One more thing?

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Why did I start my blog when I did?  I wanted to write down my thoughts and feelings and write a book.  Did I start it when I did because subconsciously I knew my life would be coming to an end soon due to cancer?

Will the cancer I have potentially take my life?  Is the reason I started my blog a year and a half ago; so, my thoughts, my life, my events, my experiences would be in writing?

Do we know subconsciously when we are going to die?

My grandmother was 99 years old and was weak when her sister-in-law decided to come visit.  They had not seen each other for decades, as their ages had prevented them from doing much traveling.  But my grandmother who was weak, waiting until her sister-in-law came to visit; she had one more thing to do.  After the visit she said it was time and she died within a few days.

Gary’s dad waited for the lawyer to come over to the house to sign the updated Will that morning.  Upon the leaving of the lawyer, he died within a few hours later.  It was as if he knew his time had arrived but needed to do one more thing before leaving this world.

Is my one more thing this blog?  It could be, then again, I have no idea what my one more thing is.  Do I feel that I am going to die soon?  Hum, good question; sometimes my answer is yes.

There are many posts here on my blog, including those posts about my suicide attempts in my 20s.  I have written several posts about suicide and death.  And there are posts I have written about dying and leaving something behind.  Are these posts and the posts recounting events of decades ago and the posts about events of current; are they my one more thing?

It was September of last year when it started – the health issue, it was noticed then – the day before my son #3’s wedding.  Before the first diagnosis, I knew it was cancer when others suggested it was not.  I know my body well enough and it was telling me something – I knew what that something was.  Then came the first surgery and a few months later would be the second surgery.  I knew before that second surgery it would not be the last one and it would not be the end – there was more to come – and soon!  I felt it, I knew it, my body was telling me there would be more to come.

The more to come is here and at times I feel it is my last thing: my one more thing.  I remain optimistic and realistic; as I plan to be here for a while longer.  But I feel there is more to come concerning my health, my cancer – and soon.  I feel it, I know it, my body is telling me there is more to come.  Am I pessimistic?  No, I do not think so, because I know my body well enough and it is telling me something.

Is this blog my one more thing?

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60 thoughts on “One more thing?”

  2. Hopefully you have many more things. This blog is just one of your good things. We are all conditioned to fear death and not talk about it aren’t we? It’s all about getting better, but if someone (and I’m not saying that someone is you) won’t get better then people don’t know what to say/do. I can’t imagine how I’d be myself. I do hope your fears aren’t’ realised. x

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    • Beth, this post of thoughts is just one of many that come to me while dealing with different emotions during my illness. I do not feel this way all the time, but as this blog is about my life, I do allow all my thoughts to be written here. I always appreciate your comments – have a happy day my friend! 🙂

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  4. I hope this is not your “one more thing”. If it is, you have left a forever testimony to love, optimism in the face of terrible trial and gentle kindness. That is no small thing, my friend.
    Still, I am wishing you many more things…😊

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  6. If your blog is your “one last thing” then you have to write every single day. You aren’t allowed to leave as long as there is “one more blog” to write. That will be your driving force…..”I can’t leave today…I have things to write.”

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  7. I don’t know if this is your one more thing. I sincerely hope this is just another thing, and you have plenty more ‘one more things’ to do. I know you know your body well, but still there is always hope and a chance. I think sometimes we think too hard, and it is almost as though we condition our minds to be what it is that we are thinking (if that makes any sense) be it negative or positive. I also think that sometimes if we don’t want something to happen, sometimes it happens. As I always say just take each day as it comes, and enjoy each day to it’s fullest, and just do the things you want to do, because lets face it, life is weird, out minds play tricks on us, so who really knows my friend. Have a beautiful day 🙂 x

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    • Lynne, I agree with you about the conditioning our minds to do what we think and the thinking too hard – makes perfect sense to me. When I write these types of posts it is because I do really feel this way – not all the time – but sometimes. I never want to hide this type of thinking from my blog – it as well as the good stuff is part of me. I am very thankful I have many true friends here to help me along the way – certainly including you – you are special! 🙂

