I can do better

Me, I have been in a mood lately – and not a good one.

Did you notice in yesterday’s post ‘The planning continues‘, how boring that was?  Really I can do better than that.  I have lost some motivation and my brain is not very creative and my writing skills are not good.  So life is stagnating and my mood and creativity is going with it.  In a couple of days, I will let you know what is taking place on the home front, this is part of the reason for my mood.

My mood is affecting my body in that I am tired, I have little motivation to do anything and this in turn is causing withdrawal and moods that are flipping from good to bad, back to good, then to worse.  I am angry, frustrated, short tempered, withdrawn, rude, hateful, aggressive, destructive, impatient, ungrateful, and in need of the end.  The end of what, well a course my life!

Yes, you know I think about it, but I will not do that!  I am over that, but I still think about it.

The stabbing, the drowning, the pills, the gun, the running off the road, did I mention the stabbing?

In my post ‘Thoughts From Years Past.19‘, I concluded with the following –

There was a time as a young boy, I felt depressed and wanted to kill myself.  I recall going into the kitchen and grabbing a knife out the drawer and thinking about stabbing myself.  I wanted to so badly; I wanted to be dead, to not experience the pain I was feeling at that time.  But, something kept me from going through with it.  I was just as scared of killing myself as I was of living.  Now in my late twenties it was the time to go through with it, to end this miserable and disturbing life.  I was older now with more stresses and struggles in my mind.  I was older now to have the strength to carry it out this time.  The time had arrived.  It was time to end my life!

In today’s post, I conclude with the following –

Friends, no need to worry – all will be fine.  At a very young age I struggled and the knife was there that I wanted so badly – but I knew better.  Today, I have thoughts of that knife and the inflicting of harm and death to myself – but I know better.

I continue to struggle with myself, that part of me that wants to be beat me down.  I become tired and worn-out.  I become moody, angry, frustrated, short tempered, withdrawn, rude, hateful, aggressive, destructive, impatient, ungrateful, and in need of the end – but I know better.

I know better, because I know me – I know I can do better –

I believe I can.

46 thoughts on “I can do better

  1. Yes You Can Terry ❤
    We believe and most important You Do Believe !
    You over there , me over here , and so many others like us …Thankfully we've all met (albeit virtually) to support and understand one another(s) .
    Thank you for bringing us such a beautiful song
    Turtle Hugs

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you Turtle, yes, thankfully we’ve all met – it helps knowing there are friends in the blogging world who can support and understand! Thanks for your kind comment, I appreciate you! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. HI Terry. Here’s a ginormous hug for you! I GET it. I get what you are saying and you are correct. All will be fine. But–I am going to argue with something you wrote. Um…you don’t think your writing is good????????? Liar! Your writing is great! Your writing has emotion and makes us “feel”–and that’s what it’s all about! Heal and feel better my love! XOXOXO!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Catherine, you are a wonderful friend and I am thankful we have connected. I always expect more out of myself, so my level of writing to me is not good. But I understand where you are coming from and I appreciate the compliment. Have a happy day my dear. 🙂

