Monthly Archives: September 2016

6 weeks remaining

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In my post ‘The Fights Continue‘, I concluded with the following –

As you can see last week was filled with many different events taking place with regards to my health.  This week will be slower with events, just chemo later in the week.  The antibiotics that were started via IV in the hospital I continue to take via pill form for several more days.

Infection continues to be fought – Cancer continues to be fought – I continue to fight.

I hope everyone has a great week, I appreciate each and every one of you, truly I do.

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In today’s post, I begin with the following –

The last of the antibiotics via pill form were taken last week and the fight against cancer continues.

The last chemotherapy treatment of my 2nd cycle took place last week and this week is my ‘off’ week.

What are my feelings concerning the past 6 weeks of my chemotherapy?

I am half way through my chemotherapy treatment for my cancer and find it amazing that my body is responding well with regards to side-affects.  I have had no nausea and have maintained a good appetite.  I continue to have hair and actually had to get my hair cut last week.  Basically the only major effect of the chemotherapy is tiredness and fatigue.  My energy level is non-existent and I require much rest and sleep.  I do not assume this is the norm and keep in mind that my somewhat positive response to side-affects could possibly be different with the next cycles.

In my post ‘I would like to be just away‘, I wrote the following –

Days after chemotherapy I spend in bed, resting and sleeping, for hours and hours never wanting to be in touch with reality.  I just want to be left alone in my solace and away from everything and everyone.  I find no comfort in life, in family, in anything as I once did.  This body, this person that is me now, is different and that other me is gone, buried and I do not know if he is still alive.

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In today’s post, I conclude with the following –

What are my expectations for the next 6 weeks remaining of my chemotherapy?

As the weeks continue and I arrive closer to my end date with chemotherapy, I attempt to remain optimistic and realistic.  As the weeks continue and arrive close to my end date with chemotherapy, I will have conversations with my Urologist and Oncologist concerning the next steps in my treatment, care and road to a healthier life.  Let me remind you that once chemotherapy is completed, I still face the very real possibility of a major surgery.

As the weeks continue and I arrive closer to my end date with chemotherapy, I am making uncertain plans to visit my family for Thanksgiving.  I am unsure if the Thanksgiving plans will take place and sometimes really do not care if they come to be; but I make plans anyway for a trip back to Texas to spend time around this holiday with my family.

As the weeks continue and I arrive closer to my end date with chemotherapy, I look ahead to unknowns that soon will reveal themselves to me.  Uncertainties will soon be certainties.  Questions will be replaced with answers.

Me (2)

I would like to be just away

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In my post ‘Where is me?‘, I wrote the following  –

Where am I?

Where is me?

I am there somewhere deep inside being attached and weakened.  I am there somewhere, for I cry in despair at what I am now, what I have become.

In today’s post, I write the following –

Two weeks ago, I wrote that post while sitting in a hospital room fighting an infection.  I no longer sit in that hospital room but instead have removed myself from life and place myself in a room by myself alone not to be bothered.  I continue to be angry, I continue to be hateful, I continue just to exist, I continue to want to die.  I am weak right now and cancer is pushing me further into a depth of despair and misery and I am letting it.

I write posts though at times my motivation is lacking and I just feel like doing nothing – quitting and giving up.  Somehow I do write posts and I receive comments that I am inspirational.  Believe me, I do not feel inspirational, but instead hopeless and a failure, a loss cause.  I really do not want to be amongst the living as I am drained with energy.  My energy is absent because chemotherapy has stolen it and my body now feels lifeless.

Days after chemotherapy I spend in bed, resting and sleeping, for hours and hours never wanting to be in touch with reality.  I just want to be left alone in my solace and away from everything and everyone.  I find no comfort in life, in family, in anything as I once did.  This body, this person that is me now, is different and that other me is gone, buried and I do not know if he is still alive.

