suicide – it sounds peaceful, it sounds calm

In my post ‘It was time to end my life’, I wrote the following –

I was scared and most likely was attempting suicide as a cry for help and not really wanting to end it all.  Some people say those that attempt or commit suicide are cowards and want an easy way out.  But when you feel out of control and thoughts of hurting others are in your mind and there seems no end to suffering and pain and people are telling you they do not understand you or you need help but they are not helping or supporting you and your weakness prevails – how do you keep going?

In today’s post, I write the following –

Recently I recording my voice early morning and these are the words I spoke –

Suicide, do I still think about it? Yes – almost on a daily basis!  Why do I not want to live?  Why am I living?  I am living for other people; my kids – why I don’t’ know; my husband – why I don’t know.  Will they all be better without me in their lives – without me being here?  Maybe I live because someday I will be happy, really truly happy – but then again I don’t think I will be ever.  The struggles that I still deal with though they are much milder and calmer than when I was a young man in my twenties, they are still in my mind; they are still a constant reminder everyday – here with me experiencing the turmoil that goes on in my mind.  It is difficult for me; it’s tiring, I’m fatigued from fighting everything that goes on in my mind.

Can I go get on some medication?  Yes, I could and that would probably help – but then I feel like I lose the fight.  I feel like that I am just existing and not becoming; becoming better; becoming stronger – but just existing and accepting.  To me that’s not, that’s not good enough.  I have to fight I have to struggle, I have to keep moving forward; I have to keep going with the flow and working on myself and becoming a better person.  That’s maybe what my life is about – I don’t’ know.  Is it exhausting and tiring?  Yes, it is and when I get that way that’s when I think about suicide; that’s when I think about death, that’s when I think about not being here – not existing, not breathing; but just being gone from this world, from this body, from this mind and being non-existent.

It sounds peaceful, it sounds calm, it sounds internal; it sounds like something that’s good to me, something that I want.  But as long as I am still here I am not going to commit suicide – I will not do it.  And though my mind tells me it is an option, there is that conscience part of me that says no, it is not an option.  And I struggle with this still; but it will not ever happen and I will keep fighting the good fight and I will keep continuing to move forward.  And I will keep struggling even though the process may hurt other people I will keep doing it; keep trying.  But it is exhausting sometimes, it’s very exhausting and I lose control and sometimes I just don’t know what to do anymore.

But I keep trying.

 

66 thoughts on “suicide – it sounds peaceful, it sounds calm

    • Thanks turtle, yes one day at a time – this is what I do. Most of my days are good, but then one day out of many I am very weak – this is when these thoughts come to me. Thanks for reading and being supportive. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  1. If your dead, you won’t know if it was the answer would you? The only answer sometimes is changing everything about your life and starting over. That means everything! Home, people, job, all of it. But first, you have to know who YOU are, and what you need, not necessarily want. They may not be one in the same. Only when you know that can you find peace.

    Liked by 4 people

    • Yes, I agree and I understand – I have had many, many years to figure it all out – and still lack some peace. It is frustrating at times, but I continue on to another day. Thanks my friend for the comment, I truly appreciate it.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Still your mind Terry. Take time to empty it and think only of the good stuff. Think only of your children, your husband your life and how much you DO enjoy it. It is natural to consider ending it all at some point in our lives BUT it is the fact that we have chosen not to that sets us apart, that makes us stronger and able to deal with everything. You are a warm and good person and you mean so much to so many so please try your best to never think like this and always remember, I am here should you wish to talk because as we ALL know talking DOES help.
    Be well Terry and take care old fruit.

    Liked by 9 people

  3. You have come so far in life, your journey is just beginning. Everyday is the start of a new day. This is a new chapter in your life. Try only to be positive, look on the bright side of things, there is always a positive when there is a negative. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. I must say, it saddened me reading your post. I so hoped the wounds of the past had healed. You wrote something powerful…’fighting the good fight’. Terry, fight the good fight. 🙂 Move forward. x

