At times I will write a post and not finish it and leave it alone until a later date. This post I wrote almost a year ago, but because of changes in my life it seemed no longer relevant. Lives can change dramatically in a short period of time and along with the changes so too can our thinking, our believes and attitudes.
A year ago, I had a minor surgery to remove a tumor from my bladder. At that time, it seemed harmless and nothing significant would come from it. I was wrong and this past year’s events I never imagined would take place.
The following words I wrote almost a year ago, when my life was healthier and I was looking forward to a future filled with adventure and fun –
Many times I have asked myself ‘What is my purpose in life?’
If you have been reading about me for quite a while, you know about my early struggles in life with major depression to the point of attempted suicide. It took over a decade to overcome this depression that wanted to kill me. My purpose at that time was to overcome it and that I did.
I continue with struggles today, but certainly not to the extent when I was a much younger man – but I am far from perfect and not the man I want to be – I still struggle – I am a work in progress.
Again today I ask the question ‘What is my purpose in life?’
A little more than a year ago, Gary and I were in Mexico exploring a possible location to live. While there an event took place that upon our return home, I documented.
These are the words I documented –
How can I be responsible for supporting and helping someone when I have my own struggles? Several weeks ago in Mexico, Gary and I were with expats. I watched Gary as he told a story – and I see his mannerisms, his facial expressions and the words he used to tell the story – I saw his mom. It reminded me that maybe he will be like his mom, telling the same old stories, having the same struggles every day. He may exhibit the same emotions his mom goes through – anger, frustration, nice, rude, impatient, not understanding. It has been difficult for me spending time with his mom due to my lack of patience. I have learned some patience as a result of being around her and that is a good thing. I have more to learn, I want to be there for Gary, I want to be caring, compassionate and understanding. These are areas I fall short in, but feel I can I gain more of these traits. Maybe this is my purpose in life to learn these traits: understanding, listening and being there for Gary. I believe my life is about struggling and learning and being the best person I can be.
Gary’s mom has dementia and she struggles daily and sometimes I see her personality in Gary.
Back to today, both Gary and my life has changed a great deal this past year. I no longer think about what my purpose is in life. I do believe part of Gary’s purpose may be to help me during my difficult time. And who knows, maybe someday when I am better it will be my turn to help Gary during his difficult time.