Many of my posts I end it with that picture of me.  You know which one I am referring to, that happy me – that is me no longer.  Have you realized it has been quite a while since I made a video of me, why is that?  I do not want you to see me now, for I have changed.  That picture of me is no longer, for I have changed.  The tan is gone, the smile is gone, the happier man is gone, it is me no longer.  The picture is now replaced with a man who is unhappy and angry; a man who is tired and worn down, and a man who is just existing.

Existing for what?

Honestly I do not know at this time at this moment, I do not want to be here amongst the living.  I would like to be away from all this; the cancer, the chemotherapy, the pills, the doctor visits.  I would like to be away from the fatigued man I have become; the man with no desires and no motivations.

I would like to be just away.

Roxie Boogie

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Hello everyone, this post is a Video Log post related to Boogie Blogging.

What is Boogie Blogging – dancing, moving to music, making a fool of myself, creating laugher within you.

I like to dance and I like to move; movement is good for all of us.  Why not have fun while we are moving?

It you like the music with my videos, you are welcome to get up and move or dance with me!

Let loose, let’s have fun, let’s do some Boogie Blogging.

 

Boogie Blogging with Roxy on the beach –

‘I have been there, done that’

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Over the past couple of months, I have had mixed emotions at times when dealing with my current health situation.  Immediately prior to starting chemotherapy, I had anxiety and concern and I knew this was okay and to be expected.

As I continued through these past weeks with my emotions very often one of strength and positivity, I have written about my journey so far with my cancer, my treatment and the possible future.  I do not want to leave anything out, it will all be here; the good and the bad, the weak and the strong, it will all be here.

This blog is about my life.  My life right now is cancer and I am making a big deal out of it.  But many people on this world have cancer, so why is mine any more important than theirs?  I tell myself at times others that have experienced cancer or know someone that has; well maybe are thinking in their minds that I overdo my emotions, my thinking or reactions.

I tell myself, those others who know cancer may have the thinking “I have been there, done that”, and maybe those other people know more than I and therefore “he (meaning me), overreacts”.  My point is I am dealing with my cancer the best I can, that which is me and a part of me – with what I have learned up to this point.  It is my life.  I read other blog posts with people writing about their struggles and I tell myself, “I have been there, done that.”  And I could respond with my personal experience or ‘tips’, ‘suggestions’, or the ‘solution’ to their problem – like I really know the answer to their struggles!

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I do feel that it is my responsibility as a reader to read what the writer is putting down in print that which is their thinking, their feelings, their emotions and their life.  This is what I am doing here.

From cancer.net –

This year, an estimated 76,960 adults (58,950 men and 18,010 women) will be diagnosed with bladder cancer in the United States. Among men, bladder cancer is the fourth most common cancer. It is estimated that 16,390 deaths (11,820 men and 4,570 women) from this disease will occur this year.

From cancer.org –

About half of all bladder cancers are first found while the cancer is still confined to the inner layer of the bladder wall. (These are called non-invasive or in situ cancers.) About 1 in 3 bladder cancers have invaded into deeper layers but are still only in the bladder. In most of the remaining cases, the cancer has spread to nearby tissues or lymph nodes outside the bladder. Rarely (in about 4% of cases), it has spread to distant parts of the body.

My cancer is Stage 4 bladder cancer and I know the statistics.

This blog is about my life.  My life right now is cancer and I am making a big deal out of it.  But many people on this world have cancer, so why is mine more important than theirs?

MakeItUltra™Blogger Award

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I was nominated for the MakeItUltra™Blogger Award by one of my favorite fellow bloggers and friend Kerry over at Postcards from Kerry.

Kerry is a storyteller of her life, her travels, a funny entertaining person and certainly a flirt.  Please take time to visit her blog, you will not be disappointed.

 

The MakeItUltra™ Blogger Award is an award given to bloggers by bloggers for quality content, originality and presentation. The intention of this award is to encourage connectivity and support in the blogging community and to increase exposure for individual bloggers.

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The Rules:

If you have been nominated for the MakeItUltra™ Blogger Award and choose to accept it, write a blog post about the MakeItUltra™ Blogger Award in which you:

– Thank the person who nominated you and post a link to their blog on your blog. Take a moment to positively promote the person who nominated you.

