too many variables

Several days ago, in my post ‘the next 9 days‘, I wrote about having an appointment with my Oncologist Dr. D. last Friday.  That appointment was to discuss the results of my MRI I had the previous day and the future plans regarding the current pain I am experiencing.

Before I proceed, let me fill you in on some details about my current health.  I have Stage 4 bladder cancer and have an upcoming major surgery planned and past posts have me explaining the significance of my cancer and my upcoming surgery.

The significance of my cancer is the survival rate after 5 years is slim.  The significance of my surgery is to remove the source of the cancer because it has a very high percentage rate of coming back.  In fact, it already has – even after 12 weeks of chemotherapy last year, there is already a new tumor in my bladder.


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Before I proceed, let me fill you in on some details about Gary.  He retired from the United States Army as a Lieutenant Colonel after serving 22 years.  As a Medevac helicopter pilot, he has commanded others during times of crises and he also has held positions of Comptroller overseeing military hospitals.

Gary’s military commander experiences inspire him to have a strong personality and at times he can be a little dynamic.  This background also aides him in taking control of situations and being prepared as much as possible.  With his comptroller experience; he likes numbers and working with those numbers in various equations always end with a precise exact result.


Gary has been by my side each day, going with me to doctor visits and he sees the pain I have experienced.

Last Friday the appointment with Dr. D. had Gary asking questions during a time of crisis, looking at various equations and wanting a precise exact result.

Dr. D. is unable to provide some answers and a precise exact result Gary wants.  She did however provide her view based on her expertise about my cancer and my future.

The appointment last Friday had Dr. D. indicating the cancer may have spread to my nerves based on the information I had provided her concerning my recent pain.  My cancer has already spread to my abdominal lymph-nodes and there is a new tumor in my bladder.  The cancer could be elsewhere now, but too small to detect.

Based on my current pain and the significance and type of my cancer, the future certainly holds some uncertainties.

Last Friday, we are still in Dr. D.’s main area where the patient rooms are located and before leaving I had to make a restroom stop.  Upon my return, Dr. D. has her hand on Gary’s shoulder comforting him as tears flow from his eyes.


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He wants to command a crisis that is not in his control and he wants precise exact results for an equation that has too many variables.

He wants me to be well, happy and out of pain.

72 thoughts on “too many variables

  1. Oh Terry – you are so blessed to have your Gary! He sounds a lot like my hubby! He wants to be strong and in control of crises and fix things, but not all are in our control, and we are all vulnerable. Please send him my love and my thanks for taking care of you like he does. Every time you share a photo of him, it makes me smile. His joy is contagious! I see why you love him ❤

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  2. I know how you feel and I know how he feels. A good friend told me once to step back. We can’t control life, not when we are sick and not when we are healthy. We all are here today, why don’t we make the best out of it and live it, like it could be the last one?

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  3. I lost a friend to lung cancer in 2014 and then one to a heart attack the next year. I am praying and cheering for your recovary and I am happy that you have Gary by your side. You both look like brothers in the first picture. I just talked to my boyfriend about how uncertain life is and still there are so many certainties. Lots of love to you dear, I hope for the best for you. You inspire me. 🙂 Have a wonderful day ahead.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Having some trouble again with WP I read Kat was too, opening up WP reader??? Could be because we are away? Anyway my friend, I believe I would need a sedative for anxiety about now! Yes, I would indeed see my PCP for some to assist in coping. I, like all your followers want only the best for you now and always. Taking one day at a time is not easy. I am sending to you both Huge Caribbean Hugs today.

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  5. Stats don’t lie but they are also not absolute. My mama had cervical cancer when she was 33. By the time they caught it, it had spread to almost every part of her female anatomy. After they gutted her, they gave her 5 years to live.
    She died at 80 and only after a fall that caused a brain bleed.
    The brain is a wonderful thing. Positive thinking can work miracles…not to mention having a fabulous partner like Gary.

    Odds? You beat them.
    Statistics? You spit in their eye.

    Sojourn on and say “I WON!”