    Liked by 4 people

    • Thanks Lynne, your words mean a great deal to me – it is nice to know I have friends that are very supportive and encouraging. Yes, I continue to fight the good fight, I do have the strength to win and overcome that which wants to bring me down. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Terry, I found a lot of wisdom in the comment from the “Magnet.” You know I think mortality does “hit” all of us at one point. When I was fourteen or so through a set of untimely circumstances I wound up being a pall bearer for three relatives. I was “covered” in death at a very early age in that regard and saw the reactions of all those left behind. Perhaps that was imprinted in me because when someone passes away now I first think of the ones that remain to carry on. I think that even in my lowest moments my thoughts have always run towards the people that would be affected should…when…I pass on. Even when we don’t think we’re worthy or we’re just exhausted of “running the race” I think of the faces of those who love us, who need us. And then when I read of other people who have it so, so much worse than I that of course also serves as such an inspiration to continue to take on the daily challenges of life. Negative thoughts consume us only if we let ’em in. It’s obvious you’re a fighter and I know you can beat them.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks Bruce, yes I understand where you are coming from and I agree. When I started this blog, I wanted it to be about my life – it is not always good – I have my days – this was one of them. On the other side of the coin are the good days, the days I am learning and growing and becoming stronger. Thanks for your support and words – they mean a great deal to me.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. You are very brave. Is the OCD the big thing? I can so relate! It is horrible and can make it hard to continue a normal life! When I am under stress it is way worst and must be for you as well. You are brave, brave to tell us your inner most feelings and get it out there! much love xxx

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I don’t think it is possible for people who do not experience deep depression to understand the notion of suicidal thoughts or wishing to be dead but also not wanted to truly kill yourself. I empathize, my friend, and that is why I take medication to keep those strange thoughts away. It is important to remember that it is a chemical imbalance and illness (such as diabetes) and that we can no more control it with our personality than fly to the moon. I made my Teddy cry today because my mood has lifted, the surgery was successful (as will be your treatment) and the zombie apocalypse did not happen. He was worried that he might lose me and I am sure your husband and family have thought the same.

    I don’t know if you are currently on anti-depressant medication but it is commonly prescribed for cancer patients because of the emotional trauma of the diagnosis. If you think it would help, ask your doctor. My personal favorite is Prozac – cheap, proven and suitable for children and adults. PS. That is not advice just my thoughts. I wish I could give you turtle hugs – they sound like so much fun. Instead I am sending #1 boyfriend kisses. K x

    Liked by 3 people

    • Oh, Kerry – I have become a little tearing eyed reading your comment – someone who understands! I stopped medications many years ago, because the very ‘down’ years were overcome and I felt they were not needed any longer. At this stage in my life it is about finding the inter strength to overcome that which wants to defeat me – hopefully that makes some sense. I am so very pleased to hear that your surgery was a success – I knew it would be. And I am extremely glad you are doing much better today. Yes, those turtle hugs sound pretty darn good right now. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

      • Hi Terry
        I was at the psychiatrist when I re-read your blog and realized, yet again, that I had speed read your post. I didn’t see that you did not want to take medication and I understand that. My medication has just been increased a little for two weeks only to see if it takes away those bad thoughts (without causing hypomania). I wonder if this anecdote helps? I have a friend with stage 4 cancer and recently helped her go through grueling chemotherapy. Then her Dad died in Scotland and she is here in TX. She really didn’t want to take any mental health medications but we talked through the potential benefits versus disadvantages and that she could come off them, if she wanted. She started taking anti depressants and anti anxiety medication and it helped so much with the trauma of the treatment/circumstances.

        I had a long spell without medication – I didn’t start taking any until I was over 40. As long as everything was okay (nothing traumatic like bladder cancer :)) I could cope. I now walk a tripwire trying to keep physically well and take just enough medication to keep the demons away but not to send me into fairyland. That’s a fun analogy, isn’t it? Anyway, turtle hugs, Kerry hugs, kissing it better. Do whatever feels right to you but remember that mental ill health is just like any other illness, sometimes it needs treated. Love you xx

        Liked by 2 people

        • Thanks Kerry, I am thankful you understand me because of your own personal experience. I am no longer depressed which is what my medication was originally for many years ago. Yes, my mood is up and down at times, but honestly for me I feel strongly I have to deal with this without medications. I honestly appreciate your openness and very much appreciate your perspective. But most of all I am glad our paths have crossed – you bring sometime to me and to my life – thank you!

          Liked by 2 people

    • I agree with Kerry. I’ve lived with chronic depression all my life and have been on and off medication all my life as well. When I felt good I would stop my meds, be okay for a time and then go right back down that deep, dark, abyss. I’m now on Prozac (have been since November) because the Wellbutrin that was effective caused shortness of breath.

      I used to feel that I wasn’t normal and as Kerry stated, one of my therapists told me that my depression was a chemical imbalance. I felt guilty, like I should have been able to control it without medicine and have always desired to just be normal but now after 50 some years of living with this I’ve come to the conclusion that this is my normal.

