Last Saturday morning, I voice recorded my thoughts. Here are those words –
It is early morning and I am exercising this morning. I am not going to stop exercising just because I have to have my bladder removed.
I made my mom cry the other day. It upset me that she was crying; she was crying because she knows I am going to go through a major surgery to have my bladder removed and some other organs removed, and that my life will be different. And, I guess as a parent we don’t like to see our child suffer; we don’t want to see our child struggle and we don’t want to see our child go through certain situations.
I have seen my mom cry before, but not like this. I saw her cry at the funeral of her mother, my grandmother; I saw her cry last year when her long term companion, her dog Fluffy died. This time it was different; she was crying because of me. And I am sure my mom has cried before for me, about me – but not in front of me. She has always shown strength, always shown courage.
I talked with my mom a couple of weeks ago about this upcoming surgery, the most recent one; and I had told her, I said this is not the end, I feel it, I just know there is more to come. And I told her also that I will get through it because this is not my greatest battle, my greatest battle has already occurred. It was that depression, that great depression within me, about me that wanted to bring me down, wanted to end my life, kill me, destroy me – and I battled back, I found the strength and courage and I won that battle. I overcame that which wanted to beat me down to nothing.
And so, since then I have had battles to fight, obstacles to overcome and received scars along the way; I overcame, I fought through, to move forward – that to which I do every day. So this battle, this next war; it’s not going to stop me, it’s not going to defeat me, it’s not going to make me weak – not mentally, physically I may have some things to overcome, some struggles to deal with that I have never dealt with before. But you know what, it is not going to bring me down, not going to defeat me, not going to be the end of me.
Maybe all those scars of battle that I have received throughout my lifetime are just reminders of the strength and courage and the will to overcome. The will to be better, the will to survive and the will to move forward. This is just another obstacle, another war, another battle; the one maybe for all my life I have been preparing for. And that is what I am going to do.
It is not the end of the world and it is not the end of me.
There is still more to come.