In my post ‘The Good Me & The Bad Her’, I wrote the following –
I have never spoken badly about my ex-wife to my sons – and I never will. I feel no need to, it will benefit no-one, it is not necessary after all these years.
I do however feel a need to explain me during this time that I documented in these notebooks.
Some of you know my feelings about me as a father to my sons. Many years I felt like a failure because I was out of my son’s lives at a young age – they do not really know me. This is one reason for starting this blog; I want to share me and who I am and my life in writing so my sons may someday know me and who I was and who I am.
In today’s post, I write the following –
The time during my separation and briefly after my divorce, my sons lived in the same area as me. Living in a large metropolitan area did not mean we lived 10 minutes apart; it was more like 1 hour apart. These notebooks I have and other documentation reflect the effort I put into being a father to my sons. I drove miles to be with them after school while mom was working. I helped with the science projects, the homework and the learning to read during their early years of school. I took time to visit their teachers to discuss how they were doing in school. I kept them on my ‘official visitations’ as well as when their mom needed me – which was more often than not. I kept them when I felt they might be in harm’s way – I felt I needed to protect them.
I always payed the required child support and health insurance – never missed a payment. I always gave money to their mom when she requested it – well beyond what was required of me. I spent many more hours, days, weekends and weeks with my sons than what was required of me. We spent time together, playing games, going to the movies, visiting parks, making meals, and even visiting Disney World.
These notebooks reflect the times, the events, the effort I put into being the best possible dad I could be. This is reflected by my actions not just those my sons witnessed; the words ‘I love you’, the taking care of them, the hugging and the providing. But these notebooks reflect the times, the events the effort I put into being the best possible dad I could be by those actions my sons never witnessed; those that are behind the scenes.
But I will throw these notebooks away because of the documented words from me about my son’s mom.
I did the best I could for my sons in their presence and in their absence.
I did the best I could for you my sons what was required of me and what was not required of me.
I loved you my sons then, and I love you now my sons to no end – Me as Dad; I did what I needed to do.