I remain grateful (Reader Discretion Is Advised)

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We are not far along into the new year and I hope all is well with each one of you.

Today has many unknowns for me as it did a year ago at this time.

Last year had me diagnosed with superficial bladder cancer, followed by 2 surgeries and then the upgrade to Stage 4 Bladder Cancer, followed by 12 weeks of chemotherapy.

In 5 days, this coming Monday, I will have a major surgery to continue the journey that started more than a year ago.

Once the surgery takes place, there will be more to come that currently is unknown.

Once the surgery takes place, there will be more to come that is certain.

Let me be honest – I have always been honest here on my blog and at times direct.

I will no longer have control of my urination and I will no longer produce sperm and possibly no longer have an erection.

Let me be honest, again, I have always been honest here on my blog and at times direct.

I have no problems no longer producing sperm and I have no problems with no longer having an erection.

However, it does bother me some to no longer have control of my urination.  It seems odd that this would bother me, but it does.  I took for granted things in my life, one of them is having control of my urination.  Think about this for a minute; as men grow older, the whole producing of sperm and lack of erection can happen.  And there are pills for that – not that I am interested – but they are available.  But never had I thought about not having control of my urination.

In 5 days, this coming Monday, I will no longer have control of my urination.

Let me be honest, one more time, I have always been honest here on my blog and at times direct.

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Image Provided by: spearfruit.com

In 5 days, this coming Monday, I will have a stoma or also referred to as a urostomy, an ileal conduit or urinary diversion.

I will have a pouch or bag on the outside of my body to collect my urine.  I will no longer have control of my urination.

This bothers me some – but I will accept it and I will become accustomed to it and I will live with it.

Soon the unknowns will become knowns and there will be more to come that is certain.

What I do know today; is I will remain grateful.

For after all that has taken place last year and all that is to come next week and the months to follow; I still have many things to be grateful for.

I have a spouse who is my caregiver, who is always here for me.

I have a home, a place to live, a place to shelter in.

I have a family, both near and far, who support me.

And I have you my friends, who are never more than a comment away with support, encouragement, thoughts and prayers.

I remain grateful.

72 thoughts on “I remain grateful (Reader Discretion Is Advised)”

  5. I admire you for your honesty, its the only way to be. I cannot understand what it will be like for you, how could anyone unless they have been through the same. I did have an Aunt a long time ago now who had “the bag” as she called it, in those days and she lived in Ireland they were not open and honest about these things. You are as I have said before an extremely brave man, you have lots of love from those closest to you, and be assured you have love from your Friends here on the internet, I will be thinking of you, and if I may I will pray for you. I wish you only the best, Anna.

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    • Anna, I always wanted to be honest here on my blog, it was and still is very important to me. I am fortunate have many readers who appreciate it also. Thank you for reading and commenting. 🙂

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  6. This will sound odd, but I’d trade you places in a heart beat…no longer to have to worry about the bladder would be so freeing (to me). Mine is worn out and I’m now one of those who wears diapers, and it’s embarrassing and humiliating on a level I didn’t expect. You will have a bag, and nature (gravity etc) will take care of the problem of pee. I have an old friend who is a quadriplegic and she’s had to wear one for years (has her bladder, has no control obviously)…and she copes. She said to me once “We do what we have to when faced with challenges” and I think that’s true. You’ve shown so much grace during this that you have become, yourself, a great example to people like me who need to be reminded that there is a better way to deal with situations beyond our control. Thank you! ❤

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    • Thank you Embeecee for your honesty also, as we grow older and ‘things’ happen, we unfortunately have to deal with unpleasant things in our lives. I guess we just deal with them the best we can. I hope you truly know I wish you the best and appreciate you very much.

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  7. Unknowns are the pits. End of. That you take the time to be grateful for what you have is quite splendiferous – a bigger, better, decenter (it isn’t a word apparently but I like it so it can stay) stronger human than I will ever be. You have every right to kick and scream and cry but instead you take the time, in the midst of all these unknowns (and I would be very upset about having to wear a bag or not being able to produce sperm even though I actually can’t now or have an erection even though I can’t do that either because it is being done to rather than just fading out naturally and because I like to be in control or at least think I am) so I think you have every right to be whatever you are and I am yet again humbled that you take the time to recognise what you have to be grateful for. YOu are so special, Terry and I send you all the warmth and care I can muster from here in FRance where I am looking at the Alps from my window and thinking of that song from The Sound of Music – ‘Climb Every Mountain’ … boy does it fit you well.

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    • As usual, you never fail to make me smile, thank you! I am just being me here on my blog and others telling me they are humbled by my words, well I have no words to describe my feelings. Thank you Osyth for always reading and commenting – you are a special friend. 🙂

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  10. I think the saying is….You are one in a million my friend, meaning that you are incredibly special in every way. This post has brought tears to my eyes, all that you are going through, and you still have such an amazing outlook on things, seeing the positive and are so grateful. Thank you for being you. Hugs 🙂 x

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  11. Eh…peeing in the pot isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and I have always found that you boys miss half the time anyway. (You know I’m trying to make you laugh.)
    Seriously, I hope more than anything that you pull through this with as little pain as possible. It will be a life changing thing but you are strong and you will handle it with grace and dignity.
    It’s okay to be scared and it’s okay to be angry. It’s NOT okay, though, for you to leave us.
    Sending you and Gary hugs. 🙂

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  13. Terry, I am so sorry for all you (and your body) are having to endure. Despite everything, your candor- with such grace and dignity, is an inspiration to all. Thank you to you and Gary for leading by example, a life of mindfulness, gratefulness, and compassion. Many, many prayers of peace and healing being sent your way. xo

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  14. Not knowing that’s the most terrifying thing. Trying to figure out how it will feel, how it will be is often the worst nightmare. It’s stunning what we human beings can cope with when needed. We accept and adapt to changes when there is no other option.