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  6. Both my husband and I feared the worst after I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in 2005, which had spread to my lymph nodes and lungs. Twelve years later I am still here, a little bit battered around the edges, but relatively well and in remission. The lung mets are still there, but they do not bother me at all, and haven’t grown. The affected lymph nodes were taken out by two neck dissection surgeries. The body is a wonderful thing; it has the capacity to heal itself. I’ve learned to live one day at a time and I try to keep positive. It’s all we can do.

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  7. Oh I can so empathise with Gary. The thing I hate most in the world is not being able to quantify and control — especially to take away suffering of those I love. I can only imagine what you are both going through. Sending you both a huge enveloping hug.

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  8. Hi Terry, I am so sorry that the doctor’s prognosis was not what either of you wanted to hear. I so wish there was some kind of magic wand but I guess modern medicine is almost magic. It seems particular unfair that you should have so much pain along with the cancer and I hope some of the meds are helping with that. I am sending you a kiss and one for Gary, too. Love K xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Kerry, I am on a lot of pain meds to deal with the pain I am currently experiencing – it helps but also makes me very tired and drowsy. I remain positive about the future and take everything one day at a time. Thank you for caring for us both. 🙂

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  9. We all want you to be well, happy and out of pain. I’m so glad you and Gary are there for one another. It must be so hard for him to watch you go through the pain and uncertainty, and then feel that he can’t control the situation. Blessing to you both as you go through this together.

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  10. Oh Gary, bless your heart for being such a compassionate partner for Terry. He sure needs your support, which I know you give with all your heart. I love that you are a patient advocate for Terry because sometimes the information a doctor provides can be overwhelming while trying to take in your future health. XOXO to the both of you!

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  11. I’m sorry to read this Gary. I’m glad you are on good pain med’s and feeling ok and hopefully things turn out much better than they think possible . Sounds like you have a very loving, caring partner there who thinks the world of you.

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  12. It is true that we can’t control everything but the desire to do so when you are a doer and fixer, a problem solver and the crisis involves the man you love with all your heart and soul is heartbreakingly hard. I can’t solve your problem but I can send you both my heartfelt warm wishes, love and strength and I can keep you both close and constant in my thoughts and I can be here whenever you need me. Either of you, both of you. Warmest hugs and wishes over the ether to you

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Osyth, Gary and I both appreciate your heartfelt hugs and wishes. We both know how fortunate we are to have you and others here to listen and to encourage as we both go through this journey. 🙂


  13. We always wish that we could take away the pain, stop what’s happening to our loved ones, its so hard. Somehow we find the courage, as you both will. My thoughts are with you both, you are lucky to have someone who loves and cares for you. My best wishes to you both, Anna.

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  14. Tell Gary I have hot tears running down my cheeks and dripping off my face….I too, like him want to take control and make this crisis all go away and have a finish date that you will be all better and get on with life….I hate that cancer can reek such havoc on all life’s that it touches…causes such pain and heartache…Terry I believe that you will fight back from this nasty cancer and come out on the other side ready to start living life at its fullest….keep smiling my friend, you have one of the best smiles I have ever seen….give Gary my love…..xxxkat

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have tears at this moment, a very nice and kind comment you leave for me kat. I hate what is taking place right now and I have tears for me also – but I will remind myself I must remain strong – and that I will. Thanks dear for your friendship. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  15. It hit me too and tears came pouring out in rivers. I know I’m reading posts backward, sorry.
    Yeah, I want it all to just stop.
    And of course, he wants answers that he can grasp onto. And your pain to stop. And he wants it all to stop for both of you and I’m sure you do too. I’m babbling. Apologies. I get it, I’m so sorry you guys are going through this cr*p.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I agree with you on that WP Reader issue Terry. I don’t rely on it at all since some time ago it was easy to see posts were “missing”…and I even see it “reshuffle” posts at times. You guys are fortunate to have each other. In a world of uncertainty and unknown that much is certain and known. Stay strong!

    Liked by 1 person

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