my life right now

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In my post ‘Good things require work‘, I wrote the following –

My nights are increasing in the lack of sleep I am receiving due to pain and discomfort, and I wake every morning tired, feeling lifeless with spirits down.  These difficult nights, the lower right back pain and the burning bladder are all taking a toll on my body and my emotions.

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In today’s post I write the following –

The sleepless nights are starting to hit me hard.  I think I am averaging about 4 hours of sleep a night, along with the pain.  The burning in my bladder is persistent and when I pee no matter night or day, the burning shoots from my bladder to my right kidney.  Upon waking in the mornings, I try to do a little stretching to help reduce the pain in my lower back.  The stretching does help my back feel better at times and other times it does not.  I cry about this new way of life I am experiencing.  The quality of life and the lack of happiness and lack of enthusiasm I have right now results in no motivation; results in nothingness from me.

I am just existing and accepting life as it is.  I keep telling myself, my life will be different several months from now and I believe it will.  But I also believe I will experience worse before I experience better.

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I try to remain optimistic, without being too pessimistic; I struggle every day because I need comfort that I am not receiving.  I am unsure exactly what that comfort is.  I talk with my mom and my dad and my sister and I tell them how I am feeling and Gary knows I experience pain every day.

I don’t know if I am wanting compassion, or comfort or something else that I am not currently receiving.  Part of me does not desire these things because I do not want people to really know how I am feeling.  I am just pretending to other people; telling them I am not feeling too bad, when in reality I am.  I am honestly miserable; I just hate the quality of my life right now.

The departing of ways with Dr. F. and the appointments in the future leave me with my own difficulties to deal with at this time.  I recently decided I needed to take medication that would help me and help my present life be better.  I hate taking medication, and I have always especially stayed away from pain medications.  But, I feel I have come to needing to take some type of medication at this time.

A couple of days ago, I started taking OTC medication for urinary pain relief and it has brought some relief.

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Mid-day I am taking an anti-inflammatory and evenings prior to bedtime I take a mild muscle relaxer.  These mild medications are allowing me some comfort in reducing pain and helping me to sleep a little better.

This is my life right now.

55 thoughts on “my life right now”

  1. Oh, Terry, my heart goes out to you right now with all of these troubles. But your underlying good attitude comes through with this post, even as the considerable pain you are feeling does as well. As always, you are in our thoughts here and we hope that you find the relief you need and deserve soon.

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    • Thanks David for the comment and support. I try not to do too many of these ‘downer’ posts, but I also do not want to pretend all is joyous in my life. I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment, it means a great deal to me my friend! 🙂

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  4. Terry you really are dealing with this whole situation like a champ. Seriously, you may not think so, but you are. Who on earth can go through what you go through 24/7 and be happy go lucky 24/7 as if there was not a care in the world. What you are feeling is understandable surely. This has been a massive turn of events for you, sleep deprived, pain, anxiety…and so on. Please allow yourself to feel as you are feeling. I just hope and pray that soon after your next op, and after recovery, all will be well and you will be feeling like yourself once again. Hugs my friend. x

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  7. I look forward to your blog each and every day – it makes no difference whether you’re dancing, posting music that makes me want to dance or simply posting about your life, I always look forward to reading your words! I’m sending you healing thoughts and feel good vibes 🙂

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    • Thank you Molli, I truly appreciate YOU! It is comforting to know, no matter what I post, there are those that remain interested – even when I publish a ‘downer’ post. Happy Friday! P.S. I always enjoy stopping by to see your photos each day – I think they are amazing! 🙂

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  9. I’m so sorry that you’re so uncomfortable and in pain, Terry. I hope that with the upcoming surgery it brings much pain relief. While you may not like taking medication, if it helps you get some sleep at night and relieves the discomfort somewhat, then you need to take it, for the spirit. Hang in there… I hope relief is coming to you soon!

