I am not a good hospital patient!
I am a horrible hospital patient!
I have become some nurse’s worse nightmare patient!
I hate the hospital environment!
My last few days are staying in a hospital with an IV of antibiotics to fight an inspection somewhere in my body. This is especially important as I am in the process of receiving chemotherapy and my ability to fight infections is compromised. It is much easier for those bugs and bacteria to take me on and do a little attacking of sorts; and I have to fight back.
Yesterday was my second full day in the hospital and I was not happy. The purpose of this post is to not criticize the hospital and the care I have received. My blog was not created to share my personal opinions or believes about anything other than myself and my life.
I am a horrible hospital patient and I can maintain my niceness most of the time. There are many posts here describing my bad side, that mean person; who can be hateful, cruel, ugly and downright evil. Okay there I go, that is me when I am in the hospital and I am driven there by actions out of my control. Should I be in control of myself, my actions and my behavior? Yes, absolutely and I take total ownership of me, but I cannot of others, especially those in the industry that take care of me.
Why am I being hateful, cruel, ugly and downright evil? I am in the hospital; I do not want to be here: I am angry that I am here: I am angry I have cancer!
There it is – I AM ANGRY I HAVE CANCER!
This cancer is beating me down right now and is taking a once happy active person to someone who is unrecognizable to me.
I am angry I have cancer because as I write this sitting in a room by myself with an IV filling me with medications, I also have a tube protruding from my back emptying fluids and a port inserted in my chest.
I am angry I have cancer because, my body is changing for the worse, the fat is being added and replacing the muscle due to no activity and the face is changing due to reactions from my recent high fever.
I look into the mirror and I no longer see me.
I look into the mirror and I see a man who has not shaved for days, loss of color and shallow in face. I see anger, frustration, sadness, unhappiness, loss and tears.
Where am I?
Where is me?
I am there somewhere deep inside being attached and weakened. I am there somewhere, for I cry in despair at what I am now, what I have become.
This story is not over; it is just another paragraph in this chapter of my book; my life.
There is more to come; weakness – strength, tears – joy, sadness – happiness.
The infection is being fought with large does of antibiotics and soon, me; there somewhere deep inside will be back to fight that person I see in the mirror.