it’s not a dream

I woke this morning my usual time between 4-5 AM with the same thoughts on my mind as I had when I laid my head down on the pillow the night before.  As I am drinking my coffee I think about these thoughts and I think to myself ‘Was that a dream?’  Then it occurs to me, ‘No it’s not a dream.’  The events of the day before really did occur.

In my post ‘My Urologist: Dr. F.‘, I wrote the following –

The visit with Dr. F. involved me discussing my symptoms and the result of a hospital visit involving a CT scan I had last month.  He indicated I most likely have a tumor on my bladder and it would need to be surgically removed.  Before the removal, first a cystoscopy will take place.  Per webmd.com, here is the definition –

Cystoscopy (say “sis-TAW-skuh-pee”) is a test that allows your doctor to look at the inside of your bladder and urethra. It’s done using a thin, lighted tube called a cystoscope.

The doctor inserts this tube into your urethra and on into the bladder. Your doctor can see areas of your bladder and urethra that usually don’t show up well on X-rays.

Your doctor can also insert tiny surgical tools through the tube to take samples of tissue (biopsy) or samples of urine.

In today’s post I write the following –

The cystoscopy took place yesterday and the results are I have bladder cancer.  Surgery to remove the tumor on my bladder is scheduled for February 10 at which time a biopsy will be taken to determine the stage of the cancer.  Dr. F. believes the cancer is superficial meaning most likely the cancer has not grown into the muscle layer of my bladder.  If his early diagnosis is correct then after the tumor is removed I will then have 6 weeks of intravesical therapy.

Per cancer.org –

Intravesical therapy for bladder cancer

With intravesical therapy, the doctor puts a liquid drug directly into the bladder (through a catheter) rather than giving it by mouth or injecting it into a vein. This could be either immunotherapy, which causes the body’s own immune system to attack the cancer cells, or chemotherapy.

Medicines given this way mainly affect the cells lining the inside of the bladder, with little to no effect on cells elsewhere. This means that any cancer cells outside of the bladder lining, including those that have grown deeply into the bladder wall, are not treated. Drugs put into the bladder also can’t reach cancer cells in the kidneys, ureters, and urethra, or those that have spread to other organs.

For this reason, intravesical therapy is used only for non-invasive (stage 0) or minimally invasive (stage I) bladder cancers.

I will be honest with you, I am experiencing many mixed emotions; they are natural and to be expected.  But ultimately once I have completed experiencing these mixed emotions, I will be strong and positive.

67 thoughts on “it’s not a dream

      • Well, the same here.. Browning wrote it best – “Was ever a fighter, so one fight more, the best and the last”… and as I write to you, I know that it applies to you as much as it applies to me. We are both going through crises, but we – being who we have been and are – will get through this too.. Quietly, without drama and without any of the fears that lesser mortals have. Let us fight back, one more time… and then again.. 🙂

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  1. I am sorry to hear that dear! Let’s keep the positive vibes sending your way! When you find the staging etc. then we can face it together! If you ever feel like giving email or address it would be great, but if not fine too! I care so much and am here! I am holding your hand!! Love you, Lynn xxxx take today to relax and rest, we are all behind you!

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    • I already had a feeling this would be the diagnoses. I have been researching this for several weeks trying to prepare myself. I will have my moments of weakness, but I am a strong person and will get through this. Thanks for your comment, I appreciate your words. 🙂

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  2. I walked away to consider my response to this. Of course I am desperately sorry to read it – that goes without saying but I’ll say it anyway because experience teaches me that it is important to express to those in pain and in fear one’s own sorrow as a sign of solidarity. But there is more. So much more. Cancer is a bitch. She doesn’t care where or who she affects. She can so she does. It isn’t funny, it isn’t romantic. It is scary and your feelings on this diagnosis are uniquely yours. Confused today you may have total clarity tomorrow. You may decide to curl up and shut yourself away or you may need to reach out daily for support. Whatever you do is yours to decide. But I can say that all those whose lives you touch through blogging will be rooting for Team-Spear – that single handed boat that is sailing in rougher seas than it wants to. Shout, holler, scream, bellow, laugh, cry we are all behind you. People who have never even met you. Because you are you and we want you to win your battle. And the early signs are good so you start with a grain of hope. I send you my warmest thoughts and wishes.

