Thoughts I voice recorded early this morning –
So today is day #5 without smoking and day #4 knowing I have bladder cancer. So, the last few mornings I’ve been getting up a little later than I usual do; actually I think I’ve been going to bed earlier than I usually do. Not sure why that is maybe because since I am not smoking I got thinking on my mind about what is going on with me. I kind of started drinking earlier in the day; a little bit earlier than I usually do and maybe that is why I am going to bed earlier and getting up later.
So, maybe this is just the way I am dealing with it and I find myself bored cause I am not smoking – makes no sense but when I don’t smoke I don’t have anything to do or I seem to think I don’t have anything to do. But, I have lots of things but I am not motivated to do anything: I have no motivation or urge to do anything, and I have a lot to do and I need to do things now because once the surgery gets here and whatever happens after that I may not have the energy or strength for a while to do somethings I need to do.
But, I am going to, you know, find the strength to get things done and take the whatever it is I need to do and do it. I still have a sense of being upset, as far as finding out I have cancer, angry because obviously it is my own fault; smoking all these years, but you know, what am I going to do. There is no use in getting mad at myself, it is what it is, I made choices and I am not going to have regrets, I will just deal with it and I guess you know, I don’t know, just very, I don’t know, kind of confusing.
I need to, I don’t know, I just know things happen for a reason, and this happened for a reason and it all will be okay; life will go on and everything will be fine.