    I wish you a speedy recovery! You are in my thoughts.

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    • You are correct, our bodies do adapt and cope very well and I know others who have to deal with similar situations I will also adapt and accept as well. Thanks for stopping by today Bridget.

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  17. I love how you see the positive at all times….Our niece had bladder cancer and how has an ileostomy…she was fearful at the thought of peeing in a bag uncontrollably, hated the thought of it….but now that its been several years….its second nature, like you she saw the positive side of life, happy to be alive, happy that she can and still does ride her horses…she didn’t care if she ever had sex again..LOl as we age some of us just don’t want to bother not matter what with that…Terry, I am so proud to call you my friend, you give me strength in how you are handling what has been handed to you….I am pretty sure I would not have the same outlook as you do…..your in my thoughts, and I send you love and energy every day even though I am not here checking in every daily…..you are in my heart and thoughts….the fear of the unknown is one of the worst fears in my opinion that there is…but you have climbed those mountains put in front of you already with the fear of the unknown and have come out strong and better for it…..I will hold he fear for you, you just focus on getting stronger. I will give the fear back to you after your home with Gary and looking back on this and saying I made it…I can take the fear back!!! Give Gary a hug for me and tell him we are all standing beside him too….xxxxxkat

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  20. This is a very tough time my dear friend. You are honest open and grateful! I am always inspired when I read your thoughts and posts. This would be very difficult and your feelings are of course understandable! My warm wishes and feelings of comfort for you and Gary! Much love sweetie xxxxx

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  22. I hate to repeat what others have already said especially when they have said it much better than I could. Plus I always want to be original. lol
    Yes, you say you’re just being you but thank you for just being you. Your honesty, directness, pain, anger, fear, gratitude, love, and most of all never ending ability to keep putting the next foot firmly forward. And also a huge thank you to you and Gary for him becoming a more visible part of your blog journey for us to share.
    It’s funny how each of us can have completely different fears when faced with terrible situations like your upcoming surgery and its consequences. Without going into boring details I remember a conversation years ago I had with a friend in regards to what our biggest fears were if we were diagnosed with breast cancer and both of us had very different fears. (Both of our mothers had survived it and at the time my friend had just been diagnosed).
    Nevertheless, You are very right in saying that you are truly blessed in all the ways that count with the love and support of Gary, your family, friends, us etc. Don’t ever forget it. So many people can’t count the same blessings. ❤

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    • Amanda, you leaving any comment is always appreciated here – you know that, right? Thank you for reading and commenting, the words you write I take in and they help me along this journey I am taking. Thank you again my friend – have a wonderful day! 🙂

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  25. I wouldn’t want to lose control of my urination, either. Nor would I want to have bladder cancer. Bravo to you for continuing to be as upbeat as you can be and facing what comes with commonsense. It is hard to fully realize how lucky we are compare to others. I struggle with it. Much love K xx

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  29. Hey man… I know that I have read your post a few days ago. It touched me; to a point that the other night, I dreamt about you and Garry, you had a hat on, kinda cowboy like, but not as extreme as Texas Rangers. You were in good humor, as you walked inside the hospital, we met as we were leaving. 5 years ago, my wife got a big “Mother” of a cancer; a stage 3, grade 4, a 10x10cm tumor on her kidney… Nephrectomy…. She survived, but our couple was never the same after, even if I think I was a good carer. She was never the same after, kissing Death on the lips would leave you like that. I admire her, I admire you, even if I have made my peace if – God forbid- it would happen to me. My Mother died of Cancer when I was 25, she was 49, cervical cancer, and a love for bad wine to drown bad memories. Destructive… I am not really sure where I want to go with this, apart from the fact that I feel blessed that our roads have crossed. You are a very brave man in so many ways, I respect people like you. If you guys fancy visiting our crazy Island one day, give me a shout. You rock like hell, Garry the helicopter guy rocks like hell, when I cannot even jump on a plane. Spread your arms, look at the sunset and scream: ” Freedom ya Mothers!!!” ‘cos you know what it feels like to be free… Fair play to you my friend… Fair play!!!

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    • Franck, I read your comment yesterday early morning and several times yesterday and again this morning. It has taken me a day to respond because your comment had me feeling many emotions. I had to take my emotions and think about where they were coming from and why. First of all, I am sorry to hear about the loss of your mother and the experience both you and your wife went though. Life throws situations at us we are not always prepared for and we just do the best we can each day. For you to write you feel blessed our roads have crossed is the best compliment anyone could give. This blog is me writing down my experiences and feelings and emotions and for others to feel something and get something out of it – I am humbled and honored. Thank you for being a friend and being honest and sincere. I hope to one day take a trip to your island and meet you – what a privilege that would be. Have a happy day my friend, I truly appreciate you.

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      • Hey man… You are welcome; sometimes, things get stuck in my head, I like to react with raw and emotional honesty. I meant what I said, and if you make it to my Island one day, I will be very happy to show you around, chat and enjoy the moment. Yes, I mean what I said, and I appreciate you too, you are a true legend. There is a wonderful book in you ( people say that to me often at work… It kind of pisses me off, because I know they might be right…). No pressure. Keep on a rockin’, life can be good! 🙂

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