Me, I have been in a mood lately – and not a good one.
Did you notice in yesterday’s post ‘The planning continues‘, how boring that was? Really I can do better than that. I have lost some motivation and my brain is not very creative and my writing skills are not good. So life is stagnating and my mood and creativity is going with it. In a couple of days, I will let you know what is taking place on the home front, this is part of the reason for my mood.
My mood is affecting my body in that I am tired, I have little motivation to do anything and this in turn is causing withdrawal and moods that are flipping from good to bad, back to good, then to worse. I am angry, frustrated, short tempered, withdrawn, rude, hateful, aggressive, destructive, impatient, ungrateful, and in need of the end. The end of what, well a course my life!
Yes, you know I think about it, but I will not do that! I am over that, but I still think about it.
The stabbing, the drowning, the pills, the gun, the running off the road, did I mention the stabbing?
In my post ‘Thoughts From Years Past.19‘, I concluded with the following –
There was a time as a young boy, I felt depressed and wanted to kill myself. I recall going into the kitchen and grabbing a knife out the drawer and thinking about stabbing myself. I wanted to so badly; I wanted to be dead, to not experience the pain I was feeling at that time. But, something kept me from going through with it. I was just as scared of killing myself as I was of living. Now in my late twenties it was the time to go through with it, to end this miserable and disturbing life. I was older now with more stresses and struggles in my mind. I was older now to have the strength to carry it out this time. The time had arrived. It was time to end my life!
In today’s post, I conclude with the following –
Friends, no need to worry – all will be fine. At a very young age I struggled and the knife was there that I wanted so badly – but I knew better. Today, I have thoughts of that knife and the inflicting of harm and death to myself – but I know better.
I continue to struggle with myself, that part of me that wants to be beat me down. I become tired and worn-out. I become moody, angry, frustrated, short tempered, withdrawn, rude, hateful, aggressive, destructive, impatient, ungrateful, and in need of the end – but I know better.
I know better, because I know me – I know I can do better –
I believe I can.