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  3. You’re about to face a huge life change which is enough to cause anyone anxiety, hence mood changes. While daunting, I believe taking a trip around the states and totally uprooting your life will be so good for you, and I don’t believe for an instant that you’re going to regret it. Soon you’ll be planting new roots down, but until then, you’ll be doing what a lot of us only dream about. Think of the exciting experiences you’re going to have. Rejuvenating!! And if I’m way off base on this, please forgive me… bottom line is I know we all only want to see you happy! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Paula, you are not off base, because this selling and preparing to move is stressful and therefore is bringing some unwanted moods. I appreciate your support and I know you are correct, once we are ‘out there’ traveling, all will be good! Thanks for visiting, and I do appreciate your comments. Have a great day! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. HUGS from Mars Terry! I wonder if you are growing frustrated with the house for sale. It is a difficult time and though it has not been very long in the scheme of things – I know what it feels like and you want everyone to love it and want it and are offended when they don’t. Days feel like months. Hang in there and find MOMENTS to Cherish – Moments of simple things. Make yourself find at least 5 a day. A beautiful flower or bird or someone that smiles at you or a delicious meal or treat. I’m not an expert – but I am someone who cares about you! Be well my friend!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Jodi, I appreciate you and your support. You know I have my reminders about being in the moment, the happiness and those things. I get caught up in the bad mood and forget about the ‘good’ stuff and forget to cherish the moments. I am a work in progress. You are a great friend, and I am thankful for that. Happy Tuesday my friend! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. To focus on the the mundane but true – selling a house and moving is 100% stressful. One of the most stressful things a person can go through. I think you should pat yourself on the back and give yourself a round of applause that you have got this far before hitting the wall. I can’t do much but I can send you love and urge you to not ‘try to do better’ but just go with it a bit. And if the blog needs a little break, so be it. We will all be here when you feel up to it and we will not talk about you behind your back 😉 Or if you want to just let the feelings flow here then we are all here for you and we won’t talk about you behind your back. Whatever feels right is right just now. I send you hugs from New England. I send you empathy from my heart and I send you all the love I can fit in a zephr of wind that will dissipate when it gets to Dallas thereby ensuring that you benefit. I have special powers 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    • Osyth, you always bring a smile to my face, and I bet you do have special powers! All will be good, I am already on my way back up. Thanks for your support and always finding the right words to write to me. You brighten my day! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Terry, as others have said, you are going through some major life stressors! It would be crazy- not to mention unrealistic- to maintain a happy go lucky, prolific posting schedule, all is well with the world pace. There must be something going on (are the planets off?)… you are not the only one writing about the struggles of writing lately. Take your time… we are here. xo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Jean, your support and words are kind and appreciated. I go through these phases at times and stress has much to do with it. I do my best, and know it gets better! Thanks for taking the time to visit today, hope your day is lovely! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Terry as I was reading your post my heart was breaking for you. It is so tough when you’re in the midst of that place that would fool you into believing the world is better off without you–it’s a lie. As others have said stress will take you places you’d rather not be but know this–you’ve got all of us behind you to catch you when you fall just don’t give up. You got this!! Hugs ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Love and Light to You Terry!

    That part of you that Knows better – is the unconditional Love within You and each of Us – that we strive to embrace fully! Being conscious of knowing there is better than the pains and arrows we suffer, is our mind beginning to awaken to Love. And, this is a very attainable love even though the mind, our thinking, denies it and doubts it. That is the illusion of the ego that swims in fear, doubt and feeds on the emotions of sorrow and of feeling like a victim, of being unlovable.

    Your courage encourages others through your words of hope and wisdom – by expressing You know better and in that we see and feel that Knowing of better within ourselves! Yeah!

    In the hope You find Love close at hand, PortiaSLB

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you very much for the kind and enlightening comment. I understand and appreciate your words and I will continue to travel this journey. I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment and hope your day is a happy one! 🙂

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  9. Thank you for your words and honesty Terry. I always admire most the people who so openly share their struggles. I just sold a house and the process is so draining for so many reasons! I hope this hard time passes soon for you.

    – Hannah

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Stay strong Terry. I don’t want to say anything of a cliched or puerile nature but I know you will get through this. We all suffer from set backs and as much as we do not want them, they hang there. It is the nature of our conditions so please do not think you are alone n this, there are many of us fighting this fight with you.
    As I say, be strong and all will come good.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Dear friend, you know I empathize. Try to be gentle on yourself. It is not that long since you were diagnosed with cancer and now a major life change may be happening. Whatever happens, you are with the love of your life and anything is possible. Hugs K x

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Terry, I am sure the stress of planning, and waiting, and anticipating are contributing to your mood. We have been going through the potential for a change for weeks now. And the stress can be more than we are consciously aware of. I tend to withdraw too, so I can relate to that. I think change of any kind, even good changes, can be stressful. Change is also harder for some of us. By now, you must be feeling like “enough already!”

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, I do feel “enough already”, and I am frustrated! So many unknowns right now and the waiting – it is stressful. I continue to remind myself, everything will be good – patience – I need to work on the patience! Thanks for the comment, always appreciated. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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