– Display the award on your blog by adding it to your post and/or displaying it using a widget on your page (Save the image to your computer and upload it to your blog post). Don’t forget to use the tag #MyUltraAward when you make your post!

– Answer the following MakeItUltra™ Blogger Award questions.

 

The Questions:

– What is your name?

Terry, that is all I am providing as it took almost a year to reveal just my first name.  I need some sense of privacy in my life even though it is my life this blog is about.

– Where are you from?

I was born in Texas and lived there all my life until my recent move here to Florida about 7 weeks ago.

– How long have you been blogging and why did you start?

A little over 16 months ago was the beginning of my blog.  I started because I felt a need to record my life in writing; a book was my choice, though I do not know where to start with that – so this blog was born.

– What are you most proud of?

I am proud of many things; me overcoming a major depression in my twenties, my sons, my husband, but most of all – my ability to get up each and every day to fight the struggles that at times want to defeat me.

– What are your blogging goals?

When I started my blog, my original goals were to post every single day and to reveal this blog to my family after 1 year of its existence.  I achieved my goal for the first year to post every day and made this a goal again for another year.  My goal to reveal this blog to my family has not happened yet.  Why?  I am still scared to reveal many parts of me to my family, it is easy to reveal me to you, but to my family I feel a sense that they may be disappointed in me.

– How do you spend your free time?

Currently I spend my free time writing posts, reading other blogger’s posts, resting quite a bit – especially the days after chemo and taking walks when I feel the energy.

 

Nominate 1-8 blogs that you feel deserve the award and provide links.

Just as Kerry did, I am nominating just one person.  I have many wonderful followers and I appreciate each and every one of you.  I have nominated many of you for other awards and try to spread the awards around as much as I can.  So my choice is a lady who I feel I have a connection with in a cosmic sort of way.  I nominate my friend Osyth over at Half Baked in Paradise.

Once again, thank you Kerry for this nomination – you are my #1 girlfriend!

WP, I have to vent!

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Can I be honest?

I always have been and will be honest here on my blog.  This blog is about me and my life and I try to keep my personal opinions about other ‘things’ from being revealed here.

But lately more accurately the past couple of months, WordPress has not been behaving favorable toward me.  WP, I have to vent.

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Can I be honest?

I do view my Stats every single day because I post every single day.  I log into my WP account and there in plain view are my Stats.  Interesting thing about Stats; they can have an impact on people at times.  I will not lie, they do have an impact on me some days, and other days they do not.  So then why am I writing a post about WP so I can vent?

I post every single day because it is a personal goal of mine.  I have other things I can do, but at this time in my life I am limited to certain activities for health reasons.  My planned travel adventures are on hold for a while and though I am parked in one spot for the unforeseen future, I limit myself to visiting places of interest.  I did this several weeks ago and ended up with a high temperature and in the hospital for 3 days.

I could take up crocheting, painting or another hobby that would entertain me and allow the creative side of me to be expressed.  But instead I write blog posts, which in turn brings much more back to me than I put into it.

Can I be honest?

WP, I am upset with you and I have to vent.  I post every day and for the past couple of months you decide that not all my posts will be displayed in your Reader.  Why is this?  I have researched the Support site and know about tags and categories and I have attempted to make changes per Support to fix this issue, but to no avail.  I know instantly when my posts are NOT displayed in the Reader because of those Stats.  Yes, I know, I know it is not all about Stats, but they do have an impact on me.  Why?

I do not use the Reader; I elected to receive an email when fellow bloggers publish a post, this is what works best for me.  But I realize that does not work best for others and they rely on the Reader for new posts.  Because WP is not always displaying my posts in the Reader, those Stats are looking unfavorably for me.

