In my post ‘Oh Too Many Relationships‘, I wrote the following –
These other people in my life at that time lied to me, belittled me and cheated on me. My insecurities grew, my self-esteem lowered and I became controlling in that I had to know what the other person was doing all the time, so that I may feel and know they are being true. I expected the phone calls and I expected a full time relationship – I expected the relationship to be a priority.
With the insecurities, the low self-esteem, the controlling brought weakness, fear and jealousy.
In my post ‘Love Emails‘, I ended with the following –
Like school kids passing love notes in class, the emails were filled with words of excitement, joy and happiness to the new person that had entered into their lives. Is it difficult for you to understand that yes, two men can love one another, can bring happiness and joy to one another and continue lives together as a couple as a unit and as a family.
Loves in the air –
In today’s post, I write the following –
We moved in together a little over 6 months after meeting. It was Halloween the day the papers were signed on the new house we would call home for the next 13+ years. He had never been in a long term relationship and me taking several years off; we were ready to start our lives together. There were some difficulties with starting the new relationship; having only known each other for 6 months, did we really know each other?
Though my last relationship ended 3 years earlier, I continued to have my insecurities which resulted in the weakness, fear and jealousy.
My then partner worked 7 days on, and then was off for 7 days. Just moving into our new home, and him bringing many household items, meant he was preparing the home – while I was working. I became jealous feeling left out and unimportant. I begin to question the relationship; am I being taken advantage of? This happened in the past, will it happen again? Will he hurt me? I need to give him the opportunity to show me how much he cares.
The anxiety grew and the emotions became overwhelming at times. Was I losing control again of myself; my thoughts and emotions? All the years of depression and despair scare me; will they come back again? Will I live up to his expectations, what if he cheats on me like the others did? I do not want to feel that pain again. Feelings of rejection, of insignificance, that somehow I am responsible for other’s actions because of my inadequacies.
The first several months and into the next year, struggles would take place and communication skills would improve. Over the years I gained trust and discovered a genuine man, who loves me for who I am.
Has this relationship developed into a perfect relationship – no – but it is one built on commitment – built on love – for the rest of our lives together.