Over 7 months ago when I started this blog I started a series of posts titled ‘Thoughts From Years Past’ and this series concluded the end of October. The first post of this series included the following –
Occasionally I will be sharing these thoughts, events and reflections about my life that I have documented over the years. At times I read my writings and found it interesting how I have changed over the years. My ideas, opinions have changed over time as well as my feelings and emotions. What was once an important segment of my life, today is absent from my life. As the documents of my life are revealed, there is a constant and consistent thread in me that reveals inner struggles. Though I feel as I write and as I reveal; the constant and consistent inner struggles in me are drifting away and giving away to a better understanding of me, an acceptance of me, an improved me, a changed me.
Today I write the following –
A portion of the documentation that I wrote many years ago, includes 2 notebooks; a diary of sorts. This diary was written back in 1992 and only for a couple of months. I remember the reason for these notebooks; I knew why they were written at that particular time. Though I have had access to them all these years, I had not read them again until a couple of weeks ago. Ultimately these notebooks will be destroyed and thrown away. You see they are evidence of sorts of when I was unhappy with my ex-wife at that particular time. This was early in our divorce, and I felt I needed to document those things my ex-wife was doing with regards to our sons.
I have never spoken badly about my ex-wife to my sons – and I never will. I feel no need to, it will benefit no-one, it is not necessary after all these years.
I do however feel a need to explain me during this time that I documented in these notebooks.
Some of you know my feelings about me as a father to my sons. Many years I felt like a failure because I was out of my son’s lives at a young age – they do not really know me. This is one reason for starting this blog; I want to share me and who I am and my life in writing so my sons may someday know who I was and know who I am.
But for them to know me, to learn about me, I debate with myself if I should share what is documented in those notebooks of long ago. What I wrote is obviously one-sided as I wrote it from my perspective and these are my views only.
So I am not out to write bad about my ex-wife, the mother of my sons, to my sons – I am out to write good about me, the father of my sons, to my sons.
But I struggle with how to share the good me without sharing the bad her!