the dark side

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If it seems I have published lots of downer posts lately, well you are correct I have.  For the month of September, many of my posts are about my life with cancer and the impact it is having on me.  I struggle with my emotions in that I want to deal with it with a positive attitude.  But yet many times I do not, instead I allow cancer to dictate my moods and emotions toward the negative side – the dark side.

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I started chemotherapy the end of August and looking back at my posts in September I see a slide downhill into a dark hole of doom, gloom, despair, negativity and basically a living hell not only for myself, but Gary.  The one person here each and every day to help me is the one person I take my frustrations out on.  This easy going man is receiving the severe brunt response from a person who is allowing cancer to dictate the daily temperament.

So many of those posts in September reflect the transformation of a man once happy to now a man who seems lifeless at times.  September reflected the start of a phase that was unwelcomed and unfamiliar and came in with a vengeance.  This surge forced physical pain into my life, many blood samples, surgical procedures, chemotherapy treatments, doctor’s visits and hospital stays.  I was not ready for this whirlwind of change.

In September, I threw in a few positive posts and still others that were not related to the current happenings of the day.  I have always wanted my blog to be diverse in topics even though the main focus is my life.  But my life currently is focused on cancer and all that it entails.   I do not like that cancer is calling me toward the dark side or it may be that I do not like that I am allowing myself to be called toward the dark side.

I remind myself of that time decades ago and wrote about in my post ‘The Great Depression of the 1980s‘, which included these words –

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This decade evolved into depression, attempted suicides, a stay in a psychiatric hospital, and years of therapy and medications that carried into the next decade.

As a result of these issues I became very depressed to the point that it was difficult for me to get out of bed on some days.  I think I remember once staying in bed for up to 3 days with no desire to do anything.

In today’s post, I conclude with the following –

Decades ago I accepted the calling into the dark side and again today it calls me.  I allowed myself to be tempted and made steps toward the dark side; but I need to stop – because my life and more importantly Gary’s life is experiencing the evil of those steps.

September is over and the downer posts were published.  The change of the season is in the air; the crispness, the coolness, the change in color and the change in nature.  With these changes I to need to change also and my desire now is that my October change is from a step into the dark side to a step in the other direction.  A step into a bright side; brighter emotions, brighter moods and a positive brighter me to deal with cancer.

89 thoughts on “the dark side”

  1. This is so hard, of course feeling down would be expected! you are a strong person Terry have been through so much, you can turn this around and will be even more of an inspiration! I want to see a bright post each day and more pictures of your beautiful face smiling!!! OK? I will be watching each day for my sunshine–you! love love love xxx hugs hugs hugs

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  2. You and your body are going through so much. I hope they have paired you up with a counselor, if you want, to discuss the depression and get help, if you wish. Depression is not easy to fight off alone. I hope brighter days are ahead for you!

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    • Brighter days are ahead because I have more of an idea what will be taking place in the future – this enables me to better handle things. Thanks for your support and comment – I hope you are having a wonderful week. 🙂

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  3. To a degree fighting cancer (as explained to me) is a sole journey leading to darkness, depression, self pity, so many emotions. Its affect on others very apparent. As the drugs to fight the cancer is as nasty as the cancer itself. One finds absolutely no fault in your emotions, feelings this last past month-they are expected. The days are long, the hours slowly tick by and you have a lot of time on your hands to dwell. Finding the good in oneself is sometimes difficult. It is a self-image of who am I-why am I here-where am I going? If it were reverse and you were watching your Gary go through this how would you feel? The man gets it and will forever stand by you as you endure these procedures. Sometimes words cut like a knife to the ones we love and care about the most. Making a steady effort to yes-express your feelings, discuss what’s happening, with Gary must be done with kindness Terry-he knows you best. Sunshine hugs always to you.

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  5. Terry we would rather you vent than keep it bottled up inside of you. We are here to listen. Glad you are feeling a little brighter. Thank you for sharing. You have made it easier to deal with my own cancer journey. Those emotions are all ones I deal with daily and you are truly a blessing for making me feel not so alone. XxxOoo. ☀️🌞Have a great day!

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  6. You feeling as you have felt and feel is perfectly understandable. You expressing your feelings, makes you real, you are not sugar coating anything. This cancer you are dealing with has taken every ounce out of you…and l am sure Gary understands, even for those unpleasant moments. Hang in there my friend, brighter days are ahead. Thinking of you. Hugs 🙂

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  11. Terry, I think even on your darkest days, your light and happiness shows through. I can’t recall any of those posts where you don’t mention something about striving for that happiness, or regret at not being able to find it, or similar thoughts. The dark side plays dirty, but through all of this, you’ve shown that you want to fight it, even if some days it is hard to do so.

