Last night was one of the worst nights I have had. I literally was up every hour to go to the bathroom. I looked at the clock each time and once an hour I went to pee. During the times I was not in the bathroom, my bladder was burning and my lower right back side was pounding with pain. During the times I was in the bathroom, I was peeing and was in pain during the process. I cried quite a bit last night, not because of the pain, but because I do not want this type of quality of life. Why now?
Things are looking good for Gary and I. The home is in the process of being sold and we are planning our not so distant travel adventure. I ask again, why now?
During my restless, painful and emotional night, I kept telling myself. PHAIN – Patience, Happiness And In the moment Now.
I do not want anyone feeling sorry for me because I am feeling what I am feeling at this moment.
Words of encouragement are always helpful – but not needed – but I do favor them.
Yesterday, I spoke with my mom on the phone about the status of me and my future. She knows I am awaiting surgery and as always she offers words of encouragement as she has always done. She said you will get through this and I have all my brothers praying for you. A tear came from my eye and I said “Thank You”. I told her, I am okay with the cancer and said “It is what it is.” I also told her that this was not my greatest challenge in my life. I told her I have already been through the greatest challenge in my life. “You remember mom, you were there with me during the dark years of depression, the suicide attempts, the physiatrist hospital, the tears, the self-doubt, the self-hating, the self-hurting, the having no reason to live – all those many, many years.” “That IS my biggest challenge in my life. And if I can make it through years and years of self-destruction and re-construction to be here today – I can and will get through what life wants to throw in my way.”
You see I know there are others that suffer more than I; both physically and mentally. I just have a little cancer on my bladder, that is it. Do I suffer as a result of it? Yes, I do.
I take responsibility of my cancer for I know I have and had bad habits in my life. But, I have no regrets. I cannot have regrets, only experiences and things I learned along the way in my life that brought me here today.
I will get through this, I will make more changes in my life to improve myself and improve my life.
I am down, sad, upset, but motivated. I may be broken, but I am not defeated.