I would like to be just away

In my post ‘Where is me?‘, I wrote the following  –

Where am I?

Where is me?

I am there somewhere deep inside being attached and weakened.  I am there somewhere, for I cry in despair at what I am now, what I have become.

In today’s post, I write the following –

Two weeks ago, I wrote that post while sitting in a hospital room fighting an infection.  I no longer sit in that hospital room but instead have removed myself from life and place myself in a room by myself alone not to be bothered.  I continue to be angry, I continue to be hateful, I continue just to exist, I continue to want to die.  I am weak right now and cancer is pushing me further into a depth of despair and misery and I am letting it.

I write posts though at times my motivation is lacking and I just feel like doing nothing – quitting and giving up.  Somehow I do write posts and I receive comments that I am inspirational.  Believe me, I do not feel inspirational, but instead hopeless and a failure, a loss cause.  I really do not want to be amongst the living as I am drained with energy.  My energy is absent because chemotherapy has stolen it and my body now feels lifeless.

Days after chemotherapy I spend in bed, resting and sleeping, for hours and hours never wanting to be in touch with reality.  I just want to be left alone in my solace and away from everything and everyone.  I find no comfort in life, in family, in anything as I once did.  This body, this person that is me now, is different and that other me is gone, buried and I do not know if he is still alive.

Many of my posts I end it with that picture of me.  You know which one I am referring to, that happy me – that is me no longer.  Have you realized it has been quite a while since I made a video of me, why is that?  I do not want you to see me now, for I have changed.  That picture of me is no longer, for I have changed.  The tan is gone, the smile is gone, the happier man is gone, it is me no longer.  The picture is now replaced with a man who is unhappy and angry; a man who is tired and worn down, and a man who is just existing.

Existing for what?

Honestly I do not know at this time at this moment, I do not want to be here amongst the living.  I would like to be away from all this; the cancer, the chemotherapy, the pills, the doctor visits.  I would like to be away from the fatigued man I have become; the man with no desires and no motivations.

I would like to be just away.

75 thoughts on “I would like to be just away

  1. From your last post Terry I wrote many emotions-but what I wanted to say was ANGRY! This post clearly is evident of that emotion. Hold on buddy its not time to be depressed, angry yes-of course. DO NOT shut us out-do not shut out Gary-Do not shut out your family who still does not know about your blog. Life is meant to be hard-it many ways. We are here for you-so vent! No one can appreciate you more than I can with all emotions at your fingertips my friend. I still will always send sunshine hugs to you even in your darkest hour. Cheryl AKA Gatorette.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Hi Terry,
    You can do this, you knew it was going to be hard, and you are prepared, bad, down days are normal, and also the anger,” never give up, as you never know how close you are”, you will have heard this many times, just keep going one day at a time, and vent all you want to, to us you are still the man in the photo, you still blog and you are you ! Lots off love hugs and positivity
    Brooke

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I’m sorry Terry. It’s a bad day. Maybe week? Or month… but it won’t last forever. It’s not over until it’s over- for any of us. Maybe today anger is getting you through. Or maybe today is the day to practice what you’ve spent your life trying to learn, overcoming the anger. So sorry my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This post makes sense to me. The tunnel is long and you want it to be over. During the long periods I was hospitalized I sometimes felt like I swimming under water and just holding my breath. Is that weird? Don’t give up, be angry, be whatever you want but hang in there and try to keep the vision of you and your hubby doing the road trip. Watching sunrises, and poking sparks from campfires. If your road trip takes to my neck of the woods I want to take you both wine tasting looking down on the lakes and alley. We need you amigo. Hang on.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. I totally hear you and completely understand. The pain, the chemo, the constant fighting is draining and exhausting. I’m glad you wrote this, so we can give you our hope, our strength, and our encouragement to keep up the fight. It’s a tough road you are on, I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Supportive hugs to you my friend!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I believe you are going through the five stages of grief. They don’t always come in order. You are in your anger phase now…and you know what? It’s perfectly okay. It’s even healthy. When you are angry, you vent…you pout…you recede into the background….you do whatever it takes to express that anger. People who don’t admit that they get angry or depressed are in fact, in another stage…denial.
    You are entitled to feel the way you feel, but as Cheryl said…don’t shut yourself completely off. Don’t shut Gary or us out. Take the time you need but reach out…there’s no shame in doing that. It shows that you are human.

