Last night

Last night was one of the worst nights I have had.  I literally was up every hour to go to the bathroom.  I looked at the clock each time and once an hour I went to pee.  During the times I was not in the bathroom, my bladder was burning and my lower right back side was pounding with pain.  During the times I was in the bathroom, I was peeing and was in pain during the process.  I cried quite a bit last night, not because of the pain, but because I do not want this type of quality of life.  Why now?

Things are looking good for Gary and I.  The home is in the process of being sold and we are planning our not so distant travel adventure.  I ask again, why now?

During my restless, painful and emotional night, I kept telling myself.  PHAIN – Patience, Happiness And In the moment Now.

I do not want anyone feeling sorry for me because I am feeling what I am feeling at this moment.

Words of encouragement are always helpful – but not needed – but I do favor them.

Yesterday, I spoke with my mom on the phone about the status of me and my future.  She knows I am awaiting surgery and as always she offers words of encouragement as she has always done.  She said you will get through this and I have all my brothers praying for you.  A tear came from my eye and I said “Thank You”.  I told her, I am okay with the cancer and said “It is what it is.”  I also told her that this was not my greatest challenge in my life.  I told her I have already been through the greatest challenge in my life.  “You remember mom, you were there with me during the dark years of depression, the suicide attempts, the physiatrist hospital, the tears, the self-doubt, the self-hating, the self-hurting, the having no reason to live – all those many, many years.”  “That IS my biggest challenge in my life.  And if I can make it through years and years of self-destruction and re-construction to be here today – I can and will get through what life wants to throw in my way.”

You see I know there are others that suffer more than I; both physically and mentally.  I just have a little cancer on my bladder, that is it.  Do I suffer as a result of it?  Yes, I do.

I take responsibility of my cancer for I know I have and had bad habits in my life.  But, I have no regrets.  I cannot have regrets, only experiences and things I learned along the way in my life that brought me here today.

I will get through this, I will make more changes in my life to improve myself and improve my life.

I am down, sad, upset, but motivated.  I may be broken, but I am not defeated.

Me (2)

81 thoughts on “Last night

  1. Snatch a couple of minutes
    If you feel you need it, take brief cat naps throughout the day. You’ll be surprised at how much peace can come from a couple of minutes- even while sitting at your typewritezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzz !!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Yes you will get through this Terry, You are saying and doing the right things my friend.. Keeping postive.. But a little added healing energy being sent your way via me will not do any harm.. So sending..
    Love and Hugs
    Sue ❤

    Liked by 3 people

  3. A bump in the road…a little hill in your walk of life. You have already climbed mountains with terrain that should have been insurmountable…but you did it.
    Your spirit is strong and willing….and you have all of us….pulling for you and sending you hugs and wishes!

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thank you Laurel, your words have a great deal of impact on me – truly they do. I do appreciate your support as well as others. I have my moments of weakness and it is comforting to know you and others are here to help me. Hope your day is going well for you! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m coming from the weirdo side of seeing things, but I believe (and it’s not necessary that anyone else even agree with this) I believe that whatever forces surround us – the good and the evil spirits if you will; like balance above all. So if things are going ‘too good’ we get something dark or evil thrown in for balance. I feel your pain (literally too 😉 ) and I’m praying that the positive forces win out. You have much, you appreciate and are thankful for your bounty, but best of all (to me) you have Gary. Someone who is right there to help you bear the burden. To me (who had a flawed version of a Gary once) it’s much harder alone. And has the doctor suggested anything to make the whole urinary process a bit easier until the procedure is done? I am prone to urinary/bladder infections and for myself (I understand the ‘pissin’ razorblades feeling, I really do)..for myself when I feel that coming on, cranberry juice (straight, no blends or cocktail types – the straight on cranberry), tons of water, tea and other beverages of that ilk help clear out any infections and make it much easier to pee. Now I know that isn’t going to take away the cancer, and I don’t have a clue about what your doctor may have said; but it might make the nightly visits to the pot a little easier to bear. My best wishes and healing light to you my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your support and suggestions. I know there are others that have the same issues or have had in the past. I am not the only one and I know that – I just don’t like what is taking place right now. I know in due time it will pass and all will be good again. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment today. I am hoping you are having a better day today! 🙂