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    • Thanks Paula, I find comfort in comments from friends such as yourself. I agree I should take the medications just for my spirit. I am tired and becoming a little down, and this is not good right now. I did sleep better last night and hope there are more decent nights to come. Thank you for being my friend and for caring – I truly appreciate you. 🙂

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  10. Our bodies (and our minds) need good quality sleep to function well and even more so when we are dealing with illness and pain and recovery . But you know that , and it was a good move of you to find that medication to help you have a little better sleep and less pain . You do need that now , use it . It’s not giving in or becoming dependent , it’s doing what is best right now and getting you in a better shape to deal with your next surgery and treatments .
    Turtle Hugs (wish I could really hug you and make you feel better 😦 )

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    • Thank you dear turtle for a wonderful encouraging and honest comment. You are correct – I am not giving in or becoming dependent (which is what I am concerned about) – it will be short time – to get me through this difficult time. Thanks for your concern and support – I appreciate you taking the time to comment. Happy day my friend! 🙂

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  12. Hi Terry, I’m catching up on your posts because lately I wasn’t as ‘online’ as I usually am. But I still keep you in my thoughts everyday and I do often ask myself “I wonder how Terry’s doing today”. It’s perfectly OK to feel down and sad, and how can you not feel that way? But you’re a fighter and such a marvellous person, and please know that you’re an inspiration to so many people. We are with you my friend xxx

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  14. To be honest… I think everybody knows that your pain is much worse than you admit it here, and we all respect your wish to give us the impression that it´s not as tough as it is by accepting it as what it truly is: seeing you handling a situation that is nearly impossible to handle and doing an awesome job at it! Of course you need medication, and there´s no harm giving into that. The opposite is true: if you would deny yourself the help that is offered, something would be terribly wrong. And there´s nothing wrong in feeling bad about this whole situation. Pain is a dominating feeling – no one can hide from it and the thing you most want is not only comfort, but to be rid of the pain. Sadly we can not give you the latter but only try our best to keep you company this way… Please know that you´re in my thoughts every day! The only thing that can give you a little comfort is knowing that it will be better soon, the time it takes is of course hell, but you´re strong and I know you´ll make it!!!

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    • Sarah, your words are comforting and I certainly appreciate them. I debate with myself sometimes if I want to publish these types of posts. Part of me does not want to – but then I remind myself why I started this blog and decide to go ahead and publish. I appreciate your support and your company – that is medicine in its self! 🙂

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      • I think you definitely should publish these types of posts: they are a significant part of who you are and hopefully help you at the same time to get through this most difficult time. Life is not always sunshine, although we all wish it were. Hollywood for example tends to let us think it is or should be, but that´s just one big lie… It´s important to tell people of the good things in your life as well as of the bad – it composes the whole picture of your person, if you don´t mind the comparison 😉 Keep writing these posts as long as you have the need to do so!!! We will be here for you!!! Have a beautiful – and as much painfree as possible – sunday, my friend! xxx

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  15. Terry, you are walking a very lonely walk. But know that you are not alone. When you are in pain like this it is easy to lose hope and feel discouraged. It is easy to forget what feeling normal is like or that you will ever feel normal again. But you can and you will! The past doesn’t define our future anymore than the present does.This is a time of great trial for you, but it in no way defines you or your future. You are AMAZING!

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  16. Sending Healing thoughts, and it is ok to seek comfort and compassion Terry.. I know how it was to be full of pain and no sleep.. Thankfully that has now past.. So my heart goes out to you Terry.. and I hope the meds kick in and help create more relief .. x Sue

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  17. Hi Terry. I have missed your posts for a few days because I have been hibernating. To be honest, I am really shocked that you have not being taking some pain relief. If I had known I would have given you a virtual smack. I completely understand why you don’t like taking medication – I feel exactly the same and have a drawer full of medication that I started but didn’t take. You and I have many characteristics in common. You smoked until the day you discovered you had cancer and then didn’t take the basic pain relief! I am really glad that it is giving you some relief but if only you had taken them sooner… I helped my friend through a battle with stage 4 cancer and she felt like you about medication but eventually had to relent because life wasn’t worth living in that physical and mental pain. During chemo, we discussed small doses of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. She finally decided to take them, on her surgeon’s advice, and the difference was remarkable. Suddenly she was back to her old self, feeling optimistic. I am so glad that the medication has helped you.

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    • I am glad you understand about the feelings toward medication, most people do not. I have had many others tell me – take something! I finally am taking mild medication, and it is helping some. Will see what the future holds concerning pain and what I will do about reliving it. But for now, I am better able to deal with it. Thanks Kerry, I appreciate your input! 🙂

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      • I wish we lived closer to each other so that you could have given me a smack last week. 🙂 Against my better judgment I let the OB-GYN prescribe an HRT. Despite her knowing my full medical history it was contraindicated for depression and exposure to sunlight which I need to get Vitamin D. I paid $90 for one month’s supply and took one which instantly upset my tummy…
        It is always a fine balance – I had to take antibiotics daily for 2 years to prevent frequent UTIs and also AZO for painful urination. They both worked really well in small doses. Hugs xx

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