Early Morning Rambling Thoughts

 

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Thoughts I voice recorded early this morning –

So today is day #5 without smoking and day #4 knowing I have bladder cancer.  So, the last few mornings I’ve been getting up a little later than I usual do; actually I think I’ve been going to bed earlier than I usually do.  Not sure why that is maybe because since I am not smoking I got thinking on my mind about what is going on with me.  I kind of started drinking earlier in the day; a little bit earlier than I usually do and maybe that is why I am going to bed earlier and getting up later.

So, maybe this is just the way I am dealing with it and I find myself bored cause I am not smoking – makes no sense but when I don’t smoke I don’t have anything to do or I seem to think I don’t have anything to do.   But, I have lots of things but I am not motivated to do anything: I have no motivation or urge to do anything, and I have a lot to do and I need to do things now because once the surgery gets here and whatever happens after that I may not have the energy or strength for a while to do somethings I need to do.

But, I am going to, you know, find the strength to get things done and take the whatever it is I need to do and do it.  I still have a sense of being upset, as far as finding out I have cancer, angry because obviously it is my own fault; smoking all these years, but you know, what am I going to do.  There is no use in getting mad at myself, it is what it is, I made choices and I am not going to have regrets, I will just deal with it and I guess you know, I don’t know, just very, I don’t know, kind of confusing.

I need to, I don’t know, I just know things happen for a reason, and this happened for a reason and it all will be okay; life will go on and everything will be fine.

 

30 thoughts on “Early Morning Rambling Thoughts

  1. It has helped me when I was waiting on a medical test or a procedure to stay as busy as possible doing fun things. Not just being busy for busy sake but enjoying a hobby, watching shows I like, etc. If you are doing something you genuinely enjoy that is when you lose all track of time…as well as not taking time building all those bridges the mind can make you’ll never have to cross. That always has helped me Spear.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yes I understand and these last few days, I have not been busy doing much at all. Part of my problem is withdrawing from smoking, I am having problems with concentration and unable to focus; its frustrating. I know it will get better, I will keep moving forward. Thanks Bruce for the help, it is appreciated. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You’re definitely in my thoughts Spear. And as you said, now you know what’s going on inside of you, so that much is something to deal with. Quitting smoking is a great first step, but I think that is a huge anxiety producer. But your body will thank you in many good ways. It is a positive thing. Stay as positive as possible. You’re a good person.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I feel for you, Spear, but just take one step forward, one day at a time. As hard as it is, try not to look too far ahead, things will work out, they always do, one way or another. Keep writing.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Good Morning….I think your doing great for where you are and what your up against….cold turkey is not easy, but I agree if your going to do it…just stop no teasing yourself…….good for you….I agree with Miriam…one day at a time…look ahead at Feb 10th….you will be cancer free by the end of the day and headed into recovery from this….so you have a date to start to rebuild your body back to the best it can be….so to change the subject….how is the move coming along….I would keep busy cleaning out closets and rooms….just a thought… sending you energy my friend….kat

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks kat for the pep talk, I am a little better today. As far as the move, items are slowly being sold and another garage sale in about a month – so closets are being cleaned out. Progress is being made. Thanks for your comment, I always look forward to them. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. All I can say is, don’t blame yourself, life is weird, it throws us all curve balls, and it is weird. We don’t know the reasons why…just hang in there. Try be positive, and I know that is easier said than done, but try. You are loved, have a great support group out there. We are all routing for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers Spear.

    Liked by 1 person

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