Where is me?

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I am not a good hospital patient!

I am a horrible hospital patient!

I have become some nurse’s worse nightmare patient!

I hate the hospital environment!

My last few days are staying in a hospital with an IV of antibiotics to fight an inspection somewhere in my body.  This is especially important as I am in the process of receiving chemotherapy and my ability to fight infections is compromised.   It is much easier for those bugs and bacteria to take me on and do a little attacking of sorts; and I have to fight back.

Yesterday was my second full day in the hospital and I was not happy.  The purpose of this post is to not criticize the hospital and the care I have received.  My blog was not created to share my personal opinions or believes about anything other than myself and my life.

I am a horrible hospital patient and I can maintain my niceness most of the time.  There are many posts here describing my bad side, that mean person; who can be hateful, cruel, ugly and downright evil.  Okay there I go, that is me when I am in the hospital and I am driven there by actions out of my control.  Should I be in control of myself, my actions and my behavior?  Yes, absolutely and I take total ownership of me, but I cannot of others, especially those in the industry that take care of me.

Why am I being hateful, cruel, ugly and downright evil?  I am in the hospital; I do not want to be here: I am angry that I am here: I am angry I have cancer!

There it is – I AM ANGRY I HAVE CANCER!

This cancer is beating me down right now and is taking a once happy active person to someone who is unrecognizable to me.

I am angry I have cancer because as I write this sitting in a room by myself with an IV filling me with medications, I also have a tube protruding from my back emptying fluids and a port inserted in my chest.

I am angry I have cancer because, my body is changing for the worse, the fat is being added and replacing the muscle due to no activity and the face is changing due to reactions from my recent high fever.

I look into the mirror and I no longer see me.

I look into the mirror and I see a man who has not shaved for days, loss of color and shallow in face.  I see anger, frustration, sadness, unhappiness, loss and tears.

Where am I?

Where is me?

I am there somewhere deep inside being attached and weakened.  I am there somewhere, for I cry in despair at what I am now, what I have become.

This story is not over; it is just another paragraph in this chapter of my book; my life.

There is more to come; weakness – strength, tears – joy, sadness – happiness.

The infection is being fought with large does of antibiotics and soon, me; there somewhere deep inside will be back to fight that person I see in the mirror.

Me (2)

 

68 thoughts on “Where is me?”

  2. Terry, I was just going to reply to yesterday’s post and call you a silly sausage for treating the ‘vacation’ as a real one but now I am just going to send you hugs. If we lived closer, I would have told you not to do so much last week and don’t mix with groups of people. Your immune system is under attack from both the cancer and the treatment and it is really common for chemo patients to get infections/fevers. It is really frustrating for your body to betray you but this is just temporary. In one of your video blogs during chemo you looked like a sad little bear and then a week later looked like your old self. I am sure you are not as bad a patient as you think but no one expects you to behave like a saint when you feel miserable. Fairy dust is heading your way – look after yourself. K xx

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  4. Dear Terry, I wish I could reach out and hold your hand and somehow give you some of my strength to get you through this terrible patch of your life. Try to remember that thinking and acting positive is good for your immune system.

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  5. Oh Terry, this is not fair. I wish you were not going through all this, really. But, one thing I am sure of, is you are still you. I know you are fighting this battle, and I know you are in hospital and hating every moment of it, and I understand that you are a terrible hospital patient, but who blames you for that, you are allowed, and I am sure the hospital staff totally understand. You are allowed to be human my friend, never forget that. Ask Gary to bring your razor, have a shave, it may help you to feel a little better. You will always be you, no matter what. Love and hugs. xxx

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  6. Better out than in, as they say! Better to rage at the world and fight back than bottle it all up and withdraw. You are still in there and your whole self will re-emerge before too long. Let the nurses do their caring, let your body do its healing. And yes, let Gary help you shave. How we appear to ourselves and the world affects how we view ourselves and the world. Doing the smallest thing can make you feel like you have some control and change your perspective a little. I hope you feel better soon. ☺️

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  8. Anger is valid. It was explained to me once that it’s the emotion that keeps us from stroking out..a sort of temperature gauge if you will. And you’re more than entitled to grouse and to be angry. Cancer is something that requires a little (or a lot) of anger to get through I think. I’m hoping you are feeling better today and that the antibiotics are helping with the infection. I’m also saying prayers for your speedy recovery and renewed vigor. And get Gary to take a pic or two of you ‘as you are right now’…Your beautiful smile is still hovering ’round I’m betting, and those pictures might be something you can look at time to time and remember what huge trials you overcame….keep blogging and complain, bitch, moan. We’re here to listen and provide support for you…you’ve done it for me at least often enough. Thanks sweetie and take care!!

