Alone, Weak & Weeping

Tomorrow is my first appointment with an urologist.  I have known something is going on with my body for over 4 months.  Since the beginning of this year, my thoughts about my symptoms have increased and after some research and knowing other information about me; I have become somewhat emotional.

My post yesterday ‘’he’ is coming back to me now’ describes me weak with my guard down – I have not been strong lately.  The past several days with tomorrows visit on my mind; I became very weak and woke one morning weeping.  That morning I voice recorded my feelings and here are those words –

It’s early morning and I can’t meditate I have too much on my mind.  I woke up this morning crying because I went to bed last night crying for many reasons.  Arguments are taking place maybe because of the stress of the move, me feeling like everything is my fault; me feeling like everything is always my fault because I am weak or defective or something is wrong with me or whatever.  It’s always my fault; I’m always at fault in problems, in relationships.  I’m always weak – has the smoking and drinking caught up with me? What’s going on with my health? Will I end up having cancer?  I always felt if I ever had cancer I wouldn’t get treatment for it, I would deal with it and die; feeling like that is what was dealt me and maybe that is the way I would commit suicide by not taking treatment, if I do have cancer. 

I get all these emotions that come back from years ago and I am trying to become strong and control myself, control my feelings, control my (pause), control me.  It’s hard, but I want to do it, but it is difficult and sometimes I am weak; many times I am weak. I just feel like just part of me does not want to go on, part of me can’t go on and like it’s; why make improvements in myself when no one else sees it?  No one else knows; no one else; sometimes I don’t think they care.  They only care when I make mistakes, when I am weak or when I am wrong; but they do not care when I try, when I succeeded.

The battles that go on in my head, the only person that sees them are me and I need someone to care enough to encourage me and to commend me; I need, I can’t; doing that myself is not enough.  (Emotions are taking over) During my weak times it would help to feel that someone cares; because right now I don’t feel like anyone cares.  (I am weeping)  As always I feel like it is just me going alone by myself and there’s people in my life that are just there; but they are not here with me going on the ride.  (Breaking down) I am just tired of going on the ride by myself; it’s hard, but I will get through it because I have been through it before and I got through it and I know I will get through it this time.

I know what ever happens it happens; I do think things happen for a reason and so I will get through it and all will be good.  But sometimes it is tough and I will have my moments, I’m going to have my days, (pause), but I’ve gotten through it and I will get through this.

46 thoughts on “Alone, Weak & Weeping

  1. Stop worrying, my friend. Tomorrow you shall be alright. Often we worry about a Tomorrow’s grief and lose sight of Today’s happiness. Don’t allow Tomorrow to seep into your Today. It is a different color, a different animal. Let us worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. 🙂

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  2. I am glad you are going in for your appointment! Thoughts and prayers are with you dear! you are not alone and I do care and I think you are trying and have come so far! It is hard for others to see the progress you have made but it is evident in the life you are now leading! Try to relax and think of things that make you happy! You are good Spear and you are loved! xxx

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  3. Thoughts and prayers are with you Spear. I have had the “pleasure” of visiting that type of specialist for something I thought might be an issue back in the day and it turned out to be nothing serious at all. Positive thinking. Our minds race off to all sorts of places our bodies never visit.

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    • I understand Bruce and thank you for the reassurance. Part of my emotions are that I have never been sick enough to go to a specialist, never had a broken bone, have always been healthy. So, this does concern me some.

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  4. so much good advice already given here. Take the day a moment at a time. Live in the moment and find things to cherish. It is hard not to worry, and easy to tell someone not to, but try not to buddy! Tomorrow will come and you will get things figured out. We are what we think – so think good and happy thoughts!

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    • I will think those happy thoughts; today has been better. Thanks Jodi for the words of encouragement. And by the way, I have not forgotten about your question – it will be revealed soon! 🙂

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    • Thank you for your words of encouragement, they mean a great deal to me. I may need to go back and read yours and everyone’s comments in the future as a reminder of what great support I have here. Thanks for stopping by to read and comment and I hope your day is going well for you. 🙂

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  5. Everything you are feeling is understandable! Just preparing for the move alone would be sressful enough. Just dealing with your health issues would be stressful enough. Combine them and you have overload! You are not alone!

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  6. All of us have moments spearfruit, you are just brave enough to post yours! I don’t know what I’d do without God. Even in my darkest hours, I know I’m not alone. And like your friend said above. Don’t borrow trouble, tomorrow has enough worries of its own. I hope you get good news tomorrow! But no matter what, you have said yourself that things happen for a reason. Hang on. You have more to learn 🙂

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  7. Hang in there my friend hopefully you will have some answers tomorrow and more test…my heart aches for you…..the gambit of emotions are so over whelming when your dealing with the unknown……..hugs to you…kat.

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  8. I hope that recording and transcribing your thoughts has helped you release a little of your totally understandable fear. Hope too that the appointment brings knowledge and a way forward. Nga mihi nui (my best wishes)

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  9. Sending healing thoughts your way. It’s hard waiting to hear, waiting to find out WHAT is wrong. I’m in the same boat. 🙂 Fingers are crossed for you!

    You know, it’s so easy for fear to step in and try to get its measly roots under our footing. I just keep trying to step over it. Keep stepping. 🙂 I wrote a story on my blog about my friend Dennis. He was the most faithful, spiritual person I ever knew. He ALWAYS told me “we believe”. That’s where I try to put my worries and my faith.

    Good luck to you. We believe! 🙂

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