Insomnia Talking (unplugged)

A couple of weeks ago in my post ‘Sleep‘, I wrote the following –

Upon my cancer diagnosis and the treatment plan, I stopped drinking on a regular basis, and now with taking only the medications that are essential in my recovery – my sleep is affected.  Without something to aid me, my usual sleep habit for most of my life is back – basically insomnia.

In today’s post, I write the following –

During one of those sleepless nights, I voice recording my feelings and thoughts.

Here are those words – (unedited & unplugged)


Image Provided by: Brain Core Therapy NC

I am angry – it is 11:45 PM and I am angry and I am pissed off.

I am pissed off because everyone is asleep and I am awake; I am sitting here awake.

I am sitting here awake because I can’t sleep, and I drank.

And I drank so it can help me sleep, but I can’t sleep and I am awake, and I am mad at you and everybody else because you are sleeping and I am not.

And why am I in a bad mood every day, because I can’t sleep?

Because I am mad at you, because you are asleep and I am not?

And I am sitting here awake and I just want to walk and leave and die and be away from everything – but no, I have to sit here.

I have to sit here and deal with this shit and deal with this life that God or somebody gave me.

I have to just deal with everything that is given me and I am supposed to be in a good mood, I am supposed to be happy.

But I can’t be happy because I am sitting here at midnight, awake because I can’t sleep.

And I am mad at you and everybody else that is asleep right now.

I am mad at every one of you because you are asleep and I am not because I sitting here awake because I can’t sleep.

And I am angry and I am mad.

And I want to just kill myself, I want to just die; I just don’t want to be here.

And you don’t understand why I don’t want to be here.

Because this is what I have to deal with every day.

This is what I have to deal with – this – and cancer and everything else in my life.

And you wonder why I don’t want to be here.

It angers me; I don’t want to be here.

The end of the voice recording.

I conclude with the following –

Know my friends, that was just one night that I struggled with major insomnia and since then the nights are much better and no longer sleepless.

Also, know, I am no longer using alcohol to help me sleep.

53 thoughts on “Insomnia Talking (unplugged)

  1. Oh dear Terry – everything seems so much worse in the middle of the night – eh? Especially when you are tired and want to sleep. And I can’t imagine what it feels like to be going through what you are. Let it out. Get it out of you and give the anger to the universe to dissipate. Get it out and carry on the best you can. Sending love and hugs from Mars!! xo

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Glad you are getting some rest. Not sleeping makes everything difficult and dark. I wish you a peaceful sunshine filled day for you to recharge and feel “okay” with yourself.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I just finished chemo and had a mastectomy. During chemo, all I did was sleep. I felt like crap but it was probably the most and best sleep I have had in my life . NOW I can’t sleep though. Ever. I’mean blogging about it too…
    You’really not alone!

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Oh how I can empathize. I have beaten pillows and thrown remote controls and screamed so loud I was afraid the neighbors might think I was being murdered.
    In a way, it feels like murder….these monsters who sneak into our lives and rob us of our health and leave us longing for that ever illusive unconsciousness called sleep. I hope things are better now. 🙂

    Liked by 4 people

    • It is unfortunate there are many of us that go through this and to have to endure it is as you indicated like murder. I am thankful that was just one bad night that I had and the others at that time were not as bad. Thankfully my sleep is much better now – thanks Laurel for stopping by! 🙂


  5. Well that was totally justified anger. And it seems to me that you scared the shoot out of the insomnia since you report you have slept better since. Anger – directed in the right way is very healthy I think and if it has brought you a little more sleep then it was certainly the way to go. 😡 😤 +😱 😳 =😴

    Liked by 1 person

    • My mind was in a bad state that night and the alcohol did not help. Certainly the sleeping is much better now and that time of sleeplessness was short and temporary. Osyth, I hope you are having a bright and sunny day and the foot is doing better, I hope? 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Alcohol is often the villain …. sleeplessness is a torture of course as too many regimes have abused over the centuries (and still do) – my foot is doing very well – it’ll be a while before its perfect if it was ever perfect in the first place! Birdsong and warm breezes from MA to you!

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh, that was hard reading. Those strong, powerful feelings, I can imagine…I felt your feelings whilst reading, and it was almost scary but so real. I am pleased that since then, things have improved, and only hope you being more rested continues. Have a good day my friend. Hugs x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Lynne for your honestly – I was a little reluctant at posting this, but I remind myself, my life is not always one of rainbows. I do have my times of storms and this was one of them. The sleeping is much better now. Happy day to you my good friend! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m glad to know things are better now! This sounds like a really down night. I wonder if there are some blogging friends around the world who are up at that time of night who would be happy to email you or text should you have further sleepless nights. If nothing else, you’ll know you’re not the only one who is awake!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I respect your candor in letting some of that out, Terry. Sleep deprivation is a bitch, for sure, and changes the way we feel about everything. Same for alcohol. Glad this was done in the past tense. Stay strong. We’re in your corner. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I am having a bad day because I drank too many drinks with my medication, couldn’t sleep, it upset my tummy, had to volunteer and am now in bed. Not sleeping drains us emotionally and physically. It’s hard being compliant all the time and looking at people who are not ill, with lots of energy. K x

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Glad to hear that since this bad night you are now sleeping better and not using alcohol. Hoping your sleep continues like this. I’m now the opposite and have a condition that means I sleep alot and fall asleep in the oddest places! One extreme to another! Lots love and best wishes xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  11. You’re a brace man Terry, to post your stormy night fighting those demons. Much braver than I, although I too have been there. So glad to hear that things have improved. Keep well my friend. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I read somewhere not to long ago that insomnia is a serious epidemic although that knowledge is hardly helpful when you’re going through an episode. Glad to hear that you’re sleeping better now and I hope it continues.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. It’s almost 2am, here I am looking up sleep related articles because I just can’t sleep. I feel you completely. I took to drinking for over a year and it really messed me up. It did, however, give me sleep. Something I was eternally grateful for and that blinded me from seeing what the alcohol did to me. The pills stop working, so you take more. When more isn’t enough you take more. When that’s not enough you sit up in the middle of the night, pulling your hair, weeping, screaming into your pillow and in my case trying to pull off a deal with god. Even two three hours would do. Anything, just please let me sleep.
    So when I say I can relate, I really can.
    Here’s hoping for some kind of miracle for all of us, globally sleepless folks.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am sad that you can relate, just because the feeling of not being able to sleep is horrible. I hope it does become better for you and sleep comes with ease. Thank you for stopping by to read and comment, I truly appreciate it.

      Liked by 1 person

      • It truly is horrible and it’s way worse once you factor in the cocktail of crap you take to try and get even an hour or two of sleep. I’m so glad to hear you’re doing better. It gives me hope. I wouldn’t want to be an insomniac all my life. It’s too long. I’m only 24, I’d lose my body faster than I’d lose my mind. Thank you for the hope.

        Liked by 1 person

        • You are welcome. I am unsure if you have ever thought about meditation. I have used it before and it does help – takes practice but ultimately it may bring some relieve to your sleeplessness.


          • I just recently had to stop using pills I started sleep walking. Plus when 30mg of ambien doesn’t knock you out it gets a wee bit annoying!

            Liked by 1 person

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