that kiss

In my post ‘Killing Me Softly‘, I wrote the following –

I mentioned in several past posts that I was sexually violated as a child by an adult male.  I choose to use the words ‘sexually violated’ instead of ‘sexually abused’.  My memory has faded on the amount of times the violation took place, but the last time it occurred continues to be vivid in my mind today.

In today’s post, I write the following –

I was a young boy and I was having sex with an older adult man – the last sexual encounter he kissed me on the lips.  I was shocked and immediately informed him to take me home. My guess is he knew he had to or possibly I would tell someone of our encounters.  This was the last encounter, as he never attempted to be with me again.  I never spoke of those encounters until much later in my adulthood.  But now, I think back to this memory of that last encounter that is still so vivid and the thought comes to my mind “It may be that I was not shocked by that kiss.” instead “It may be that I was surprised by that kiss.”   In retrospect, that kiss was a surprise in that someone gave me something that meant something to me.  Yes, I know I was being sexually violated by an adult while I was still considered a child.  But that kiss, today it means something totally different.

Why is this memory important?

This memory is about more than a kiss; this memory is about someone else showing me attention.  As harmful as sexual violence and sexual abuse is to a child, for me at that time, I do not believe it played a significant role in my life.

Those that have followed me for quite some time; know in my posts titled ‘Thoughts From Years Past’ that I write about my journey from a young boy starting in 2nd grade to the time I decided to kill myself when I was a young man.  I write the experiences, events and difficulties dealing with life that eventually led me to my attempted suicides.  During these many years of difficulties I never consciously thought about those encounters with that older adult male who wanted to have physical contact with me.  My difficulties were more about depression and mental illness.  But did those encounters play a role?  Back then and today I say no.

Now that I am mentally healthier, I think back to that memory of that kiss and the attention that was given to me –

Did that kiss contribute to who I am?

Was that kiss, something that would reveal me?

Why is this memory important?

How did that kiss play a role in the current me and who I am today?

 

19 thoughts on “that kiss

  1. Good post Spear. Very deep. I love the way your write, I love your honesty. I am far from an expert, but for me, life and my life happenings determine who I am today. You are a strong person, Your life has made you that way. I look forward to your next post. Take care and have a good weekend.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for the encouraging and kind words. I also believe our life happenings determine who we are today, and even though there are bad happenings, I learn from them and use them to help me be a better person. Thanks for taking the time today to read and comment – always appreciated! 🙂

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  2. Thank you for being so honest. We all have stories – eh? And we all have an opportunity to make the best of the hand we are dealt. Look forward to more, and the real name reveal 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. That is a very powerful and provocative post. I have read much about the power of kisses. This bears out what I have understood that the kiss is the intimicy that crosses the line. I will make some time to catch up on your story this weekend so that I can contexualise better and understand more of your personal jigsaw. Thank you. Thank you for sharing this. It is highly and deeply moving.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. My word. I am completely new to all of this and if I am honest it took me a little by surprise.

    I think I need to gather my thoughts and like Osyth, read a little more one day that I might better understand the story.

    For now I can only say well done to you for having the strength to come through the awful and traumatic past and I hope you live a long and happy life.

    Take care my friend and have a great weekend.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you for sharing something so deeply personal. Like Osyth and Fridge Magnet, I think I need to read this again and some of your earlier writings. I have no personal experience of anything like this and I am amazed that you have emerged from this to become the wonderful writer and person that you are, I wonder if that is why prostitutes will not kiss their clients? A kiss is a deeply personal gift.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Kerry for the comment, I find some things about myself that are a personal nature, no longer a big deal. These encounters occurred over 40 years ago, therefore I have dealt with them and it may be that someone else can relate. Thanks for reading – hope your weekend is wonderful! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • I hope your weekend is wonderful too (if a tad too chilly for this southerner). I feel much the same about some neglect and my mental illness. Too old to care about the secret and why not help someone else? Good for you.

        Liked by 1 person

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