The Good Me & The Bad Her

Over 7 months ago when I started this blog I started a series of posts titled ‘Thoughts From Years Past’ and this series concluded the end of October.  The first post of this series included the following –

Occasionally I will be sharing these thoughts, events and reflections about my life that I have documented over the years.  At times I read my writings and found it interesting how I have changed over the years.  My ideas, opinions have changed over time as well as my feelings and emotions.  What was once an important segment of my life, today is absent from my life.  As the documents of my life are revealed, there is a constant and consistent thread in me that reveals inner struggles.  Though I feel as I write and as I reveal; the constant and consistent inner struggles in me are drifting away and giving away to a better understanding of me, an acceptance of me, an improved me, a changed me.

Today I write the following –

A portion of the documentation that I wrote many years ago, includes 2 notebooks; a diary of sorts.  This diary was written back in 1992 and only for a couple of months.  I remember the reason for these notebooks; I knew why they were written at that particular time.  Though I have had access to them all these years, I had not read them again until a couple of weeks ago.  Ultimately these notebooks will be destroyed and thrown away.  You see they are evidence of sorts of when I was unhappy with my ex-wife at that particular time.  This was early in our divorce, and I felt I needed to document those things my ex-wife was doing with regards to our sons.

I have never spoken badly about my ex-wife to my sons – and I never will.  I feel no need to, it will benefit no-one, it is not necessary after all these years.

I do however feel a need to explain me during this time that I documented in these notebooks.

Some of you know my feelings about me as a father to my sons.  Many years I felt like a failure because I was out of my son’s lives at a young age – they do not really know me.  This is one reason for starting this blog; I want to share me and who I am and my life in writing so my sons may someday know who I was and know who I am.

But for them to know me, to learn about me, I debate with myself if I should share what is documented in those notebooks of long ago.  What I wrote is obviously one-sided as I wrote it from my perspective and these are my views only.

So I am not out to write bad about my ex-wife, the mother of my sons, to my sons – I am out to write good about me, the father of my sons, to my sons.

But I struggle with how to share the good me without sharing the bad her!


25 thoughts on “The Good Me & The Bad Her

  1. This will indeed be a challenge. I applaud your resolve not to talk trash about the mother of your children. That is an important part of protecting them. I’m not sure what the answer is for how to share the good you without sharing the bad her… But I think you are at least asking the right questions!

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  2. That is a difficult task for sure! I hope you find a way! You write in a matter of fact way and are not highly emotional as in blaming and sounding angry so I think that might come through if and when you write about that time period! I mean you write beautifully but you are calm and not ranting! So I think it will work?

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    • Bruce, I totally understand what you are saying here. When I read those words of many years ago, they brought back the emotions of years ago. I have to let those emotions subside and as you wrote ‘speak solely from the heart as it beats now.’ Thank you for your comment, I will take it to heart.

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  3. Spear – share your heart for your sons! In the short time I have “known” you, I can tell you have a good heart. You can share you without blaming “her” somehow. I have a similar struggle as a child who was separated from my father (and recently reunited five years ago). I had so many questions that needed resolved. Your sons will value your words – if not now – some day – and if never- it will be good for you.

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  4. ITs a narrow path you walk when it comes to the ex’s….my son’s father was horses ass for sure, but like you I never wanted to say a bad thing about him to my son….I tried to keep it pleasant, but real….I certainly didn’t lie to my son about his father….and now that my son is a man, 28…he has come to me and expressed how sad it must of been for me to be in that situation and how proud he is of me for making it as comfortable for him to get through even though it was painful for me….he knows his father for what he really is and has accepted that no one can change him….so he has chosen to remain in his fathers life, which I am glad for, but keep his distance…and his new wife will not let his father guilt him or cause him anymore pain… I am sooo happy for that, as I could no longer protect my son from his fathers manipulative ways….all I can say is be honest with them from your perspective and tell them how much you love them….and if you feel you have any reason to apologize for something do it, don’t wait…then let it go…start to move forward to better relationships….the past is just that…the past…..I apologized to both my kids for putting them through a broken home situation,…even though it was for the best in my eyes that I leave their fathers….I was able to let my guilt go and move on….helped me tremendously….I carried that guilt around for 35 years for my daughter and my son 20 years….I am guilt free today and have a better relationship with both my kids for it…..xxkat .

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    • Kat, these words I need to hear from someone else who has had a similar situation. I am starting to let go of that guilt that I have carried for way too many years. It is interesting, that for what ever reason I have, I fell like I had to have guilt, not sure if that makes any sense. But I am realizing now, I do need the guilt any longer and as you have done, I want a guilt free life. Thank your very much for your wonderful words. 🙂


      • I feel like a load of bricks had been lifted off my mind when I spoke with my kids….and the most ironic part of it…they could of cared less about the issue I thought for sure was weighing them down….hummmm I was the only one being weighed down…they said they were fine and understood all that I did and put them through for them…in fact they thanked me….LOL don’t put it off any longer than you can…talk with them or whomever it is your carrying the guilt over as it probably is more than likely you than them….kat

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  5. There are two sides to every story… and then there’s the truth. Your sons will decide for themselves, but they have the right to know your side of the story. And you need to share it! I’m all for communication, especially between loved ones. I think the best way to omit certain events is with “I feel” statements. As in “…during this time I felt…” or “decisions were made and I reacted…” Taking responsibility for our actions (justified or not) is a good start, and letting them know they’re loved is key. I’m praying for you!

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    • Thanks Sadie for the suggested “I feel” statements, this make sense to me. My sons do know that I love them, but I feel they need to know the ‘me’ back during their younger days. Prayers are good – thank you! 🙂

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  6. Oh Terry it is so hard not to speak harshly of ‘the other parent’ in a relationship that has disintegrated and especially when your sons were estranged from you as a result. But it is so important to be, as my eldest daughter is fond of saying, the bigger person. And you have done just that. The pain that you have to absorb in so doing is monumental but you are the bigger person, you are the bigger man and you are the more decent for it. I am proud to call you my friend. Really proud.

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    • As always, you have the right words and comment. I do my best to be the bigger person, I fail at times, but I try. And in the end, I will know I did my best and that is what matters the most. Thanks Osyth, I am fortunate to have you as a friend. 🙂

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