In my post ‘Good things require work‘, I wrote the following –
My nights are increasing in the lack of sleep I am receiving due to pain and discomfort, and I wake every morning tired, feeling lifeless with spirits down. These difficult nights, the lower right back pain and the burning bladder are all taking a toll on my body and my emotions.
In today’s post I write the following –
The sleepless nights are starting to hit me hard. I think I am averaging about 4 hours of sleep a night, along with the pain. The burning in my bladder is persistent and when I pee no matter night or day, the burning shoots from my bladder to my right kidney. Upon waking in the mornings, I try to do a little stretching to help reduce the pain in my lower back. The stretching does help my back feel better at times and other times it does not. I cry about this new way of life I am experiencing. The quality of life and the lack of happiness and lack of enthusiasm I have right now results in no motivation; results in nothingness from me.
I am just existing and accepting life as it is. I keep telling myself, my life will be different several months from now and I believe it will. But I also believe I will experience worse before I experience better.
I try to remain optimistic, without being too pessimistic; I struggle every day because I need comfort that I am not receiving. I am unsure exactly what that comfort is. I talk with my mom and my dad and my sister and I tell them how I am feeling and Gary knows I experience pain every day.
I don’t know if I am wanting compassion, or comfort or something else that I am not currently receiving. Part of me does not desire these things because I do not want people to really know how I am feeling. I am just pretending to other people; telling them I am not feeling too bad, when in reality I am. I am honestly miserable; I just hate the quality of my life right now.
The departing of ways with Dr. F. and the appointments in the future leave me with my own difficulties to deal with at this time. I recently decided I needed to take medication that would help me and help my present life be better. I hate taking medication, and I have always especially stayed away from pain medications. But, I feel I have come to needing to take some type of medication at this time.
A couple of days ago, I started taking OTC medication for urinary pain relief and it has brought some relief.
Mid-day I am taking an anti-inflammatory and evenings prior to bedtime I take a mild muscle relaxer. These mild medications are allowing me some comfort in reducing pain and helping me to sleep a little better.
This is my life right now.