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  8. Of course I hope you are wrong. I will not accuse you of being a pessimist. I would tag you a realist. When my father was eventually diagnosed (after a wild goose chase concerning his non-life threatening Prostate Cancer) with mesothelioma he knew he was well advanced and he new he was incurable. There is no cure. He didn’t really battle because he felt his time had come. In fact he had always annoyed my mother by telling her he would be lucky if he made his three score years and ten. He was that plus 5 when he died. And he gave in and it was not foolish. He knew it was his time and he let go. You know your body better than anyone. I can rah and I can cheer lead and I can tell you all will be well. It will be because if it really is your one last thing then it IS your time, just like it was your grandmother’s time at 99 not 100. I hope you won’t take what I am saying the wrong way, my dear, dear friend but Que Sera Sera, yes? And what I want for you is that whatever time you have (and lets’ face facts, none of us know when the clock will start ticking for the end of the game) that is is good time, that is is warm time, that it is loved time. And so I send you my love to add to your coffer and I send a little wish to the Universe, because I am selfish, that you are wrong.

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    • Osyth, I appreciate you being selfish – as it certainly lets me know you care and are a special friend. From day one of this blog, one goal was for me to write from my heart, soul and brain. I write good posts with thoughts full of optimism as well as posts such as this one that I refer to as a ‘downer post’. I am realistic about my future and know the facts and know my body. Time will tell what the future will hold. I appreciate you being my cheerleader, truly I do – big hugs dear. 🙂

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  9. Oh Terry – So many friends here have already commented with so many wonderful, encouraging, loving thoughts. I trust you know your body, and I trust you also know there are always things beyond our control – including miracles. Keep writing every day. Your honesty expresses what so many feel, but are afraid or embarrassed to say. I daresay you have already left an amazing legacy for a time – oh – maybe 40 some years from now that will be read by many for it’s honesty and helpfulness to others – full of wonderful wisdom. Full of your bright light. Full of love. Full of kindness and goodness. You are something very special Terry! Very special indeed! ❤ Hugs from Mars!

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    • Jodi, thank you for a wonderful comment full of words of encouragement. I do like your words about the miracles, I will certainly keep that in mind. Most times I am very optimistic but have my days I feel opposite because of what my body tells me. All my thoughts are here on my blog – the good and the bad. I am fortunate for wonderful friends such as yourself. Thank you for the hugs, I truly appreciate you. 🙂

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  10. Lately, I am spending lots of time with my neighbor and friend these days. She has just been diagnosed with stage IV pancreatic cancer; it already spread to her lungs and liver. Her live expectancy is 2 to 3 months, according to the doctors.

    She is a nurse, a fun person to be around with and a realist -like me. She is also an internal optimist and someone who is always in a good mood. She hasn’t given up; she is fighting this damn disease -like so many before her.

    There is not a form of cancer out there, that hasn’t been beaten by someone against all the odds.

    Let’s not fool ourselves, we all die one day, that’s just how it goes. Some of us will leave the house in the morning and won’t come back at night, some of us will be allowed to die in our sleep, while others will be taken by a disease. Nobody here on Earth is meant to stay..it’s as simple as that. We are here for a temporary visit ONLY!

    I heard the words, “Bring your affairs in order,” once myself. We all think bout death when we are confronted with diagnoses like cancer -I was no exception. But sooner or later we need to snap out of it.

    No more self-pity, put on your big boy pants and continue to fight. Stop thinking about death you are alive and kicking!

    I hope I didn’t offend you with my honest reply.

