love is in the trying

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A couple of weeks ago I published a post ‘School of Hard Knocks‘, for which I received many comments.  One of those comments was from Amanda Ricks and she wrote the following –

It is very hard at times to separate our own guilt over perceived past inadequacy as a parent and letting our kids have and work on their own stuff. i can relate. Just remember, “love is in the trying.” You always have tried your best and still are and that’s what counts.

I replied with the following –

Amanda, thank you for a very thought provoking comment – I mean that in a very good way. I never thought about it this way “love is in the trying”, this is a phrase I certainly will remember. Thank you for reading and commenting, always appreciated!

The babycenter.com website has an article titled ‘Sweet age-by-age ways to show your love to your child’ that begins with the following –

A $10,000 birthday party? Nah… Making children feel loved and special can be as simple as rolling around on the floor with them! Read on to find age-by-age suggestions.

The article’s suggestions to show you love your child only goes to age 8 years old.  Okay, that is fine, but what about after age 8 and beyond; in their 30s, you know adults!

Many of you know, I divorced when my sons were very young.  Son #3 was about 3 years old and the other two would be 5 years and 7 years old.  I was out of their lives fulltime at a very young age and since that time have tried to prove my love for them, to them in many different ways.  I have had internal struggles with myself and I have reinforced myself time after time that I did the best I could with the circumstances.  I feel at times my sons do not really care about me, they tell me they love me and I tell them I love them – I always have – since they were little babies.

I have tried to prove my love for them.  There was the showing of affection, the providing comfort, the gifts, the vacations and the financial assistance.  But as Amanda indicates in her comment, “love is in the trying”.

I think one day they may realize I tried to be a good dad and tried to prove my love to them.

You know I have cancer and have done plenty of research.  My hope someday before my time is up, whether it be near or far, I hear those words “Thanks dad”.

When I was younger my dad did not show affection, did not provide comfort, gave few gifts, few vacations and no financial assistance.  A couple of weeks ago I had a conversation with him and after we talked about my next surgery, he indicated he tried to be a good dad to me.  I responded you were and you are the best dad; you have taught me many good things.

I realize now, his love ‘was in the trying’.

72 thoughts on “love is in the trying”

  2. Wise words from Amanda. I think most of us wish our parents had behaved differently towards us, and with hindsight, that we might behave differently towards our kids. But love IS in the trying; and also in listening to each other, and trying different things in response. Thanks for the S&G; nice soundtrack to my insomnia tonight.

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  3. Sadly, nobody gives us a step by step guide for parenting, and it is the hardest and biggest job we ever face in life, I think our children truly see us, when they become parents, that is when they truly see what it is all about, and come to understand us in another light, the problem for us, is we have to wait a long time, but if you know in your heart that you have done everything you can,(and I think you have one of the biggest hearts) you as a person can sleep well,use the Law of Acceptance, you don’t have to agree, just accept and enjoy your life, it’s yours, x

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  4. You’ve gone and made me cry with that one Terry. Because it is absolutely true that parenting is the hardest and most thankless of jobs much of the time. I balance that with the fact that the girls didn’t actually ask to be conceived and born, let alone to a barking mad bonkers mother and no father. But you are right – your love, as your father’s IS in the trying. You can only do your best and I hold firm to the notion as I have done all along that those boys of yours will pop up just when you are least expecting it and utter the words you crave. Hang in their, my friend – the lyrics of the song say what I and all your friends feel. French hugs to you and may your day have sunshine enough for you.

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    • Osyth, you always have the right words in your response. I guess as parents we all do our best. I will continue to carry on and one day hope that those words are spoken. Thanks dear for the hugs, they are always appreciated! 🙂

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  9. I was just about to schedule my tweets for the day and I saw your post, “Love Is In The Trying.” I immediately left my scheduling and came to read it. I have happy tears for so many reasons. Being able to share a bit of wisdom and see it make a difference for someone else and help them in their life just makes everything good and right. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. Paying it forward.
    Yes, you will one day hear that you were and are a great Dad and how your trying made a huge difference. If they don’t spontaneously tell you, then ask, like your Dad did. Kids forget to tell us sometimes, not because it isn’t true but because they think for some reason we automatically know.
    Thank you for making my little comment into such a wonderful wise post to share. I’m going to reblog it. Hope that’s okay. xxx

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    • Thank you Amanda, for an amazing comment, that brought a great deal of meaning to me. I was hoping you wouldn’t mind me using it in a post! And you are correct, this is the way it’s support to be – making a difference – your comment did for me. No problem on the reblog – thank you! 🙂

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  10. Reblogged this on Amanda's Lives and commented:
    Bless his heart, Dear Terry of Spearfruit has written the most touching and beautiful post that relates to a comment I made to him in a comment. I told him that ‘Love is in the trying” when it comes to our children and how we have to let go of our guilt.
    Please visit his amazing blog for lots of incredible and insightful posts.

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  12. It is all in the trying…such a beautiful concept, and a thoughtful comment and response. Loved this one, Terry. Hope you absorb the message. ❤️ Most do the best that they know how to do. And that really matters in the end.

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    • Thank you Van, I agree with you – what matters is in the end. I did not realize I was showing my love by just trying to be a good dad. This statement makes a big difference for me. Thanks for the comment, always appreciated – have a nice weekend. 🙂

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  14. Such a heartfelt post terry. Your boys will understand – if they don’t already We each need our own time and way to deal with things. Keep on doing your best. That is all you can do. And I agree. Love IS in the trying. love is an act. It can only be what we are and how we do it. Xo

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  16. Pingback: love is in the trying | Amanda's Lives

  18. Pingback: love is in the trying – Surprising Lives

  20. Dear Terry , I think I have told you this before in an older post . you did the best you could do at the time ; as they keep growing and having their own little families they will understand things much better and they will be able to show you that they feel your love and love you too . Just hang in there 🙂
    And somewhere between your longing for the affection from your sons and the sounds of “the bridge” you had me crying buckets 😦 for which I thank you 🙂 as I am all unclogged now , and I kind of needed it .
    Turtle Hugs

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  21. Love IS in the trying ! what true words. It really is, if we think of it, in every which way. We as parents can only do our best which you do and are always doing. My hope is that you do hear those words ‘thank you dad’. Hope you are feeling better today, and have a wonderful day 🙂

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  24. This was a beautifully written post from your heart Terry and it brought tears to sting at my eyes.. You know, I am sure your Son’s love you.. and sometimes the hardest part is in just saying it.. We all of us can only try our best and from where I sit.. You are doing more than your best in showing your family you care..
    Love and Blessings Sue

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  25. Terry, you need to give yourself a break. You had no intention of causing your sons’ distress by a young divorce. Anyone can read from your blogs that you loved your wife, wanted a loving family but you have to be your authentic self. None of this was easy back in the 70s and 80s. I am sure that your sons do love you just as you do with your father. Were you as loving, to your father, as you might have been when you were your sons’ ages? I have some regret for rejecting my father, especially when he died shortly afterwards, but he did not try hard enough to love me. When your children are your age, and their children have grown, then they will see the whole picture. In the meantime, soak in all the love from your mom, dad, husband and sister, not least your followers.

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