wear-down

Dictionary.com has the following –

Verb phrases 

wear down, 

a.to reduce or impair by long wearing:

to wear down the heels of one’s shoes.

b.to weary; tire:

His constant talking wears me down.

c.to prevail by persistence; overcome:

to wear down the opposition.

wear off,

to diminish slowly or gradually or to diminish in effect; disappear:

The drug began to wear off.

wear out, 

a.to make or become unfit or useless through hard or extended use:

to wear out clothes.

b.to expend, consume, or remove, especially slowly or gradually.

c.to exhaust, as by continued strain; weary:

This endless bickering is wearing me out.

I will be honest with you, the chemotherapy is wearing me down, I am tired all the time and my motivation, well is almost non-existent.  For me now, it is a major undertaking just to get out and go somewhere – I just am not interested and just too tired.

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Chemotherapy is kind to me in that I am not experiencing many other side-affects.  But the tiredness, it is hitting me hard; very hard.

I have feelings I am letting Gary down and am letting myself down.  The once vibrant man I knew is gone and now a weary man with no ambition consumes my body.  I assume after chemotherapy the man I know so well will return, I am hoping so anyway.

I lack desire to venture out anywhere in our area here near Pensacola.  My desire to associate myself with others in the RV park is limited.  My lack of desire to take a walk is becoming more prevalent and controlling.

I have feelings I am letting Gary down and I want him to not feel he needs to be with me during my times of tiredness.  I have feelings I am letting myself down and I want to do more to continue to enjoy life even though I am dealing with cancer.  But I am not enjoying life and I am not enjoying cancer.  So I keep my tired body, the wear-down me, that non-vibrant me, almost non-existent me still and I wait.

What do I wait for?

I wait for chemotherapy to be over with, so that man I know so well will return.

My thoughts are he is still there somewhere in an abyss of emotional disturbances and physical unfamiliar traits.

I am hoping so anyway.

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Again I ask, what do I wait for?

But then I remind myself, why wait for anything?

I remind myself, no matter the situation, the tiredness, the lack of motivation and interest – I can still be positive and happy.

Maybe being vibrate is asking a lot for someone dealing with cancer, but positive and happy are still obtainable.

I don’t want to let Gary down and I do not want to let myself down.

71 thoughts on “wear-down

  1. This is all part of the process. Sucks, but it’s inevitable. Once these rounds of chemo are done though, you should start feeling a bit better. Remember, it’s a marathon, not a sprint. Good thoughts sent your way. Be well, and do not give up! 😊

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Terry, I am so sorry to hear you are going through all of this. I have gone through it with my Mom and my Sister and I understood. Gary will understand too. Cancer is awful and the cures are not much better – chemo/radiation. I wish you the best and I keep you in my prayers. Hang in there, the other side does come and you will start to feel like that man you lost.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. My friend now is the time to think of yourself. Gary supports that. You are tired because your body is focused on healing, keep the calories up, and rest whenever and often. Chocolate milkshake sound good?

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I am sure you are not letting Gary down! Your body is raging a war inside itself and the chemo is like the nuclear bomb being set off every week or so. Be gentle with yourself. You are tired and need rest to heal, let it happen. Once the chemo is over you will slowly return to more of the energy you had before. Hold on or if you can’t right now we will all do it for you until you are ready!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Your energy will return. Your body is fighting a heck of a battle right now. Gary is right there by your side, knowing his boogie walking, dancing, car-washing man is just resting and healing. You’ve got this! So does Gary! ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  6. That man, that you is right there but he has had to step aside a while to let the chemo warriors do their job and the only way your body can allow those little warriors to do their job is to shut down and be like a sloth. Enthusiasm would tax you so your body says no. When the Chemo has done its job the you you recognise as you will reappear and all will be well. I am certain that Gary is fine and wants to support his fatigued husband but if you are worried, suggest he might get some support for himself whilst you rest. My daughters went to a support group at the hospital for relatives and although it was odd for them, I know it helped. We also had a MacMillan Nurse (and English thing but there is probably a US equivalent) who not only tended to me but tended to them. Giving them advice and someone to talk to. But if Gary says he is fine, you must respect that. Don’t expend energy worrying about him. He wants all your energy conserved for the moment you are well again. I promise you that. did you see that? It’s a little ray of golden sunshine just for you …. if you grab it, it will warm you. I promise you it will. I sent it and I have special powers – remember?

    Liked by 5 people

      • I had another test yesterday and will speak to the specialist in a couple of days. I will need to make some decisions then as I am meant to leave the US next Friday. If he thinks I need surgery then I have the hard task of telling my mum that I won’t be back for a little longer and my daughter in Malaysia that I won’t be able to visit until next year some time. As you know better than I, right now, there are so many ifs buts and maybes in medical treatment – I try to take my own advice and go with it but sometimes I just want to holla loud ‘fix me NOW’! All shall be well. And if I always have to walk with a brace (which is a possibility bordering on probability) then you can be sure I will rock that baby and make it the chicest, most enviable accessory in the history of elegance!

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Terry, feeling as you are feeling, can not be nice. You know if I could take it all away I would, but soon this Chemo will be over, and I pray that in time and as your body heals you will feel more yourself again. I am so thankful you have Gary at your side, trust me, he wants to be there with you, he loves you. I doubt you are letting him down. You are not letting yourself down either, you are fighting this dreadful fight remember. Hang in there my friend. Thinking of you always. Hugs x

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Nothing new to add, except to say “Glad you’re still here and glad you’re still writing”.. despite the illness and fatigue. And because I see you are starting to worry about what you ‘can’t’ do (right now) and who you ‘are not’, I thought maybe this little post from another blogger I follow would give some inspiration or hope? Cancer is the worst of things, enduring is the best we can expect, hope is the best of things. Hoping for you.

    https://nonsmokingladybug.wordpress.com/2016/10/04/vivere-dare-to-life/

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks dear for sharing the link – that certainly is a wonderful blog and post. I write my thoughts and feelings down and though they do not always reflect my every minute of every day – they are a part of me during this process. Hope your day is going well! 🙂

      Like

  9. Sometimes we hang on for others, we make the best of it for others, when we cannot seem to do so for ourselves. Thank God for others! I hope that the fact so many are following your story on your blog helps you know that others care and would gift you with bountiful energy if we could. May you know the blessings of good health in mind, spirit, and body a.s.a.p. Wishing you peace my friend.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. This many people saying the same thing can’t all be wrong 😊 Your body doesn’t want you gallavanting among virus-laden ne’erdowells, it’s trying hard to get you well and you’re fighting it all the way! Rest and recuperate, the time for boogeying and socialising will come soon enough ☺️ If you don’t, your recovery may be more problematic and take longer and how would that be for Gary? Do as the doctor (and all your friends) ordered! 😉😋

    Liked by 2 people

  11. I can only agree with all of my fellow bloggers here 🙂 You´re not letting Gary down and I´m sure he doesn´t think anything like that. You need to rest and there´s no harm in doing that, quite the opposite 😉 Store the engergy you´ve got left for your fight, you can socialise with other people again when this is all over 🙂 Have a happy day, dear Terry! xxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Sending more Golden rays to you along with some mojo juice….stop worrying about your Gary….he is there for you as you would be for him…..and rest….that is what your body is requesting…rest and let the warrior chemo, as Fiona calls it, I love that phrase, work on your body….its okay to feel this way….the marathon is on the second lap and almost finished….sending you energy and joy…..xxkat

    Liked by 1 person

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