Then it changed

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Almost one year ago today my post ‘it’s not a dream‘, began with these words –

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I woke this morning my usual time between 4-5 AM with the same thoughts on my mind as I had when I laid my head down on the pillow the night before.  As I am drinking my coffee I think about these thoughts and I think to myself ‘Was that a dream?’  Then it occurs to me, ‘No it’s not a dream.’  The events of the day before really did occur.

Almost one year later in this post, I begin with the following words –

Many of you know what took place last year and what has taken place so far this very young year.

There are times I write my thoughts down or voice record them for future use in a post.  Sometimes these thoughts are then forgotten for a while until a later time when I want to write a post about them.  Some of these thoughts were documented when I was in a certain mood or having specific feelings about my life at a particular time.

The following is some of that documentation; it was sometime last year, before Stage 4, before chemotherapy, before surgery and before recovery –

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I do not feel inspirational, I do not feel strong, I do not feel anything.  You my friends write comments with compliments.  I wake in the mornings to feel pain and I cry.  Not because of the cancer, not because I am dealing with stuff of the day.  I feel nobody understands, I know it is just me – I am not receiving the support and interest that I want.  It upsets me because I really do not feel anyone is really interested in me.  I know people are, and my family is, but I really do not feel they are – I feel like I am going through this alone.  Really, nobody is truly interested.  I get on the phone and when I do receive a phone call, I just say ‘It is all good, everything will be fine.’  ‘I have some aches and pains.’  But truly I do not want them to know what I really am feeling.  I do not sugarcoat it but do not want to give them all the information because I do not want to bring them down.  I do not feel inspirational, I am just dealing with anger, dealing with pain, dealing with tiredness.  I do not feel grateful or thankful or happy – I have no motivation.  I do not feel anything positive right now, everything right now is an effort – nothing is great – I just exist.

Today, in this post, I want to conclude with the following –

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But then it changed.  Why?  Because the body became sicker and the illness more serious?

What changed is I received a great deal of support and encouragement from you.

I am currently recovering from my surgery and I continue to receive support and encouragement from you – just what the doctor ordered.

(Note: my responses to your comments will be delayed this week.  Please understand I continue to be in recovery mode and am moving slow.)

49 thoughts on “Then it changed”

  2. Wow! This post is powerful! I wish you nothing but well wishes during your recovery! Sometimes life has an interesting way of handing you the support from total strangers when you don’t get it from other places. God bless you on this journey! Xx, S.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply ↓

  4. You absolutely do NOT need to make any response. All that I, and all your other friends on here want, is for you to put what energy you have into healing. We are all right here, for you, sending you strength, courage and warmth. Hugs, many many hugs and my healing thoughts across the water, gift wrapped and addressed exclusively to you 🎁 🌈 ☀️ 🌺 ⭐️

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply ↓

  5. I’m so glad that people stepped up for you and showed you the support that you needed to see and hear. As you’ve just adhered to, no matter what many claim there’s only so much that we can draw from within ourselves. All of us need others; it’s called being human!
    Thank you for appreciating all of your readers and followers who now feel as if they are real friends as much as you do. This kind of post blog is what creates true caring and loyalty, above and beyond a mere blogging relationship.
    You get back what you put out. Be well. 🙂

    Liked by 4 people

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