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  12. I can’t begin to imagine what your going through, therefore I am at a lost for words. Reading your post today made me think of how much I take for granted. I hope that you can find some kind of peace dealing with everything your going through.

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    • I am doing much better today than a month ago as now I know what to expect with regards to the chemo and my cancer. Brighter days are ahead and I have a better attitude. Thank you for stopping by to read and comment – always appreciated. 🙂

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  13. Take my hand and hold it tight. I stand on the light side and I won’t let you down. More importantly, Gary – the love of your life, is with you and you are NOT going to let him down. The light is hard for you to see right now but the darkness is not going to take you. Hard as it may be, tough as it may be, you are strong – deep inside you are strong and you will make it through. So take my hand and hold it tight and I will keep you in the light.

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    • Aww, thank you dear Osyth, I got your hand and holding tight, and all is better. The last 6 weeks of events hit me hard and unexpectedly. Though I still have much to go through, I know I am strong and brighter days are waiting. 🙂

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      • This makes me happy. Very happy. By the way, I define pressure as the stuff bearing down that you can see, is tangible and stress as the stuff that does just the same but we can’t see. Stress is much harder to deal with. As the next stage become clear, as the light becomes stronger and highlights the path you will be taking the stress will disperse and you will find it easier to cope. But I’ll still be holding that hand 🙂

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  14. Your self awareness is impressive Gary. You have the spirit of a warrior, which you need because life is often a battle, and all of your followers are on your side my friend, fighting with you. Sending hopes, prayers and healing thoughts your way.

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  18. I am over from Osyth’s blog…I am glad that you feel more positive, thanks to knowing more about what is ahead.
    My husband went through chemo some years ago and feeling out of control of the situation was very difficult for him so I do see whence you are coming on that score.
    Hoping for better weather and better times for you.

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  19. You know, Terry, having depression is not really ‘the dark side’. You are making me feel like Darth Vader!!! 😄 It’s just an illness like every other, often triggered by other physiological illnesses. That is what has happened to me this year and as much as I hate having a mental illness, I just do what my doctor tells me and it usually works. It is very common for people undergoing chemotherapy to be depressed and anxious and you already had an serious episode which puts you at greater risk. Have you had the opportunity to see a therapist at the hospital – that might help to take the edge of the inevitable frustration? Good luck.

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  20. Terry, this is filled with a great deal of honesty and reflection. Too much change, even good change, can be hard to deal with. You certainly have experienced quite a bit of change over the past several months. Some you chose, but so much of it was thrown at you. You are remarkable, really!

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  28. Ahhhh Like Fiona – I am on the other side holding your other hand tightly and Gary is behind you in case you fall…we are all there for you my fiend….fucking cancer is the dark side for sure and I believe who heartedly that you will emerge shining brightly and victorious…..your on the other side of the path, the end of chemo is up and coming…and through it all I won’t let go…..sending you sunshine and happiness for the weekend…and always…..xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxkat

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  30. Cancer is the bastard vampire fight of all time….Don’t castigate yourself for the down days; just don’t stay there long. Get yourself an etch-a-sketch; everyday draw your cancer — ugly fangs and glaring eyes — then erase it. Every day. Also get yourself a cuddly stuffed animal and tell all your fears and curse words to him. Remember that this is war. And in war, bravery is what leaks from the eyes of fear…

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  32. Well my friend,we all have a dark sides. We all have positive and negative thoughts .We all have “I can” and ” I can not”. On one “I can not” you must take two “I can”. On one negative thoughts you must take two positive.And finally ,the victory will be yours.Stay strong

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  34. A big *virtual hug* to you. I think you tried to include positive posts because you felt like you were expressing too much negativity? Correct me if I’m wrong but that’s what I’ve gathered.

    I think that you should share everything that you genuinly feel. Do not ponder on whether it is negative, dark and depressing. Because what we see is raw, real emotions and experience. And that is something which is both courageous and enlightening. Your followers will always want to know what you’re dealing with. Stay strong!

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    • You are absolutely correct, I have many post that are what I call ‘downer’ posts because they express negative, darkness, which is part of me and my life. I see you just started following me, and trust me there are many posts here on my blog where I hide nothing, everything about me and my life is here somewhere. Thank you for following my blog, hope you have a great day. 🙂

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