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  7. Don’t you dare give up! I know you’re writing how you feel right now, but don’t you dare stop fighting! I believe you have a lot to look forward to once this hell has passed… such as a trip around the states! And Gary… you have to keep fighting for Gary’s sake. And your mom. Don’t give up Terry, just don’t.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Giving up is not an option. Keep hanging in there. You are fighting this will all you got, of course that leaves emptiness. Just think about how awesome your smile will be when you managed to kick that cancer out of your life! You’ve got this.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Oh Terry my friend…..in order to get better one must hit the bottom with the cure….. I am so sorry that feeling so desolate…however, on the positive side…are you not over half way??? on the turn for the end run of this 12 week period….chemo is an ugly cure….and can rip ones inner soul away with it as if kills and removes the cancer…..but I know there is a spark in your soul…it will not take it all…it just takes you to the limit….your spark will be back…it may take longer than you want, but you will regain your strength…..be patient…your body is fighting and fighting hard…remember its okay to feel exactly like you do…keep writing and sharing your feelings, let it out….rest, sleep, be by yourself, whatever makes you feel better.. but know that you are loved, and have sooooo many of us sending, dancing, praying, caring, and in what other ways people do….we are all here for you….I am sorry your having to go through this….life is such a complicated bitch sometimes….but I truly believe you will come out of this, one day at a time my friend, one day at a time…xxxkat

    Liked by 1 person

  10. It really breaks my heart knowing that you are feeling as you are feeling. All your emotions are so valid though considering what you are going through. I don’t know what to say, just that I understand and that I am sorry you are going through all this, I wish I could take it all away. I want you to feel happy again. I want you to be well again. Hang in there my friend, and fight this dreadful fight. Love and hugs xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  11. You are human. You feel broken. This post makes so much sense. You have the right to be angry. Just let the feeling come, it’s part of the process. Sending love and hugs to you, Terry. Remember, you are still in there. Find that Terry spirit that we all still recognize. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Your feelings are very real Terry. Being angry, desperate and depressed will come up when the body is in pain and the mind challenged with the reality of cancer. I can’t imagine what it must be like, but I do believe that the real you is within you still. That spark and life energy is there. You are so much more than the physical body. Trust that the essence and love that lives there will prevail. Sending light and love. 💕

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Yes it is so very hard. But yes you are so very strong. You have a lot of good things in your life that you need to get back to and you will. But now I am going to be a stern friend… your state of mind will negatively effect your recovery. Start meditating and find some peace and eventually some light into your life. I am speaking like a Dutch Uncle because I care about you and want to see you have a swift recovery.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Oh terry. So sorry to hear how you are feeling and totally understand. Please try to hang in there There is light ahead. So many love you. Get mad. Get flipping radically mad. But don’t retreat. You are beautiful no matter tan or hair or any silly outward appearance. You heart and soul are beautiful. And cancer can’t take that!! ❤️💙💚💜💕💛

    Liked by 2 people

  15. Terry I so know these bad days, I went through many of them with my sister.. but she fought them, picked herself up by the scruff and she is with us today… Surviving breast cancer and mastectomy at 36 four young children.. She fought Cancer and told it where it could go… Keep those thoughts Terry on your bad days and do not let it win.. xxx Love and healing thoughts your way ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I do hope you will post a current photo. So you can find out that despite what you might find an unappealing face, the rest of us will still love and support. Look at any survivor of a disaster – whether physical health, environmental, emotional…and tell me that any of them looked their perceived ‘best’. If they’ve been fighting any kind of battle, they don’t. They look worn, tired, angry, disappointed, disgusted, sad and a host of other emotions that have nothing to do with posing for a photo. And. You need to know, if you don’t, that it’s not your OUTSIDES that the people who know you have come to love (not dismissing that), but your INSIDES (your soul) that they really love. Your eyes continue to reflect the beautiful soul you possess, and you can’t change that…not with all the cancer in the world. You are beautiful. You continue to be an inspiration and hope. You are still my friend and I admire you! Hear me?

