Dictionary.com has the following –
a.to reduce or impair by long wearing:
to wear down the heels of one’s shoes.
b.to weary; tire:
His constant talking wears me down.
c.to prevail by persistence; overcome:
to wear down the opposition.
to diminish slowly or gradually or to diminish in effect; disappear:
The drug began to wear off.
a.to make or become unfit or useless through hard or extended use:
to wear out clothes.
b.to expend, consume, or remove, especially slowly or gradually.
c.to exhaust, as by continued strain; weary:
This endless bickering is wearing me out.
I will be honest with you, the chemotherapy is wearing me down, I am tired all the time and my motivation, well is almost non-existent. For me now, it is a major undertaking just to get out and go somewhere – I just am not interested and just too tired.
Chemotherapy is kind to me in that I am not experiencing many other side-affects. But the tiredness, it is hitting me hard; very hard.
I have feelings I am letting Gary down and am letting myself down. The once vibrant man I knew is gone and now a weary man with no ambition consumes my body. I assume after chemotherapy the man I know so well will return, I am hoping so anyway.
I lack desire to venture out anywhere in our area here near Pensacola. My desire to associate myself with others in the RV park is limited. My lack of desire to take a walk is becoming more prevalent and controlling.
I have feelings I am letting Gary down and I want him to not feel he needs to be with me during my times of tiredness. I have feelings I am letting myself down and I want to do more to continue to enjoy life even though I am dealing with cancer. But I am not enjoying life and I am not enjoying cancer. So I keep my tired body, the wear-down me, that non-vibrant me, almost non-existent me still and I wait.
What do I wait for?
I wait for chemotherapy to be over with, so that man I know so well will return.
My thoughts are he is still there somewhere in an abyss of emotional disturbances and physical unfamiliar traits.
I am hoping so anyway.
Again I ask, what do I wait for?
But then I remind myself, why wait for anything?
I remind myself, no matter the situation, the tiredness, the lack of motivation and interest – I can still be positive and happy.
Maybe being vibrate is asking a lot for someone dealing with cancer, but positive and happy are still obtainable.
I don’t want to let Gary down and I do not want to let myself down.