Tomorrow is my first appointment with an urologist. I have known something is going on with my body for over 4 months. Since the beginning of this year, my thoughts about my symptoms have increased and after some research and knowing other information about me; I have become somewhat emotional.
My post yesterday ‘’he’ is coming back to me now’ describes me weak with my guard down – I have not been strong lately. The past several days with tomorrows visit on my mind; I became very weak and woke one morning weeping. That morning I voice recorded my feelings and here are those words –
It’s early morning and I can’t meditate I have too much on my mind. I woke up this morning crying because I went to bed last night crying for many reasons. Arguments are taking place maybe because of the stress of the move, me feeling like everything is my fault; me feeling like everything is always my fault because I am weak or defective or something is wrong with me or whatever. It’s always my fault; I’m always at fault in problems, in relationships. I’m always weak – has the smoking and drinking caught up with me? What’s going on with my health? Will I end up having cancer? I always felt if I ever had cancer I wouldn’t get treatment for it, I would deal with it and die; feeling like that is what was dealt me and maybe that is the way I would commit suicide by not taking treatment, if I do have cancer.
I get all these emotions that come back from years ago and I am trying to become strong and control myself, control my feelings, control my (pause), control me. It’s hard, but I want to do it, but it is difficult and sometimes I am weak; many times I am weak. I just feel like just part of me does not want to go on, part of me can’t go on and like it’s; why make improvements in myself when no one else sees it? No one else knows; no one else; sometimes I don’t think they care. They only care when I make mistakes, when I am weak or when I am wrong; but they do not care when I try, when I succeeded.
The battles that go on in my head, the only person that sees them are me and I need someone to care enough to encourage me and to commend me; I need, I can’t; doing that myself is not enough. (Emotions are taking over) During my weak times it would help to feel that someone cares; because right now I don’t feel like anyone cares. (I am weeping) As always I feel like it is just me going alone by myself and there’s people in my life that are just there; but they are not here with me going on the ride. (Breaking down) I am just tired of going on the ride by myself; it’s hard, but I will get through it because I have been through it before and I got through it and I know I will get through it this time.
I know what ever happens it happens; I do think things happen for a reason and so I will get through it and all will be good. But sometimes it is tough and I will have my moments, I’m going to have my days, (pause), but I’ve gotten through it and I will get through this.