‘he’ is coming back to me now

I wrote in my post ‘The Evil Person Inside’, the following –

The majority of the time I am an ordinary person doing ordinary things.  But then there are times the evil person appears.  When the evil person appears, I am destructive, abusive and my physical body is consumed with uncontrollable rage and anger.  These episodes do not occur on a routine basis and will come out of nowhere, unexpected at times and I am unable to find the strength to control this part of me during these episodes.  After these episodes, I hate myself and feel ashamed of my behavior and the usual destructive results.  Why is there an evil person inside, or is it really an evil person to begin with?

In today’s post I write the following –

I read many posts every day and comment for many different reasons.  One reason is that I relate to the content of the post; what the writer is expressing.  One blog I follow, I read their posts every day and we have become friends.  Recently I read a post of theirs and the content brought strong emotions within me.  I literally had a few tears starting to appear within my eyes.  The words written of an experience this blogger went through reminded me of me.  It was not that I experienced what the blogger went through, but it was that I was the other person in the post.

I can be the evil person who appears out of nowhere only to hide once again till future events bring me out of darkness.  This evil person has emerged a couple of times recently, and ‘he’ is coming back to me now.  ‘he’ of long ago that I have kept under control wants to emerge once again.  What is taking place and why is this happening now?  Is it the stress of the major location move and all it entails?  Is it the worry I have about my health, the not knowing what is taking place within my body?

I am weak at the moment; recently I have been going to bed crying myself to sleep.  And the day after reading this blogger’s post, the next morning I woke to crying and realizing my weakness in the current is a break that the ‘he’ of long ago has been waiting for.  This particular morning, upon crying and thinking about ‘he’ of long ago, a song came to my mind.  The ‘you’ in these lyrics are the ‘he’ within me.

Some lyrics from ‘It’s All Coming Back to Me’ sung by Celine Dion –

But you were history with the slamming of the door

 And I made myself so strong again somehow

 And I never wasted any of my time on you since then

 But if I touch you like this

 And if you kiss me like that

 It was so long ago

 But it’s all coming back to me

15 thoughts on “‘he’ is coming back to me now

  1. Dearest lovely Spear, the fact that you acknowledge these feelings is a huge huge thing! The person that I loved dearly, tried to please and love endlessly, gave up everything for, would not once admit he had a problem. Would not say sorry or seek forgiveness. He drug me down to a bottomless pit of despair, then chose to marry another woman and lock me in to the marriage, he had a baby 9 months after and then finished it all up by stopping support. All I ever wanted ever was a heart felt I AM SORRY nothing else! I just wanted to feel he understood or to say I was “GOOD” You are owning up to your feelings and actions and that is something I wish I had just for one day or moment! If you want to delete this you can because it is so personal but I am touched each time I read about your life and your honesty!!! You are dear to me and yes acknowledge the stress that is in your life now and try to not be mad at you! Much love dear Spear!!!

    Liked by 5 people

    • Lynn, thank you for your heartfelt words, and I truly appreciate your understanding of this post. Me thinking about ‘he’, is internal and only comes from my perspective. When I read the post the other day, my internal thinking never thought about the person on the other side. What a difference this made to me – how my sometimes lack of self-control can be so harmful and devastating, not only to me, but more importantly to others. I feel truly blessed that that our paths have crossed and truly believe it was for a reason. Much love to you also Lynn.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. What sweetness Lynn shares. I don’t know you well dear Spear, but feel you are a good person. Acknowledging your shortcomings (like we all have) is healthy. hang in there friend. Cherish good moments. don’t be too hard on you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Jodi for you kind words. I have a good heart and I understand myself very well. The struggles I have sometimes break me down and I become weak. But, I rise to be strong again and to continue to move forward. Thanks for being here today – I appreciate you! 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  3. It absolutely could be the stress. I go through a terrible adjustment time whenever I move. Lots of fear and anxiety… This last move triggered unbearable and crippling fear. Being able to relate it to your past might help you. Not being able to connect our struggles to our past makes us suffer so much more. I am just beginning to realize all of this. Otherwise we are left wondering what is wrong with us, rather than being able to think okay this makes sense.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Your response makes sense to me – although I am at the point, I just wonder what is wrong with me. There is much about me that I have figured out, but I still have more to learn about myself. Thanks for your comment, you gave me some insight. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • I hope you can make the connection between your struggle and the past. I have lived my whole life wondering what is wrong with me. So I get your feelings! I am just now starting to realize that a huge part of healing is going be in being able to make these connections between our struggles (our feelings, emotions, and actions) to our past. The disconnect makes the struggles so much more difficult, and in itself abusive. Making the connections can make sense out of the struggles so we can be kinder to ourselves. And begin to fully process what happened. This is all new for me as well. To someone else all of this would probably be obvious, but this inability to make these connections is a part of the effects of abuse. God help us!!!

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        • Thank you for these words – this is something I really need to take in and think about. There is some disconnect there; maybe some soul searching is needed by me to find out what that is. Appreciate your comment!

          Liked by 1 person

          • I hope you can make the necessary connections. The path to healing seems to come one revelation at a time. Probably because that is all we can handle! Even discovering what the specific triggers are can be a challenge. I can relate to feeling completely out of control. I end up imploding instead of acting it out. It really is a horrible experience. Sometimes it can take a lot of talking, crying, asking your inner self for an answer, or writing that brings the clue. You were brave to share this. It is such an important topic. Thank you!

            Liked by 1 person

  4. Dear Spear,I can only imagine the stress you are under this week! I can share with you this: I too have an “evil” side. She is self destructive, self sabotaging, cold hearted and cruel bitch. She was born out of a need to survive and comes out when my life feels out of control, as a way to draw the line in between myself and the stress, a way to hold up the walls because I fear they are collapsing. And yes, it is done by hurting and pushing away those that are close to me. Give yourself time. Accept these parts of yourself as a part of you. Be kind to yourself, forgive yourself for your shortcomings and know that you are not alone with this struggle.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Your explanation makes prefect sense to me and helps me to better understand myself. I am putting into place activities such as meditating, yoga, exercising to help me reduce the amount of times that evil person wants to appear. I am trying to be more observant of the signs that causes me to lose control. Progress being made, but this past week not so much. Thank your for your words, I needed to read this.

      Liked by 1 person

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