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Sorry you’re feeling so flat and despairing 😦 I hope that once the chemo has worn off a bit, that you’re more like your usual self. I can’t pretend to know how you’re feeling, it must be rubbish feeling like you do just now. It wasn’t so long ago that you brightened my day with a sunny beach walk. The weather getting worse here in Scotland and I’ve been thinking of that sunny beach walk more and more. We’ve always got our imagination x

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Terry, it is good that you wrote this post because it opened the doors for your friends to tell you they care and support you. You are not alone, and you have hit the wall that most cancer patients hit. It’s awful. But it gets better. You need to read a good book; not one that’s long and hard, just one that’s really good. Read “Wonder” by R.J. Palacio. Big wow! My very best to you. -Jennie-

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  19. My heart´s bleeding for you, dear Terry! And I wish I could take you away from all the anger and exhaustion! I really do! It makes me also so angry to read about how this damn illness makes you shift into another person, a person that you not really are but have to be because you don´t have the energy. But I know this is just a phase, and there will be better and brighter days ahead of you!!! It is so understandable that you´re retreating and don´t want to write, but this will pass. Let the chemo take its toll but don´te let it take it all, keep something for you, even if it is hidden deep inside. And when the treatment is over and you´ve won this battle, you take it out and slowly courage it to grow back to the man you really are. Wishing you strength and endless positive thought, my dear friend! Keep fighting and believing! xxxxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  20. My mother died of cancer thirty years ago. she had cancer of the liver. They call it the “silent killer” with good reason, by the time doctors diagnose it the cancer has spread to most vital organs.But perhaps that has changed since then. My nephew also died of Cancer a few years ago. Unlike my mother, who died less than ten days after diagnosis, we watched him go from a healthy man to a skeleton. He had cancer of the esophagus, which made it impossible for him to eat. It is a hateful disease.

    My heart breaks for you and I hope it helps to know that so many people are pulling for you and keeping you in thoughts and prayers. I hope one day soon you will find reasons to celebrate, to be happy again, but I think what you are going through is completely understandable. For what it’s worth I wish you well – truly and completely well in every way and in every fibre of your being. Blessings….

    Liked by 2 people

  21. Cancer or any really serious illness is not a time for dancing, not a time for laughter, not a time for fighting in reality. In fact it is a time to just go with it as a very wise Irish friend once told me (in the context of rearing children – also an achingly tough thing to do contrary to all the smiley cheerful perky folks who tell us its the happiest time of our lives). Cancer sucks. Cancer can go to hell. Cancer is evil and mean and it infests your body. And you have to go through hellish therapy to try and beat it and much of the time you would like to curl up and turn out the light. I’m not surprised. Not at all. You have every right to feel just however you feel. And when you are well again, and you will be. Then we can all party. And we will. IN the meantime, I send you starlight because when I look up at the stars I know they are shining on you just the same and that I can wish on them that you will be well soon. That you will be happy soon and that I will be able to sit and take your hand and talk nonsense with you before too long

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    • Osyth, you always have the right words to send me, and for that I am grateful. I appreciate your understanding, thoughts, support and encouragement – all of these are helping me. I do look forward to talking nonsense with you someday in the future. Happy Sunday. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • My husband has promised me that when I get back here next summer (probably June if all goes to plan) that I can seek you out wherever you are and take time out to ‘talk twaddle’ as my mother would say with an old friend I have never met. I can’t wait and in the meantime I’ll keep on sending the words that come straight from my heart and be gladdened that so many do the same for one very very special man (that’s you, by the way!)

        Liked by 1 person

  22. Terry this is so hard to hear, to know that you are experiencing all of this! And I feel so bad so much time has passed since you wrote this and that I am only now reading it! I don’t know what to say that could possibly comfort you… I am thinking of you and praying for you Terry!

    Liked by 1 person

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