A couple of weeks ago in my post ‘Sleep‘, I wrote the following –
Upon my cancer diagnosis and the treatment plan, I stopped drinking on a regular basis, and now with taking only the medications that are essential in my recovery – my sleep is affected. Without something to aid me, my usual sleep habit for most of my life is back – basically insomnia.
In today’s post, I write the following –
During one of those sleepless nights, I voice recording my feelings and thoughts.
Here are those words – (unedited & unplugged)
I am angry – it is 11:45 PM and I am angry and I am pissed off.
I am pissed off because everyone is asleep and I am awake; I am sitting here awake.
I am sitting here awake because I can’t sleep, and I drank.
And I drank so it can help me sleep, but I can’t sleep and I am awake, and I am mad at you and everybody else because you are sleeping and I am not.
And why am I in a bad mood every day, because I can’t sleep?
Because I am mad at you, because you are asleep and I am not?
And I am sitting here awake and I just want to walk and leave and die and be away from everything – but no, I have to sit here.
I have to sit here and deal with this shit and deal with this life that God or somebody gave me.
I have to just deal with everything that is given me and I am supposed to be in a good mood, I am supposed to be happy.
But I can’t be happy because I am sitting here at midnight, awake because I can’t sleep.
And I am mad at you and everybody else that is asleep right now.
I am mad at every one of you because you are asleep and I am not because I sitting here awake because I can’t sleep.
And I am angry and I am mad.
And I want to just kill myself, I want to just die; I just don’t want to be here.
And you don’t understand why I don’t want to be here.
Because this is what I have to deal with every day.
This is what I have to deal with – this – and cancer and everything else in my life.
And you wonder why I don’t want to be here.
It angers me; I don’t want to be here.
The end of the voice recording.
I conclude with the following –
Know my friends, that was just one night that I struggled with major insomnia and since then the nights are much better and no longer sleepless.
Also, know, I am no longer using alcohol to help me sleep.