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I put great effort into writing posts; my heart, my soul, my emotions, my cancer and my life.  Blogging is MY hobby at this time in MY life and is important to ME.  I understand other bloggers and readers have busy lives and it is not always about me.  But WP, you need to give them the opportunity to decide if they want to read my posts or not.  You have on many occasions taken this opportunity away from them.

Can I be honest?

WP, I have to vent!

There are times I ask myself “Why waste my time writing and blogging?”  “WordPress does not care what I am posting, why should they care?”  “WordPress is free, and I should not be upset that many of my posts are not displaying in the Reader.”  “I am upset and at times just want to quit and delete this account.”

If this post is displayed in the Reader today and you read this, I have a question for you.  Have you encountered this issue before?  I am opened to your ideas and suggestions.

The Versatile Blogger Award

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Thank you very much Laurel over at My Journey Into Darkness/The Story Of A Life Wasted With A Lying, Cheating, Disease-Giving, Narcissistic Husband who nominated me for this award.  Okay let’s be honest here, if the name of her blog does not prompt you to go visit, then in Laurel’s own words maybe this will “unapologetic curse words, snarky remarks, biting humor, telling it like it is and roaring while you do it!”  Please go visit her, you will not be disappointed, she is kind and understanding and open, I think she is anyway.

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THE RULES:

– Display the award on your blog.

– Thank the person who nominated you.

– Share 7 facts about yourself.

– Nominate up to 15 bloggers for the award.

 

SEVEN FACTS ABOUT ME:

For each award I receive that ask me to give facts about myself, what do I do?  I respond by writing everything you know about me is here somewhere in a post.  So my usual response is to refer you to a past post and if you are interested you can read more about me.

1946 – 1964

That’s Stupid Definition

The White Picket Fence

Shackles & Chains

I was living in a rich man’s world

A Team Player

Small Fear of Water

 

MY NOMINEES:

– Tony over at sonofabeach96

– Sarah over at Travels with Choppy

– Tony over at The Tony Burgess Blog

– Maniparna over at Scattered Thoughts

– Yinglan over at THIS IS ANOTHER STORY

 

My fellow bloggers no need to participate if you are not interested – I understand.

Thank you again Laurel, I appreciate you and I appreciate the nomination.

those around me

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I sit, I wait, I watch, I ponder, I accept, I acknowledge and then I realize it does not discriminate.

I sit for hours taking in those around me.  I sit for hours viewing those near to me.

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I have written previous posts about them; here are excerpts from those posts –

What is his story? –

The homeless man at the same intersection every day is living with some sort of meaning and reason to carry on. He does not appear to be unhappy and occasionally I see him eating food.

I likely will never know, but whatever his misfortunes, he reminds me that no matter the environment, the struggles and challenges, there is still a reason to live and a reason to carry on.

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Easy to Label, Easy to Judge –

I don’t know about you, but it is easy for me to label and judge people.  I see a news story with an interview taking place about some controversy and I label the person and then I judge.  It is easy to do, but much more difficult to not do!

I think I label and judge because of my opinions, beliefs and views on different aspects of life.  I do not like to be labeled and I certainly do not like to be judged by others – so, I should not label and judge others, but it is so easy to do.

Other people’s stories –

We all have a story; successes, misfortunes, missed opportunities, lack of love, love from the right person, a broken relationship, a job loss, a family/friend loss, a birth, an illness, the list goes on.  The stories of our lives make us who we are and what we are.  Whether a brief encounter or just people watching, I wonder what people’s stories are.

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Today their stories are important to them, but it still does not discriminate.

Today my story is important to me, but it still does not discriminate.

Among those aspects of our own stories that make us different are similarities that make us the same.

The body, no matter the color of the skin, the size or shape, or the smooth skin, lines, wrinkles, color of eyes, no matter our appearance – there are similarities that make us the same.

Down inside are the organs, the sustaining parts of us, that bring breath, and life.  The body that which is us and sustains us will someday be the death of us.  Cancer knows this and it will not discriminate against anyone.  Young, old; physically fit, feeble, it does not matter.