      Like

  5. We generally have two courses which we may choose to follow. We can focus on disease and the unknown or we can focus on LIFE and the endless opportunities it offers. Pain certainly plays havoc with emotions, but its main purpose is awareness; a warning to let us know action is required. Once we know this and have a plan, we can control (some) pain through lifestyle choices. Our sensory system can only handle so much information for accurate understanding. If we stay physically and mentally active with a sense of fun and accomplishment, we can block many pain sensory nerves effectively. A positive attitude translates into a better functioning system as well. Plan your wonderful trip and delight on all the joy it will bring. Continue to “boogey” dance and continue to focus on growing and developing as a person. All these ideas will help make life more fulfilling and strengthen your body in the process. Wishing you quietness and time to reflect on how much you offer life and how much life still has to offer you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Dr. J. for the great information – it helps me! When I was a much younger man, I was very negative and I learned to overcome that. I am positive in my life and I see things differently, but as you said the pain plays havoc on the emotions and I understand that. Today is better and tomorrow will be even better – the planning continues as well as the boogie. Have a great day my friend. 🙂

      Like

  6. Huge hugs my friend. Just remember soon all will be well, and you will recover and your happy journey begins. Time goes by so fast and soon you, Gary and Roxy will be on your happy adventure. Try stay positive, focus on the future. Sending happy thoughts and happy vibes 🙂 xxx

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you Lynne, yes time goes by so very fast and I know this time will soon be a memory. I still believe everything happens for a reason, that is the way I look at it – what can I learn from what is taking place today. Thanks for always reading and commenting – truly appreciate you! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Oh, Terry, I wish you weren’t in such pain. It was lovely that your Mom comforted you and I hope all your followers are doing the same. During my time away, I must have missed the blog when you went to the surgeon again. I am guessing that the cancer is still there and you need further surgery. Whilst I look on your blog, I am sending the usual fairy dust, kisses and hugs. I hope that the next surgery gives you some respite. Last night I was dreaming of us dancing together – maybe it’s a premonition of better days to come? K xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you dear Kerry, I also do hope the next surgery gives me much more respite. Each passing day it is becoming more uncomfortable for me. I appreciate the fairy dust, kisses and hugs – they all feel good! I am glad you were dreaming about dancing with me – I certainly was in no mood to dance last night! LOL, I appreciate you – have a happy weekend. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Oh I am so sorry you are experiencing this pain, but I am glad you are surrounded by love. You will get through this I’m sure. Meantime, I’m sending hugs and all the positive energy I can parcel up and send around the world to you. Su.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Sending you lots of positive thoughts for the present challenges you face and the health-full and joyful future you are heading towards. Btw: do you know Dr Joe Dispenza? I find his work to be amazing. Just a thought if you feel inspired to look him up. Love & blessings, Sam 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Bad nights in pain are Bad !
    But with the shower of affection and understanding going around here , and all the prayers , good thoughts , and hugs sent your way I want to believe you’re feeling a bit better by now 🙂
    With your attitude and these friends you will overcome these hurdles sent your way
    Turtle Hugs

    Liked by 2 people

      • Yes, dear turtle, I do understand! Thanks to you and others, I certainly have many good thoughts coming my way. I am better today and know all will be fine soon. Until the surgery, there will be good days and bad, but that is okay, I learn from the bad ones. Appreciate you stopping by today – happy day my friend! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  11. Terry, I am so sorry your nights are full of pain. It’s so hard to think clearly or remain upbeat when exhaustion sets in… but yet, here you are- positive and keeping your eye on the prize, better days ahead full of travel and adventure. Thinking of you and sending lots of hugs your way! xo

    Liked by 3 people

  12. What a shitty night! (please pardon my french, but it´s true! well, sort of anyway;) Keep strong, Terry, this will all pass and you´ll finally be living the life you´re now preparing for! I sent you tons of positive thoughts, energy and hugs and hope they will somehow help you through it!! xoxo ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  13. During the night it may have depressing as you are the one dealing with your health issues.At last the dawn. Thank you for sharing Terry so that your many friends can show you that we care about you and remind you that you make a difference to your family and many friends. We care about you, hang in there.

