In the 1990s, I had way too many relationships. In my post ‘To Evolve in the 1990s’, I wrote the following –
Though it was better than the 1980s, there definitely were challenges to overcome. More about me and who I am would be revealed this decade and another event would take place with more struggles arising and these struggles would be dealt with.
This new event in this decade would lead to more depression and issues within the already defective mind I have, but it did lead me to a different life, a different path, a different chapter that brought me to where I am today.
Today’s post, I write the following –
In the 1990s, I continued to deal with me with my past and present events and the new events – the therapy would be ongoing for almost another 10 years.
With the ending of my marriage and this new event, I explored the dating and meeting of others and then the relationships came. Oh too many relationships, some short term, others long term, some not moving in together and others moving in together. What was I doing – what was I thinking? This decade was a transition an evolution of sorts. I was exploring the new me and accepting the new single life.
My mind that was the instigator of the suicide attempts in the previous years was still haunting me and along came the insecurities, and with these insecurities came issues with trust and respect. With these too many relationships I would ask the questions “What is this person doing when I am not around?” “Who is this person really and why are they with me?” “Will this person be faithful, trusting and respectful of me?”
As the decade progressed so did the relationships; some lasting a couple of months, then there was the 4 year relationship, followed by the 3 year relationship and followed by the 2 year relationship. I bounced from one to another – rebounding each time – disappointed each time – learning each time – growing each time.
These other people in my life at that time lied to me, belittled me and cheated on me. My insecurities grew, my self-esteem lowered and I became controlling in that I had to know what the other person was doing all the time, so that I may feel and know they are being true. I expected the phone calls and I expected a full time relationship – I expected the relationship to be a priority.
With the insecurities, the low self-esteem, the controlling brought weakness, fear and jealousy.
The collapse of my marriage and these relationships took me to a place where I thought I did not belong in a relationship – because I was damaged – not worthy of anyone in my life.
I was wrong – these relationships brought me to the wonderful person I have in my life today – this person has been in my life for the past 13 years – and this person will be in my life forever.