I sit, I wait, I watch, I ponder, I accept, I acknowledge and then I realize cancer does not discriminate.

There are black, white, young and old; a man wearing a dress shirt and tie, the stately woman and the tougher looking guy. Then there is the woman with the pink hair, the majestic woman needing a little extra help, the chatty lady next to me and the young man across from me.

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Today I sit for hours taking in those around me.  Today I sit for hours viewing those near to me.  Today I sit for hours receiving chemotherapy amongst others; those around me.

Spirit Animal Award Nomination

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Recently, well over a month ago; Jennie from A Teacher’s Reflections nominated me for the Spirit Animal Award Nomination.  Jennie is a 30 years plus school teacher to preschool kids.  And from the posts I read on her blog, I know she is the best teacher those kids can have.  Please take time to visit her blog and Jennie I apologize for taking so long to respond, that is not the usual me, but then I am not in my usual state of mine recently.

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The rules of the award:

– Thank the blogger who nominated you, and link back to his/her blog.

– Post the award picture on your blog.

– Write a short paragraph about your blog and what it means to you.

– Answer this question: if you could be any animal, what would it be?

– Choose and notify ten nominees

 

What does my blog mean to me?

This blog at this time in my life is so much more than I would have ever expected.  I started my blog a little over 16 months ago for reasons of non-other than to write about my life; where I had been, what is occurring today, where am I going into the future.  That was it, nothing really special in that I am just an ordinary person living an ordinary life.  Over the past year as you know life threw me a curveball, an unexpected event that would lead me through a journey with cancer.  This blog now is an important part of my support that I have from you; my supporters, my cheering section, my shoulders to cry on, my rocks of faith.  In the past couple of weeks, I thought about giving up my writings and completely deleting my WP blog.  That is how this cancer is affecting me; it wants me to give up and call it quits.  But, I am stronger than that and I have you my wonderful friends, who I truly appreciate seeing each and every day.  So my blog will continue.

 

What animal would I choose to be?

This was and is a difficult question for me as I honestly do not know what animal I would be.  There are animals that display strength, animals that are weaker in appearance; then there are animals that are fighters and animals that are cuddlers.  I think I am all the above depending on the day, how I am feeling and what I am in need of to take on each day as it comes.  Today with the current happenings in my life, I choose a canine, yes a dog.  Maybe that comes across as an easy pick amongst all animals in the world.  But think about it; dogs display strength and sometimes appear weak in appearance; they can be fighters and they can certainly be cuddlers.  My dog Roxy depends on me as I depend on others.  I choose to be a dog.

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My Spirited Nominees:

– Tikeetha over at A Thomas Point of View

– Tanya over at postprodigal.com

– Cindy over at cindyknoke.com

– Alexis over at UNTANGLED

– Paula over at Never A Dull Bling

– David over at Life and Random Thinking

– Marci over at What’s for Dinner Moms?

– Bernadette over at HADDON MUSINGS

– Sadie over at SADIE’S NEST

– Clare over at Around ZuZu’s Barn

 

Thank you again Jennie for this nomination – I appreciate you very much.

the drag

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I wrote these words a couple of weeks ago when feeling down.   The past couple of weeks at times have been tiring and I am at times beaten down, but I do get up and continue to move forward.

Just know my friends, though at times my posts are negative and sometimes full of despair, my willingness to move forward and overcome is full of strength and vigor.

 

the drag –

 

The drag, the depression; though I have been there before a long, long, long time ago, the memories flood back.

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Feelings, emotions that from a long time ago as a young man, and a young person, experienced; unable to deal with that which was brought to me.

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Today the drag, the depression, though short lived at moments has burst of energy that bring me to tears; bring emotions back; bring feelings that which was me years ago.

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The drag that which brings me down, brings me to tears, brings me to realize feelings, emotions tucked away years ago are there to be relived, to be re-experienced, to be brought back, to be used once again.

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The drag, the depression; daunting at times, short lived, are brought from a place once that was lived and experienced so many years ago; that from which brought me from there to here.