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    • Thank you very much for the support you are giving me. I understand your words completely. I did my shouting yesterday and today I just want to be left alone – even though I am on my computer. I did make 1 phone call to my mom, not sure if I will call anyone else today or not. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment, I truly appreciate it. 🙂

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  3. Your mindset is key. If you’re upbeat and positive (as much as possible of course) the outcome is sure to be better than if you let it all drag you down. Excellent advice in the abstract, but I know it’s hard to put into practical use. Some days you probably will feel low and that’s fine. It’s part of the healing too. Just sit down and write out and know that we’re here to support you. And that we understand (some of us second-hand true) – cancer has never come to me personally, but it came to my father. His example is what I will strive for if I ever hear those words myself. Healing thoughts and best of all possible outcomes.

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    • Thanks dear for the kind words and support. You know I think things happen for a reason, and cancer in me right now, well not sure what that reason is just yet. Maybe its happening now because I have wonderful friends in the blogger world here to support me. Thanks! 🙂

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  4. And strong and positive you will be Spear , some days more than others .
    And we will be here thinking of you , some of us praying for the best , others sending positive thoughts and intentions .
    And we thank you for putting us in the picture , so we can be here to travel this road with you whenever you feel like to share your hopes , your fears , your rants . Being not close to you maybe that is how we can “help” you , by having you unburdening your feelings unto us and spare a bit your family and close friends ?? . Don’t think I’m making much sense here 😦
    You are on top of it , you are informed , you have a doctor and a treatment plan , you are a strong person 🙂 that puts you ahead of the game !?
    Turtle Hugs

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  5. I’m so sorry to hear this. Be strong and positive. I know a fellow blogger who is a cancer survivor. She has a wonderful strength of mind and she has won her battle against the disease. I’m sure you’ll come triumphant, too…
    My prayer and positive thoughts for you… 🙂

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  6. Last time, I mentioned the old guy I know who had bladder cancer and then a tumor on the bladder 15 years later. He said bladder cancer is one of the better cancers especially when found early. It sounds like you will make it through this.

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  7. Not the best results to hear, yet probably not the worst results to hear. While I’ve never been diagnosed as having cancer, I cannot truly imagine how you feel. I cannot even imagine how I would feel if I received such news. You do sound positive, though. That’s probably half the battle right there. Good luck to you.

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    • I am positive about the end result of this cancer in me. I believe it is caught early and all will be fine in a couple of months. That does not mean I am not scared, because sometimes I am. But I remain hopeful. Thank you for reading and your kind comment. 🙂

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  8. Oh, I am so sorry to hear this! I am thankful, with you, that they found it early! It looks like the symptoms that caused you fear, will be the ones that also save you! So may whatever worries you have now, also be washed away with a full recovery! What a sacred path you walk! Thank you for sharing it with us and letting us care and encourage you, and learn from you on this journey. I wish you peace and may no good thing be withheld from you!

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  9. Well Spear, not the diagnosis you were hoping for, but a diagnosis just the same….and it sounds like you have all the information regarding it….caught early is always a huge bonus to your health….I am sure you are aware of this, I am just confirming in my mind….I am happy that your MD is moving forward quickly and sound like by spring you will be through this and back to getting into your move….thank you for letting us all be part of such a personal part of your life…..I have learned the hard way, the more people giving you support the better you are…..how fabulous, in less than 2 weeks you will be cancer free…..whooo hooo….thinking of you Spear…..hugs kat

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  10. Oh Spear, how I hoped it wasn’t this but as the other readers commented, it has been caught early and that is good. Cancer isn’t the diagnosis it once was and treatment is less invasive. It’s good being positive and strong but it is also okay to curl up in a ball and cry. Sending you a virtual hug. K x

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks Kerry, I have had my moments, but I am really doing ok. I have spoken with 2 of my sons and was joking about it. One of them ask me why I was laughing about it. I said I have to I cannot let it get to me.

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      • I think you knew it was bladder cancer immediately and have just been waiting for confirmation. I bet there is a small sense of relief that you can now just start treating it. It’s the waiting that is so difficult. The guys at work were teasing me about being blind in one eye now…”can you see me now?” Laughter is a great response.

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        • Yes, you are correct – I suspected it was bladder cancer. And correct again, the waiting is horrible, brings me much stress, and then lets not forget I quit smoking 4 days ago. I have to laugh, I need it! 🙂

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  11. I am so sorry to hear that your suspicions were right. 😢 It’s wonderful that you and your team of docs are moving forward quickly, and that you’ve already taken steps that put you in control- like quitting smoking. Will be thinking of you and praying for a very speedy recovery!

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  12. Pingback: Then it changed | spearfruit

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