In my post ‘Where is me?‘, I wrote the following –
Where am I?
Where is me?
I am there somewhere deep inside being attached and weakened. I am there somewhere, for I cry in despair at what I am now, what I have become.
In today’s post, I write the following –
Two weeks ago, I wrote that post while sitting in a hospital room fighting an infection. I no longer sit in that hospital room but instead have removed myself from life and place myself in a room by myself alone not to be bothered. I continue to be angry, I continue to be hateful, I continue just to exist, I continue to want to die. I am weak right now and cancer is pushing me further into a depth of despair and misery and I am letting it.
I write posts though at times my motivation is lacking and I just feel like doing nothing – quitting and giving up. Somehow I do write posts and I receive comments that I am inspirational. Believe me, I do not feel inspirational, but instead hopeless and a failure, a loss cause. I really do not want to be amongst the living as I am drained with energy. My energy is absent because chemotherapy has stolen it and my body now feels lifeless.
Days after chemotherapy I spend in bed, resting and sleeping, for hours and hours never wanting to be in touch with reality. I just want to be left alone in my solace and away from everything and everyone. I find no comfort in life, in family, in anything as I once did. This body, this person that is me now, is different and that other me is gone, buried and I do not know if he is still alive.
Many of my posts I end it with that picture of me. You know which one I am referring to, that happy me – that is me no longer. Have you realized it has been quite a while since I made a video of me, why is that? I do not want you to see me now, for I have changed. That picture of me is no longer, for I have changed. The tan is gone, the smile is gone, the happier man is gone, it is me no longer. The picture is now replaced with a man who is unhappy and angry; a man who is tired and worn down, and a man who is just existing.
Existing for what?
Honestly I do not know at this time at this moment, I do not want to be here amongst the living. I would like to be away from all this; the cancer, the chemotherapy, the pills, the doctor visits. I would like to be away from the fatigued man I have become; the man with no desires and no motivations.
I would like to be just away.