The priceonomics.com article ‘The Rise and Fall of Circus Freakshows’ begins with the following –
In 19th century America, gawking at people who were born with deformities was not only socially acceptable — it was considered family entertainment.
P.T. Barnum made millions by capitalizing on this. His “freakshows” brought together an amalgam of people considered to be curiosities — bearded ladies, tattooed men, the severely disfigured, and the abnormally short and tall — many of whom were unwillingly forced into the industry as young children.
In my post ‘I remain grateful (Reader Discretion Is Advised)‘, I wrote the following –
In 5 days, this coming Monday, I will no longer have control of my urination.
Let me be honest, one more time, I have always been honest here on my blog and at times direct.
In 5 days, this coming Monday, I will have a stoma or also referred to as a urostomy, an ileal conduit or urinary diversion.
I will have a pouch or bag on the outside of my body to collect my urine. I will no longer have control of my urination.
In today’s post, I write the following –
In yesterday’s video post, I mentioned the physical strength is slowly becoming better, but at times my mind is weak when dealing with the changes made to my body. As with the physical strength, I know the mental strength will increase as well.
A comment on yesterday’s post from my friend and fellow blogger Osyth included the following words –
….your psyche is bound to ricochet back and forth but you are endeavouring and doing your best and that is all you can ask of yourself.
This is a great description of what my mind is going through during the past several weeks and most likely weeks to come.
I am home recovering from my surgery and at times my typing continues to be a little slow and at times the computer is limited because I need to rest. During rest sometimes I will voice record my thoughts.
About a week ago, I voice recorded the following –
It is in the afternoon and I decided to take a nap and I lay here by myself because Gary is at the gym. I feel the urostomy bag touch my waist area and I start to cry. I cry because I do not feel – I no longer feel whole, I feel defective. I feel like a freak. I feel unattractive and this is just something I have to become accustomed to. But these are my feelings right now. I know there are many people in the world that have bags on the side of their bodies to collect urine and other body waste and maybe other things I don’t even know about. But this is me, this is new to me and though my recovery from my surgery is going well, my physical body and the emotional part of it is going well also – I still have my moments. I still have my moments where I just feel different, I don’t feel myself.
I feel like a freak.