Why did I start my blog when I did? I wanted to write down my thoughts and feelings and write a book. Did I start it when I did because subconsciously I knew my life would be coming to an end soon due to cancer?
Will the cancer I have potentially take my life? Is the reason I started my blog a year and a half ago; so, my thoughts, my life, my events, my experiences would be in writing?
Do we know subconsciously when we are going to die?
My grandmother was 99 years old and was weak when her sister-in-law decided to come visit. They had not seen each other for decades, as their ages had prevented them from doing much traveling. But my grandmother who was weak, waiting until her sister-in-law came to visit; she had one more thing to do. After the visit she said it was time and she died within a few days.
Gary’s dad waited for the lawyer to come over to the house to sign the updated Will that morning. Upon the leaving of the lawyer, he died within a few hours later. It was as if he knew his time had arrived but needed to do one more thing before leaving this world.
Is my one more thing this blog? It could be, then again, I have no idea what my one more thing is. Do I feel that I am going to die soon? Hum, good question; sometimes my answer is yes.
There are many posts here on my blog, including those posts about my suicide attempts in my 20s. I have written several posts about suicide and death. And there are posts I have written about dying and leaving something behind. Are these posts and the posts recounting events of decades ago and the posts about events of current; are they my one more thing?
It was September of last year when it started – the health issue, it was noticed then – the day before my son #3’s wedding. Before the first diagnosis, I knew it was cancer when others suggested it was not. I know my body well enough and it was telling me something – I knew what that something was. Then came the first surgery and a few months later would be the second surgery. I knew before that second surgery it would not be the last one and it would not be the end – there was more to come – and soon! I felt it, I knew it, my body was telling me there would be more to come.
The more to come is here and at times I feel it is my last thing: my one more thing. I remain optimistic and realistic; as I plan to be here for a while longer. But I feel there is more to come concerning my health, my cancer – and soon. I feel it, I know it, my body is telling me there is more to come. Am I pessimistic? No, I do not think so, because I know my body well enough and it is telling me something.
Is this blog my one more thing?