best of what you are..this article has encapsulated the definition of solitude to its core..hope you are happy in your life.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you for your comment, very insightful. Yes, my life is very happy now and that young man of many years ago has left – never to return again. Thanks for reading and commenting and following my blog. Have a happy day! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Dear spear, I was so sad reading this post! I wished I could reach out and hug that person you were! I am so glad you are now in a good place, you deserve this peace and happiness! your mom is amazing! I am so very glad that you had her!!! hugs and thanks for sharing!! Lynn

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Such an honest post Spear. Through everything you’ve battled you’ve obviously come through it a much stronger and positive person, thanks to your amazing mum and thanks also to yourself. Keep well.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I wish my depression would disappear permanently but it pops up to challenge me from time to time. Anxiety is my real issue and if I get too anxious it slips into depression. That said, our life experience and treatment make life worth living. Great blog.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I know there are different kinds of depression; mine being the type that was treatable over a period of time. I am sorry you continue to have to deal with your depression and wish you the very best. Thanks for reading, and yes I agree life is worth living no matter the experiences life throws at us.

      Liked by 1 person

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