      Your post was so poignant and I was right there with you. Hang in there and I wish you peace. ~Steph

      Liked by 2 people

  7. I understand how you feel about medication. I rejected it last year when things got really bad and I saw my doctor. Not medicating was really empowering. I still find myself thinking how easy it would be to end my life, but knowing I chose — even that one time– to take charge of my life and work to make things better rather than accept chemical defeat, it helps. I wish I had the words to reassure and comfort you; I’m rubbish at this stuff. But as you can see, people do care and do value you and you can hold that up as a mirror to see the goodness and the worth in yourself. Kia Kaha; nga mihi nui.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Su, just the words you wrote in your comment are reassuring and comforting. That is because you have an understanding of what I am feeling – and that I appreciate. And the words you wrote ‘I still find myself thinking how easy it would be to end my life, but knowing I chose — even that one time– to take charge of my life and work to make things better rather than accept chemical defeat, it helps.’ Those words have great meaning to me – Thank You!

      Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks, I appreciate your kind words. One reason for beginning my blog was to express my feelings and my life and maybe in return someone else can find something here that helps them along the way. Thanks for reading and commenting – I hope your day is wonderful! 🙂

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  8. Never stop trying. Suicide is not an option, Terry. Think of the people who love you, who need you. Even in this virtual world, your blog readers (including me) enjoy your writing, your company. 🙂 Absolute happiness is a Utopian concept, everybody has issues with life. Still, we live, because ending the life would not lead us anywhere, but one day life would…well maybe… let’s keep up the hope… 🙂

    Have a nice day… 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Sorry to hear that Terry. You’ve been dealt some obstacles many will never have to face. I wish I had the right words to say. We may not share the same views on everything, but I do care and wish you the best. There is a song by Chris Tomlin that comes to mind called ‘I will Rise’.
    “There’s a peace I’ve come to know
    Though my heart and flesh may fail
    There’s an anchor for my soul
    I can say “It is well”
    Jesus has overcome…”
    Life is full of trials, but peace is attainable. Don’t give up.

    Liked by 1 person

      • I can’t say I enjoyed it but it was not at all the horror I had imagined and the staff who looked after me were wonderful. I have to wait for next week to get the results but I feel very clean and positive today! And you? More importantly, you? How did it go ….

        Liked by 1 person

        • I am glad you feel good about your experience, I have been putting that off for a couple of years now. My time will come. Yesterday was good, I will know more about the results when I have my follow-up with my urologist next week.

          Liked by 1 person

          • I’d recommend you do it but not til you are clear of the cussed C that is affecting you right now. One thing at a time and all that. But really – when you are clear (and you will be – I believe this) …. it isn’t at all onerous though the prep is a little taxing in a plumbing sort of way 🙂

            Liked by 1 person

  10. Ok, let’s start by noting that I’ve never been suicidal. In a murderous rage? Yes. Suicidal? No.

    But, that being said, I have dealt with physical challenges all life long due to a birth defect, and I fought taking medicine every day because I should have been strong enough to “tough it out”. Yes, the crap society teaches us. While also showing us that someone with a broken leg NEEDS crutches to be mobile.

    Since your burden is depression and suicidal thoughts, is there any possibility in your mind that your thoughts are the betrayers? Not saying you’re not justified, but just that I grew up with a manic depressive father, and the 6 months he was on lithium when I was about 9 years old were the happiest I can ever remember with him.

    While I will support whatever choices you make (and especially because it’s none of my business), I will ask you once again to examine why you think a life with the help of medication to control your wilder/more irrevocable impulses is unsatisfactory.

    Please be aware that I grew up in a drama-filled household, and when I moved to CA from MA in 1985, it took a good year of peace and quiet to understand that life didn’t always have to be one extreme or the other. That a life lived in peace also gave me the opportunity to think my thoughts and manage myself.

    Having found my center and balance, I would never go back to what I endured while growing up. Knowing your own boundaries is what’s important to knowing what will or will not work for you. But, please think about the crutches parable.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hello, first I would like to say thank you for following my blog, I welcome comments on my posts and will respond to everyone of them as I appreciate the readers taking the time to post them. I understand your reasoning for leaving this comment, truly I do – but you really need to read more of my other posts to get a better understand of me – where I have been and where I am now in my life. This one post in a extremely small fragment of me. Thanks for your comment.

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