    Liked by 2 people

  14. I can’t do anything tangible but I can send you love. And i can mean from the bottom of my heart that you are an inspirational man, that you will get through this and that you will smile as you wave it goodbye. For now. Just close your eyes and feel the warmth I’m sending to Texas by way of a very helpful and extremely rare or even probably unique bird who told me he’d left something behind on his trek north earlier in the year. The thing he left behind was a little tinkle of laughter for you so he’s going to drop it off before he circles and comes back to my world ready to take you more if you need it. Love and light my friend. Namaste.

    Liked by 2 people

  15. Aw, I hate that your hurting….bad enough to hurt emotional, but to have the physical pain with it….just not fair….the first thing I would do is get rid of the clock…its only adding anxiety to an already anxious situation….you know its the middle of the night…you really don’t need to time your bladder…..yes its frequent but I believe that clock/time only add another layer of anxiety….so for now…ditch the digital….have you called your MD to see if he can give you something to calm the bladder down a little….take away the cramping and let him know that your comfort level is no longer tolerable…?? who knows there maybe something he can give you to relieve your pain…I know its sounds crazy….but deep breathing helps in time of high pain, high anxiety and just brings general comfort to your inner self….I know tell me to go jump in the pool…but it has helped me out of many anxious situation…I feel for you my friend…this is just a bump in the road to life and your going to come through this with a new release on life….hang in there my friend….sending you lots of peace and gentle hugs…..xxxxkat

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks dear for all the good advice! It was one of those nights that was really bad, not sure why it was so bad compared to other nights. I am hoping to have my surgery soon, hope to find out tomorrow – so I will just try to make it until then. I appreciate the peace and gentle hugs – they help. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  16. Sending positive and happy thoughts and vibes your way! Hopefully the surgery will ease the pain. I suffer from chronic pain and sometimes doing breathing exercises/ mindfulness can help even just to relax my mind and stop scary thoughts that come with the pain. Can your doctor give you anything for the pain? even on a temporary basis? Glad that you have a good support network in your mum, Gary and also from bloggers too.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you for the positive and happy thoughts and vibes! The surgery should make everything better. Honestly I do not really like taking anything for pain – that is a prescription. I did a few days after my last surgery and will again after the next surgery. This night I had here was to the extreme – my nights usually are not quite as bad. Thanks for your support – hope the weekend was good to you. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  17. This type of cancer is a tough battle. Have seen it in the family here. Stay strong and hang in there. Each day – no matter what type it is – is worth being there for. Seems like you only learn that late in life. Sending a laugh to have on hand whenyou need one…careful…they tend to multiply – like triffids or tribbles

    Liked by 2 people

    • Phil, thank you for the laugh, I certainly will keep it on hand! I appreciate your kind comment and also you following my blog. I will certainly go over and visit yours. I hope you have a happy day! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, I had a couple of very bad nights when I wrote this post. Honestly, I have not had a good nights sleep for almost 6 months now. I am up constantly and recently it has become worse. All will be okay soon, I should find out Monday when the next surgery is. Thanks for being concerned, I appreciate it, truly I do. Happy Wednesday! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  18. Hey Terry, call upon God. God made everything and is in charge of everything ask him to ease your pain and help you to be strong. God is strong when you are weak. Read the bible and ask for an encouraging quote that you can remember and use during difficult times like these. I’m
    Sorry to hear this, may God bless you greatly.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s