In my post ‘It was time to end my life’, I wrote the following –
I was scared and most likely was attempting suicide as a cry for help and not really wanting to end it all. Some people say those that attempt or commit suicide are cowards and want an easy way out. But when you feel out of control and thoughts of hurting others are in your mind and there seems no end to suffering and pain and people are telling you they do not understand you or you need help but they are not helping or supporting you and your weakness prevails – how do you keep going?
In today’s post, I write the following –
Recently I recording my voice early morning and these are the words I spoke –
Suicide, do I still think about it? Yes – almost on a daily basis! Why do I not want to live? Why am I living? I am living for other people; my kids – why I don’t’ know; my husband – why I don’t know. Will they all be better without me in their lives – without me being here? Maybe I live because someday I will be happy, really truly happy – but then again I don’t think I will be ever. The struggles that I still deal with though they are much milder and calmer than when I was a young man in my twenties, they are still in my mind; they are still a constant reminder everyday – here with me experiencing the turmoil that goes on in my mind. It is difficult for me; it’s tiring, I’m fatigued from fighting everything that goes on in my mind.
Can I go get on some medication? Yes, I could and that would probably help – but then I feel like I lose the fight. I feel like that I am just existing and not becoming; becoming better; becoming stronger – but just existing and accepting. To me that’s not, that’s not good enough. I have to fight I have to struggle, I have to keep moving forward; I have to keep going with the flow and working on myself and becoming a better person. That’s maybe what my life is about – I don’t’ know. Is it exhausting and tiring? Yes, it is and when I get that way that’s when I think about suicide; that’s when I think about death, that’s when I think about not being here – not existing, not breathing; but just being gone from this world, from this body, from this mind and being non-existent.
It sounds peaceful, it sounds calm, it sounds internal; it sounds like something that’s good to me, something that I want. But as long as I am still here I am not going to commit suicide – I will not do it. And though my mind tells me it is an option, there is that conscience part of me that says no, it is not an option. And I struggle with this still; but it will not ever happen and I will keep fighting the good fight and I will keep continuing to move forward. And I will keep struggling even though the process may hurt other people I will keep doing it; keep trying. But it is exhausting sometimes, it’s very exhausting and I lose control and sometimes I just don’t know what to do anymore.
But I keep trying.