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    • No offence taken Bridget, I appreciate your honesty! My blog is full of posts with optimism and some ‘downer posts’ such as this one. My goal of this blog was to write what is on my mind – the good and bad. Thank you for your support and encouragement – have a happy day my friend! 🙂

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  12. I continuously think of the legacy that I am leaving behind. Lord knows it won’t be any large sum of money for my kids, nor will it be any valuable discovery. I continue to come back to the fact that my legacy will be my writing. That is why I continue to write my journal as often as I can about the things that impact my life – in the hopes that one day, my kids may read those entries to truly understand who their mother was and to perhaps see where some of their characteristics come from. I do this because I know one day I am going to die and I want to make sure that my family, but especially my children will KNOW who their mother was. I think it’s important.
    You cannot control the thoughts you have or when you have them. You are who you are. Some days you will think of nothing but death and “getting your affairs in order” and other days you will focus on the value of each day and think nothing but happy thoughts. Live each day as it comes – whether it’s good or bad, just live it.
    My thoughts are continuously with you on this journey of yours.

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    • Thank you Nettie for your comment, and I totally agree – the same reason I started this blog – something to leave for my kids. I understand you and appreciate you very much. Thank you again and for your thoughts – happy day my friend! 🙂

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  14. I pray that you have numerous one more things. I think it was meant to be that you started when you did. I imagine your blog has helped you through these difficult times. Sending prayers your way!

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    • Thank you Antonia, I do believe this blog was started at a specific time in my life for this very reason – cancer – not necessarily my death. I write the thoughts I have those that are good as well as bad – here for anyone to read. I appreciate your prayers – happy day my friend! 🙂

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  17. Being real is so part of acceptance of where you are, what your doing there and only, and I mean that, only wondering about the future…speculation at best….its wonderful to be in tune with your body…listen to it….let it lead you both down this path hand in hand so to say…but don’t underestimate your body….I have found that our bodies can take so much more than we feel they can….we may feel exhausted and beat up, drained of energy….but if you ask nicely, if you gently push, not shove, on most occasions your body will respond…..I have known more people than I can remember that have stated they know its time…the wait is over and time to go….I am optimistic that you have not reached that time yet…you have so much you haven’t done, so many places that you need to see…I am hoping that your feeling your body say, I am tired, I have chemo toxins running through my veins and organs….I feel like you, its not over yet, but I don’t mean your life, I mean your journey with this disease….it has not let go yet…next step…keep smiling my friend, I think of you often, speak of you daily to my husband and whisper wishes to the moon as tears run down my cheeks…..even though we have never met, never hugged, never held hands, I feel you Terry….in my heart and on the wind……I am there with you….and sending moon beams to you nightly!!! xxxkat

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  18. I so wish I could meet you in person Terry and give you a big grand hug! Of course you will have the downer days (as I’ve had even with a silly traction device on my hand). But in the end, YOUR body and YOUR mind tells you what it needs and doesn’t need. If your mind and/or body want a downer day, then so be it! I do know you will have many more “somethings” before all is said and done, just because. lol.. XOXOXOXO!

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  19. We are all well advised to greet each day as though it is our last but it would be wrong to stop hoping for tomorrows. If this blog is your last thing, it is a good thing and don’t stop enjoying it, using it, leaning on it. You are strong and you are brave and you have a lot of people wishing you the very best. xx

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  20. Hi Terry, you sound much less anxious about the future, whatever it may hold. Our bodies and instinct tell us so much but the side effects and trauma of chemotherapy may alter the reality. Being optimistic with a sensible attitude would seem to be the best way to deal with this and I admire you for your tenacity. I bet you feel significantly more optimistic after your vacation. K x

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  21. Terry, sometimes sharing our deepest feelings is like purging our soul of the fear and hold they have on us. And can help us to feel hope once again. This was very moving and brave, opening up and sharing your true feelings in these moments. Hugs!!!

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    • From day one of this blog, it has always been about my thoughts, feelings and emotions – all of it. This is just one of those sides of me I share among all the others. Thanks dear for your comment as I always appreciate them and you very much. Hope your week is going well.

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