My Enemy

You may have heard the phrase ‘You are your own worst enemy.’  I know this is true for me.

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When I was a young man I had the picture in my head.  I wanted it badly; but I was my own worst enemy.

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I have my way of doing things: it is my way or no way.  I wanted it badly: but I was my own worst enemy.

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My insecurities my low self-esteem; it was my entire fault.  I wanted it badly: but I was my own worst enemy.

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But, I am slowly getting over this.

malandarras.com article ‘How To Defeat Your Own Worst Enemy’ starts with the following –

For as long as I can remember, I have battled with an enemy.

This enemy followed me everywhere I went.

It talked down to me and told me that I wasn’t as good as everyone else

Made me self-conscious, shy and worried about what other people were thinking

Filtered out good things that happened and told me to focus on only the bad

After decades of battling with my enemy, which I decided was the entire world –  I wore myself out and took a breather to regroup.

And that’s when it hit me.

The enemy was inside me. It had nothing to do with the outside world.  The enemy was a never-ending stream of unspoken thoughts going on in my own head.

Yes, I relate to this.

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In my post ‘Benefits of Therapy’, I wrote the following –

I learned to accept compliments from others without minimizing them.  I learned to be self-confident and to be giving to myself.  I learned and I grew and I became a better person, not a perfect person, but I was a better person.

In my post ‘I am grateful for that person now dead to me’, I wrote the following –

I am grateful for depression, attempted suicides, prescribed medications, many years of therapy, struggles, pain, self-abuse and tears.

I am grateful for many things in my previous life – that someone else that I barely know – a person that is distant and now dead to me.

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You may have heard the phrase ‘You are your own worst enemy.’  I know this was once true for me.

I am an older man and I have the picture in my head.  I want it badly; I am not my own worst enemy.

I had my way of doing things: it is not my way or no way.  I want it badly: I am not my own worst enemy.

I am secure with a high self-esteem; it is no longer my fault.  I want it badly: I am not my own worst enemy.

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33 thoughts on “My Enemy

  1. I am pleased your worst enemy is now dearly departed 🙂 and that you have over come the doubts and the insecurities that were whispered in your ear..

    Having suffered from severe depression in my teens and in later life having a nervous breakdown.. Its good to do battle with yourself and Win.. And let the masks of who you once were fall away.

    Wonderful to know you have overcome so much and have come out brighter the other side..

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you Sue, it helps to know others understand! I know I am not the only one that deals with that enemy within themselves. Thanks for your comment, always appreciated. 🙂

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    • You are welcome Joyce! If my life experiences can help others, it was worth going through them. I hope you find resolution with that enemy within, I know how much it can try to destroy our inner-selves.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Terry, this is very special and so nice that you have opened up to us and have shared this important part of you! I think many people fight with this, probably all of us to some extent. You being able to say these things makes me feel joy inside that is hard to express! xx Hi to Gary!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I believe you are right about most likely everyone has their own inner enemy. I think maybe in some people it is stronger and the struggle is greater to overcome. Thanks Maniparna, I always appreciate your comments. Happy day to you my friend! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Hey Terry, I wonder (and I really do not mean to pry or ask an awkward question) but did your life not improve the most dramatically when you decided that you wanted to live as a Gay man? I only ask because although I do not know personally, I imagine that must be pretty heavy baggage to carry around with you every day?
    Like I say, I apologise if I have spoken out of turn.

    Liked by 1 person

    • No need to apologize Cameron, but my sexuality had nothing to do with my psychiatric illness as a young man. My category ‘Thoughts From Year Past’ chronicles my life from a very young child to the time I decided to end my life and through my years of therapy, which is where the majority of my posts like this one relate to. I consider my sexuality as a non issue for me as it was not a factor to my inner struggles. Hope that clarifies. Thanks for your comment, always appreciated.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Thanks for sharing Terry…isn’t it nice when we can unload old baggage weighing us down….I believe there needs to be a class in school that opens our eyes at a much younger age to how we talk to ourselves, how to change our image of who and what we think we are….I believe its more important than many of the courses they made us sit through for years…..kat

    Liked by 2 people

    • I agree kat, many subjects in school are important, but do they really prepare us for ourselves? Life lessons by us experienced people can be beneficial to those still in school. Thanks dear, always appreciate your comments. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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