Almost one year ago today my post ‘it’s not a dream‘, began with these words –
I woke this morning my usual time between 4-5 AM with the same thoughts on my mind as I had when I laid my head down on the pillow the night before. As I am drinking my coffee I think about these thoughts and I think to myself ‘Was that a dream?’ Then it occurs to me, ‘No it’s not a dream.’ The events of the day before really did occur.
Almost one year later in this post, I begin with the following words –
Many of you know what took place last year and what has taken place so far this very young year.
There are times I write my thoughts down or voice record them for future use in a post. Sometimes these thoughts are then forgotten for a while until a later time when I want to write a post about them. Some of these thoughts were documented when I was in a certain mood or having specific feelings about my life at a particular time.
The following is some of that documentation; it was sometime last year, before Stage 4, before chemotherapy, before surgery and before recovery –
I do not feel inspirational, I do not feel strong, I do not feel anything. You my friends write comments with compliments. I wake in the mornings to feel pain and I cry. Not because of the cancer, not because I am dealing with stuff of the day. I feel nobody understands, I know it is just me – I am not receiving the support and interest that I want. It upsets me because I really do not feel anyone is really interested in me. I know people are, and my family is, but I really do not feel they are – I feel like I am going through this alone. Really, nobody is truly interested. I get on the phone and when I do receive a phone call, I just say ‘It is all good, everything will be fine.’ ‘I have some aches and pains.’ But truly I do not want them to know what I really am feeling. I do not sugarcoat it but do not want to give them all the information because I do not want to bring them down. I do not feel inspirational, I am just dealing with anger, dealing with pain, dealing with tiredness. I do not feel grateful or thankful or happy – I have no motivation. I do not feel anything positive right now, everything right now is an effort – nothing is great – I just exist.
Today, in this post, I want to conclude with the following –
But then it changed. Why? Because the body became sicker and the illness more serious?
What changed is I received a great deal of support and encouragement from you.
I am currently recovering from my surgery and I continue to receive support and encouragement from you – just what the doctor ordered.
(Note: my responses to your comments will be delayed this week. Please understand I continue to be in recovery mode and am moving slow.)