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  9. Oh my Terry……first I am standing by you holding your hand….letting you squeeze it till I have tears in my eyes….taking your pain and anger for you…however…..Anger is a good way to fight this….your still there, your rebel is coming out to help you fight this…let him…its okay to be angry and pissed off….don’t apologize for it….no one can be happy going through what you are….you have kept a positive attitude and out look since the beginning….but sometimes its okay to let the wall down and say fuck it!!! I am pissed and really, really mad!!! My heart is with you….you need to conserve your energy and stay away of people….its just until your through the chemo – protect yourself both mentally and physically but scream if it makes you feel better….hope your feeling better….let the medication work…its fighting for you……many, many hugs…..

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  10. Hang on in there Terry, use that Anger to your advantage my friend, and kick butt to those cancer cells, Zap them with all of that Anger and tell them to be gone.. Channel your anger to good use, and know it is good to let out emotion.. Let it go..
    Sending you tons of love from across the ocean Terry.. absorb all of that Love your friends are sending you and pour it like balm to soothe your soul when all of that Anger is spent.. Use it to heal, nurture and energise my friend..
    ❤ Love and Healing prayers being sent your way .. ❤ Sue

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  13. Ah Terry my heart aches for you across the State. I will admit it is alright to let go of anger the nursing staff understand and are there to help you. No One likes hospitals, even me and I have in the past AMA myself (yes, that’s right walk right out-I let them know first and signed a form). I dislike them also. They host even more germs! Whenever your immune system is compromised close contact or casual (a simple door handle, airborne illnesses can transmit). Yet, you do not want to feel totally isolated from life. Get anxiety med to ease the brain to calm yourself down I know they’ll give you one! Meditate-good thoughts…Gigantic Hugs of Sunshine your way.

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  16. Ah Terry, angry and emotional was the way I was after 5 months in the hospital so I can understand perhaps a little bit. You are worn down by everything, and that is completely to be expected. Hugs my Florida friend, you are in the tunnel but we all see light ahead for you.

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    • Thank you David, I know you understand and I do appreciate your words of encouragement. I feel sometimes I overdo it as I know there are others who have experienced much worse than me. Thank you and others for seeing the light ahead as I don’t see it quite yet, but I know it is there.

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  18. Hospitals suck…I hate them, too. And being angry that you have cancer is perfectly justified…and that anger just makes the untenable hospitals that much worse.
    *HUGS*

    Sorry that it’s the shit…I really mean that.
    I hope that your day and weekend get better.

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  19. My late husband had stomach cancer. He hated staying in the hospital. Feeling anger, despair is normal. You are no longer in control of your body. I hope this time quickly passes for you. Keep your spirits up, and you will be okay.

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  21. Your anger is perfectly understandable Terry and I think it´s good that you let it out now, give it as much energy as it needs ´cause it´s giving you engergy in return to fight all this! And being a terrible hospital patient seems the only way to be to me – if you´d like it there, then something would be terribly wrong 😉 And don´t worry about where the true you has gone to – it will be back as soon as you are on your recovery! Don´t give up! Fight, Fight Fight!!! Sending enormous H U G S and healing thoughts to you!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  23. Oh Terry – I missed this one! I’m so sorry I did not respond and support you on this awful, tough day you were having! It is okay to be mad, and it is okay to let it out. You are human, and that is a normal response. But has anyone shared this with you yet?

    What Cancer Cannot Do

    Cancer is so limited…
    It cannot cripple love.
    It cannot shatter hope.
    It cannot corrode faith.
    It cannot eat away peace.
    It cannot destroy confidence.
    It cannot kill friendship.
    It cannot shut out memories.
    It cannot silence courage.
    It cannot reduce eternal life.
    It cannot quench the Spirit.

    Author: Dr. Robert L. Lynn

    You are still YOU – Cancer cannot still YOU – your love, your courage, your hope, faith, peace, friendships, memories! There is so much more to YOU than cancer. It sure is a big ole’ pain – but it is not you – and it cannot steal YOU!

    Hugs and love!

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    • Jodi, you again bring tears to my eyes, good tears. You also bring me support and strength and encouragement. One reason I post these types of posts is that I need reminders such as this comment – these comments help me in many ways. I always appreciate your comments and you.

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  24. Oh Terry, this is so sad! I hope it is helpful for you to be honest with your feelings and emotions. I like that you acknowledge that this is you in this moment, and future moments will be different. I hope you are feeling better… and are home by now!

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    • I find letting it all out, the good, the bad and ugly is helpful for me. I am feeling much better this week as I am home resting. Thank you for reading and commenting, I always appreciate both.

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